I don't know what to do.

[Fiction]

SO it was my bright idea to look through all my old posts here. It started off me thinking about how far i've come... and then it turned to how much weight i've gained.

I thought i'd be back up to 108lb. I could cope with that... if I just kept it out my mind. The posts just kept reminding me how much bigger I was now, so I went to look in the mirror. I burst out crying. I hate myself, I really do.

I went to weigh myself. 111lb. Bigger than i've ever been. Everyone always told me that if I lost weight that way i'd gain it back and more. I didn't beleive it. But it's happened now. I now have "fat" carved into my arm and thighs at least 10 times.

I don't know what to do. I want to be thinner again. I hate being fat, but I don't want to relapse. I hate my eating disorder so much. I hate it.

[1_21Guns]

Y'know what Kathy, you're beautiful. Whether your 108lb, or 111lb, or any weight for that matter.
Those 3lb are nothing, your weight changes by approx that amount each day in general, the reality of it is, the psychological thing is that for example 109 sounds a lot less that 110, when in reality it isn't.
You're beautiful inside and out, fat? That's a stupid word and I hate it, and it's certainly not one which describes you.
Three months Kathy, it's three steps forward and one step back, that's all. You don't have to relapse, you can get back up again :)

[Dimitri]

I can understand a little of what you are going through and I owuld have to be honest that I do not care for girls who are the size of a stick, I am talking to a young girl at my school and she is going through something that might be similar to your situation. I am going to tell YOU what my mom (a rather large woman herself) told my friend, I am sorry if these quote affend you in anyway because I did not mean for them too:

If God ment for me to be a size two then I wouldnt be the beatuiful +2 that I am, other than that He must have one heck of a warped sense of humor that I have yet to understand.

Me: Hey Mom, how are you doing?
Mom: Fat and sassy, large and incharge and loveing every single minute of it!

It's not how big you are, it's how you throw your weight around

I hope that I was able to help............... if you need anythign please do not hesitate to e-mail.

[Triceratops]

I know it's extremely hard for someone with an ED to believe this, but I bet you probably look a million times better now than you did when you were at your very lowest weight. I also bet everyone else thinks that too. Truth is, nobody likes protruding bones, and it's something that even I've had a hard time to accept.

Your weight isn't even close to being fat. In fact, you could easily gain about 10-15 lbs and still not be fat in the slightest. Your weight is still low, but a healthy low.

[Fiction]

Thanks all of you.

I'm just confused at the moment I guess. I guess time will tell if I relapse completely or not.

[Magenta]

Levi, I love those quotes. They made me smile.

Kathy, you're gorgeous. I recently experienced the same thing... I had been down to 115 then suddenly it turned to 129. I spent days and days trying not to hit 130. Even though I starved and tried to have the willpower to get rid of it, I still hit it. And what I've found? More people compliment me now than when I was really skinny (for my body type anyway).

I know it's a constant struggle even now that I've started eating regularly again and a lot but I think we both know that it's worth it for anyone to do it. Looking in the mirror and crying? Everyone does it. And sometimes I like to think of it as a sign of getting better in these instances. You just need to push past it. It won't be this bad forever. :)

Rambling but yeah.

[Fiction]

Thanks Jo, I guess i've just given up on "getting better". I can't handle it.

[Magenta]

Well, then don't "get better". Sometimes I feel like getting better is what other people want for me. I want to live. I want to live free of eating disorders, cutting, mental illness, etc. There are days I certainly can't handle it either but somehow, in my mind, living to the best of my ability is easier than getting better. :) *hugs lots*

[Fiction]

I guess I see what you mean :) I think I may try and get help at some point next week, i'm not sure.

[Magenta]

Well, I think you know that getting help is likely the best idea but whatever you choose, it's okay because just from even considering getting help shows you're still in a pretty good head space about it all. Good luck. :) You know you can PM me whenever.