It's so fucking hard!

[FullyAlive]

Ok I don't want to be mean or rude or whatever but what I don't is replies of keep going, or just try your best etc. they are nice but I need some actual advice.

I can't stop, I'm addicted and I know I am, but it just gets so much worse as time goes on. About 90% of my life is Self Harn, Depression, Suicide and Eating Disorders. I don't mean it to be but my mind just automatically connects everything with these things. I hate this I look at my friends and I envy them so much they can cut up veg or something and not have the urge to cut themselves, they can take paracetamol for a headache and not fight with themselves to not take the entire packet.

What do I do now? Distractions barely work I'm never without my blades so going somewhere doesn't help, elastic bands lessen the urge for about an hour then the urge comes back but so much stronger I HAVE to anyway so it was pointless avoiding it in the first place.

So what dol I do? What do all of you do? Distractions don't work but I want to stop, I want to be normal. I want to wear short sleeves, I want to not flinch at mentions of self harm in books or on tv, i want to be able to hold sharp things without funding myself subconciously running them over my arm.

But the only problem is it's too difficult. Too fucking hard.

[anonymous53]

At this point it seems to be getting really bad for you. Have you talked to any adults about it? Have a therapist?

Have you considering admitting yourself to the hospital for a short while till you can get stable?

Do you have people you can talk to about what's happening with you, like in real life?

[FullyAlive]

Yes I'm meant to be receiving counseling in a few weeks. But I need a more immediate solution I can't just wait it out I've tried.

No I've not even thought about it, I'm nowhere near bad enough to warrant hospital addmitance.

I did have people in real life, but I'm no longer at school so don't really have access to them.

[anonymous53]

Well, whenever you feel like you have to cut, try taking a freezing cold shower. I know I'm not of much help >,<

Also I'm gonna say, you want to get better. So you CAN do it :)

[Fiction]

try going out and this time leaving your blade at home. Go out like you did today, somewhere private where you are pretty much alone and just run. I do this and it seems to help a bit. But almost use running like you do self harm. Like when you self harm you kind of feel it and think "I know this is going to make me feel better". You're mind reacts to it in a certain way right? Try and get yourself to react to the pain of running in the same way. I don't know if that made any sense, sorry.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Rob, although I've never found showering helps :/

And Thanks Kathy it did make sense :P. I could run i mean i get what you mean but sometimes it isn't always pratical. And I can't leave my blade at home like physically can't. I go to pieces i've always got something with me i'm never without means to cut because i can't cope like that.

I just don't really know what to do, i feel like i'm fucked either way. I can't stop no matter how much i want to. But i can't not stop. It's just so difficult. So energy consuming.

[georgiamay]

Honestly? I think if you feel like you're addicted or dependant on self harm, stopping all together is a very bad idea. I did, and I managed to go a long time without it, but when I slipped back, the cuts were worse, and I got worse. I realised how much I missed it, and I couldn't stop. So stopping gradually would probably be better.

I sometimes find that sit ups can help. Not always, but if I feel an urge coming on, I can stop it before it becomes unbarable if I do 50 or 100 sit ups, because:
1) It hurts slightly.
2) Exercise releases endorphines.
3) Once I've finished, I feel a little bit proud that I actually managed to get to my goal without stopping.

It's the only suggestion I can think of right now that you probably haven't heard a million times before. :P

[FullyAlive]

I tried the stopping slowly thing but it didn't work, stopping straight away is my only other option. I hope that I can stop, then deal with my issues at counseling and not relapse but stopping is a lot lot harder than it should be.

I'm going to try the sit up thing you're right i haven't heard that one before, although again it's not always practical.

But thanks for your advice Georgia even if I half wished you'd suggested a stress ball :P

[georgiamay]

Maybe once you've started the councelling stopping gradually won't be so difficult? I've managed to cut my self harm down by a lot since I was referred to the hospital.


But thanks for your advice Georgia even if I half wished you'd suggested a stress ball :P

I lol'd. :P

[moon_lit_angel]

Hun, im sorry you've gotten so bad :(

i agree with everything every one has said so far..

do you like art or photography, music etc...? Maybe when you feel an urge coming on, try something you love and that might help.
Also maybe try writing your feelings and why you want to cut down on paper, and when you go to the counsellor bring this with you to show him/her whats going on in your mind when you get urges etc..
My counsellor got me to do this, i did it and it actually helps sometimes...


i hope ive helped hun...

dont forget you can always write to me :)

x

:hug:

x

[FullyAlive]

Thanks, i used to write but that doesn't help anymore nothing does.

-Rant

I saw my doctor today, i had a panic attack in her office. She told me not all of my cuts willll fade, she said i have to confront this if i ever want to stop, that i'm holding something back she just doesn't know what and she isn't sure i do either. I can't confront it she doesn't understand, i can't do that to myself. I won't let it happen.

But i'm on a downward slope, its not getting better everything is getting worse, the doctor said so too she's making me go back sooner this time i think she's worried if i changed so much in a month i bet she's wondering what i'll be like next time.

I no longer know what to do, not at all. I ran out of the doctors crying, no one would pick up their phone so i phoned my uncle i left a message that he'll never get. Then i sat on the motorway bridge wishing i had the courage to jump. Not that i deserve it I no longer deserve the easy way out, not one little bit.

I'm so lost. And i just wish it'd all end. How and when did i make my life such a fucking mess?

/Rant

[anonymous53]

Thanks, i used to write but that doesn't help anymore nothing does.

-Rant

I saw my doctor today, i had a panic attack in her office. She told me not all of my cuts willll fade, she said i have to confront this if i ever want to stop, that i'm holding something back she just doesn't know what and she isn't sure i do either. I can't confront it she doesn't understand, i can't do that to myself. I won't let it happen.

But i'm on a downward slope, its not getting better everything is getting worse, the doctor said so too she's making me go back sooner this time i think she's worried if i changed so much in a month i bet she's wondering what i'll be like next time.

I no longer know what to do, not at all. I ran out of the doctors crying, no one would pick up their phone so i phoned my uncle i left a message that he'll never get. Then i sat on the motorway bridge wishing i had the courage to jump. Not that i deserve it I no longer deserve the easy way out, not one little bit.

I'm so lost. And i just wish it'd all end. How and when did i make my life such a fucking mess?

/Rant

Louise, you can get better. I know that sounds stupid. :hug:

Don't pick the easy way out. It's really not worth it.

Is there anywhere you can go to stay? like a friend's house, where you can't hurt yourself without them noticing?

I'm glad you didn't jump. Truely, I am. Things will get better.

[IlM'aime_xx]

i have no advice, as usual haha, but i am glad yu didn't jump and i i know you/everyone else might not agree but i think it must have taken yu alot more courage to not do it

[FullyAlive]

Thabks Rob but no there is no where I can go we are on study leave so everyone is being anti social anyway. I have no one.

Thanks Rebekah, you're right I disagree but thanks all the same. :hug:

[ForgetMeNot]

Try ice where you S/H thats what my Thera told me to do if I got the urge.

[FullyAlive]

Thanks for the suggestion Gabrielle but ice doesn't work for me, when i have ice i get to tempted to burn with it so it's never worked as a distraction. :/