Indecision
May 10th, 2011, 10:55 AM
I hate telling this story. It's one of the worst things.
My Mother's found out about my cuts. I can't talk to her, I can't. Ever since she's abused me in the past, I can hardly look her in the eye anymore, let alone talk to her about self harm. I can't do it. I hate being around her, she'll bring it up and whenever she does I want to run away. Away from all the crap.
I almost did the other day, I was riding my pony out. Every step we took away from where she was, I wanted to go further, faster. We got to a gate, where we were supposed to turn around. I was thinking, 'I could run away now. My friend lives nearby, she'ld hide me, she has stables. Just for a few days, I could get away from it all.' But I never had the guts. All brains and no guts.
Ed wants me to tell someone, tell an adult, my PE teacher. I think she knows already, but i'm not sure. He wants me to tell my Dad, truth is, i've never been close to my Dad. I never want to talk to him about it. Ever. I've promised so many people today that i'll stop, and this time i'm more certain than ever. Although, if Ed keeps cutting, I don't know what i'll do.
But that's it now. The scars of my cuts which I remember most, are fading. The memory's are fading too, the people have moved on, and so have I. Once these cuts on my hand have healed *bam* it's all over. I know, it's not that easy. But I hate it, I hate hate hate it. It takes over so many people's lives. So many people i've loved, four of my closest friends do it, and so do ten others I know about. This is it, i've finished. But no one believes me, they all think i'm going to stop for months, and go back again.
I don't think I will ever, now. I want things to be back to normal, like all this cutting never happened, it's all I want. Like the pain was never here, like when I never thought about self harm when someone said 'knife' or 'blade'. I don't want it to be associated with me. It's harder when you're going through it. I've never regretting it this much, ever, ever before.
I want to care for those who are going through it, tell them it's okay, i've been through it and i want to help them. It's ruined my teenage life. I want to live happily onwards now, no pain, no more hurt. Just looking on the bright side. Like life used to be.
(Sorry, essay of a pointless thread.)
My Mother's found out about my cuts. I can't talk to her, I can't. Ever since she's abused me in the past, I can hardly look her in the eye anymore, let alone talk to her about self harm. I can't do it. I hate being around her, she'll bring it up and whenever she does I want to run away. Away from all the crap.
I almost did the other day, I was riding my pony out. Every step we took away from where she was, I wanted to go further, faster. We got to a gate, where we were supposed to turn around. I was thinking, 'I could run away now. My friend lives nearby, she'ld hide me, she has stables. Just for a few days, I could get away from it all.' But I never had the guts. All brains and no guts.
Ed wants me to tell someone, tell an adult, my PE teacher. I think she knows already, but i'm not sure. He wants me to tell my Dad, truth is, i've never been close to my Dad. I never want to talk to him about it. Ever. I've promised so many people today that i'll stop, and this time i'm more certain than ever. Although, if Ed keeps cutting, I don't know what i'll do.
But that's it now. The scars of my cuts which I remember most, are fading. The memory's are fading too, the people have moved on, and so have I. Once these cuts on my hand have healed *bam* it's all over. I know, it's not that easy. But I hate it, I hate hate hate it. It takes over so many people's lives. So many people i've loved, four of my closest friends do it, and so do ten others I know about. This is it, i've finished. But no one believes me, they all think i'm going to stop for months, and go back again.
I don't think I will ever, now. I want things to be back to normal, like all this cutting never happened, it's all I want. Like the pain was never here, like when I never thought about self harm when someone said 'knife' or 'blade'. I don't want it to be associated with me. It's harder when you're going through it. I've never regretting it this much, ever, ever before.
I want to care for those who are going through it, tell them it's okay, i've been through it and i want to help them. It's ruined my teenage life. I want to live happily onwards now, no pain, no more hurt. Just looking on the bright side. Like life used to be.
(Sorry, essay of a pointless thread.)