I want to lose control.

[georgiamay]

And I mean, completely lose it.

Whenever I self harm, I never just completely let myself go, I always just let myself go a little, just enough for me to stay sane and level headed and not take an overdose.

I always have massive urges to lose all control over myself, and that would involve completely mutilating my arm, which I'd rather not do. But, there's another part of me that's quite tempted to completely disfigure my arm. The logical side of me is telling me not to, the irrational side is saying, "Fuck it."

I've never realised that control played a part in my self harm, but now I realise that it really does. It might not seem like it at the time, but when I go to cut, it's always at the point where I feel like I'll snap if I don't, and snapping means I've lost control. Now I know that control is a factor with it, but I don't know why. Why do I have such an issue with control? Why can't I ever let myself go? I don't think I ever have. I don't mean in the unhealthy ways now, I mean in general. I've never completely let go, I've always held back slightly, because I need that control over myself.

But the urges are getting strong. I'm terrified of losing control, it scares the shit out of me. But it's all I can think about doing; going crazy and fucking up my arm.

I'm also terrified of stopping to self harm completely. I know I should, I don't want to cut for much longer, but the idea of not having it to fall back on? It freaks me out.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this thread... But can anyone tell me why I want to lose control this much? I can't work it out.

[anonymous53]

It might be because you've never gone all out. (Not in the form of cutting)
Maybe try some sports if you like them. Run your hardest, swim your hardest etc.
If you ever need someone to talk to Georgia, I'm always here :hug:
Try not to let yourself go all the way. I've done it before...it's not worth it.

[Syvelocin]

The one thing I agree with that the worst counsellor I have ever met said to me, when I was in the hospital with self-harm, was an example he gave. He said hypothetically, that I wouldn't let him cut me, if he were to be there with a knife stabbing at me, because I would have no control over the wound I'd be getting. Unless you're really desperate or out of control, I think that would be true about every person who self-harms. A surprising number of psychological issues involve control. Whether it's OCD, eating disorders, suicide, or self-harm. It's all about control, at least partially. I find that stepping on a needle (I do that all the time, since I tend to lose them) is so much more painful than the worst of my self-harm cuts. Because the majority of my cuts I chose how long I'd make them, how deep I'd make them, and how many I'd make. And if it hurt too much, I would stop. But continue if it didn't. That's a lot of power and control right there. Being able to manipulate the nerves in your body to an extent. That's why it's such a thrill and shock when you go deeper than you wanted, because it's out of your control at that point. Especially when it doesn't stop bleeding. Self-harm is definitely about control, more or less depending on the person though.

I can't tell you why you want to lose control, but I can tell you that I experience the same thing. Not with completely mutilating my arm, but I always want to go deeper, I want to make them deep enough that they need medical attention. I feel like that more with other things, like my mental health. I want to just go crazy sometimes, freak out, yell and scream at a doctor, attempt suicide and get myself in a long-term hospital permanently. I think about that stuff constantly. My psychologist calls it "flirting." I flirt with psychosis, I flirt with the dark side of life. I flirt with insanity. She says I'll never be insane, I'm too intelligent for that. It just makes me want it more. I do think it's part rebellion as well.