I Feel Dead

[HandheldOutlaw]

Title says it I guess. I'm breathing.
I know I'm still alive. I feel empty, abnormal, unstable.
I'm not strong enough anymore, and I'm tired of always being the strong one.
I'm always there for everyone when they're crumbling, where are they when I need someone?
I need to break sometimes too, and that's what I'm coming to right now.

My moods have been basically stable for a few months now. I had a manic episode that lasted a few days last week. It increased my OCD habits exponentially, I couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still to eat, and it's left me tired and lower than I've ever been, now that I'm out of it.

I can't focus. I feel like an empty shell, as if everything that's ever characterized me is being ripped away. I'm scared.
I'm scared to live, scared to die. I feel like I've been caught in between life and death. Physically, here I am. But life is more than what is tangible. I'm not alive.

I don't know what the point of this was. Just to know someone is there, I guess.
Thanks for reading.
x
Lauren

[restricted NA]

Its going to be alright, I felt the same way for a while. Where you don't want to live but your to scared to end it. You are alive, you need some time to take care of yourself. heck if people don't offer help. Then ask for it, tell them you have been there for them and that they should be here for you now. :) ok, we can talk anytime.

I heard you

[joe2]

aww i feel for you so much, i know what its like to feel useless and worthless and it is crap, but everything will get better, they always do, i should know, ive done things i hate myself for. but life is worth everything and so are you, all you need is to talk, and you dont need to thank us for reading. it is our pleasure to help those who we can and who need it, just smile and and brain hug yourself, and if you need help just ask.

if you want to talk im happy to help if possible :) x

[Travis_123]

This certainly isn't my habit, but if you need someone to talk to. I'm a student psychology, don't hesitate to contact me if you need help! I mean it.

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thanks everyone.
Sorry for not responding sooner, didn't have such a great week.
I'm starting therapy next week, and I'm so nervous.
I don't know what to think about it. I mean, I should be happy. Maybe it will be the end (not the end, really, but maybe it will help me cope?) of feeling like this.
I feel insane. My aunt is telling me that I'm not crazy, that I just need a little help.
I can't believe that.
Not when my cousin is afraid of me. Not when he's so afraid he won't sit across from me at the table. Not when he isn't afraid of anyone. Not when he used to treat me as a little sister.

I don't know why I act out this way. I'm in the best situation I've ever been in my whole life. Much better than being with my grandparents, and way better than with my parents. My aunt and uncles, they treat me well.
I feel like I'm losing myself. The memories are increasing, the flashbacks, the nightmares, they're coming to me stronger.
I'm so confused. I shouldn't feel this way. The nightmares should be gone, the flashbacks, the memories, I shouldn't have them. They're worse here. Everything is more okay than it's EVER been, and it's worse. I thought I'd be free.

Sorry that my rant was even longer than the original post
Thank you all for reading and responding, it means a lot.
x

[CanIHelp]

Hey Lauren

I don't know how I came across this thread, but I felt so compelled to post.
I'm a recently graduated medical doctor, and want to reassure you that you're not alone. Many many people your age, and old go through difficult times like these, including many of my collegues!

You should be proud of yourself for talking about this with your family, here and being courageous enough to get some help. Cognitive behaviour therapy is an excellent resource and I really believe we can all benefit from it to some degree.

It sounds like you've had a difficult past as well, and be assured that if your therapy doesn't work alone, that there are also some different medications that often work very well and have few side effects.

I don't want to give you medical advice here, but continue to keep talking to your doctor, your family and friends about this.

Be conscious about your negative thoughts, and negative reactions to situations and people...recognize them as negative and unhealthy and replace them with a true fact about yourself that is good...I'm sure there are many. Lastly, try looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself and saying something affirming...like "Lauren, I love you and you're perfect the way you are" or "I'm going to have a good day" or "I'm a nice person and a good friend".

Good luck Lauren, you're already moving in the right direction.

Dave

[HandheldOutlaw]

Dave-Thanks a bunch for replying.
I've been to therapy before, it and it was an overall bad experience. I'm seeing a new guy, but I'm still incredibly nervous because I'm scared that it's always going to be the same.
The first person I saw, she was always trying to get me to talk more than I was able to, she would push too hard and make it so that I felt suffocated. I would leave more depressed than when I walked in. I'm hoping it helps, and I'm trying to be optimistic.

Thank you again for the reply, and I'll do my best to keep positive thoughts.

[RoseyCadaver]

Hey it's ok i know how you feel.I feel like there isn't anything worth living for ,yet I know there is.I'm glad you're getting therapy,I wish I had the nerve to tell people I'm not good either :/.Just remember you're here.Someone or something does love you.And there be there meaning or not to this life,you should live it up!Again I wish I could just do the same :/.

[HandheldOutlaw]

Jakup-Thanks. Yeah, that's pretty much how I've been feeling. I'm glad I'm not alone, in a way. Sometimes, I wish I was because it's painful to feel like this, and no one deserves it. But most of the time, I'm glad to meet someone who feels the same because I have someone to relate to.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me, I'm always here and ready to listen.

[CanIHelp]

Hey Lauren.

Heck ya for the optimism, you should be proud of yourself for going even though you've had a bad experience before. That speaks to an obvious foundation of love of yourself...which is KEY.

Be sure to tell this therapist if you feel he or she is pushing too hard. They should know that they will need to build trust with you before you're ready to disclose things nearest to your heart.

You're already inspiring people like Jakup, who I hope will realize that getting help and talking to those that love him won't be nearly as hard as he thinks. It's not admitting defeat, it's fighting against it. You'd probably laugh if you knew just how many kids in your school are or have gone through similar things...you may even bump into a few in the therapist's waiting room. This is COMMON, and treatable, and you're already on the right path.

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thanks Dave.
Failing at being optimistic today though.
It's like, one day I feel okay, actually worth something, then the next I feel silly because I felt worth something.
If that makes any sense at all