Suicide

[schrei jess]

Im ready to die. I think I might do it tonight, Im tired of living like this. The same pointless routine day after day if not worth staying alive for. And yes, Im thinking about what Im leaving behind, and what I havent done, but none of it matters. Sure I love my mom, dad, chris, patrick, all of them...and I dont want to hurt them, but I cant do this anymore. Yeah, Im being selfish by doing this, but that is who I am. I am selfish, and I am stupid and impulsive. And no, things WONT change, they havent for three long years, and they wont ever. There is no cure for me, and I dont want to sit around dying inside while I wait for one that wont ever come.

This site has been great, I love the people here, but it did not help me. Maybe it helped me stay sane by having a place to talk and make friends. I like helping people, trying to, hoping that their life is better than mine, and believing that by helping Id be making it better for them, I hope I did.

Im not saying Im for sure doing it, but Im so damn close to it, and Im considering it heavily right now.

If there's anything you wanted to say to me, or want to say to me - do it now.

[Maverick]

You have a whole life ahead of you, Jess. Why give up now? What exactly do you have to lose? Life is only one shot. Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Don't give up now. Your life has barely begun. Think of your future and what you can make it be. The pain you feel can be overcome. Three years is long but it's not long enough for you to just throw your whole life away. Wait until it gets better and see what happens. You have nothing to lose. Suicide you do, but waiting around longer you have nothing to lose.

Don't kill yourself, Jess. I'd honestly be hurt if it happened. I know a lot of members on this site would be too.

[thesphinx]

Please dont commit suiced lately i have been think about it to but, ITS NOT WORTH IT! who knows where you will go????
Your family friends and me love you alot so please dont do it i know its tough right now im in the same boat as you, please dont give up you can talk to me when ever just dont give up i know its hard you will make it through, PLEASE!!!!!!! just think good and hard of what a living hell your family will have to go through..

[schrei jess]

Why give up now? Because it's all so hopeless. I have no dreams or ambitions, nothing makes me happy anymore. My life basically exists online, nothing in the real world gives me pleasure. I have no hope for the future, I dont expect things to get better.

And I dont want to hurt anyone, that isnt my intention. Im young I know, I havent lived long at all, but my future isnt bright...Im not looking forward to it.

I want this to be over.

[thesphinx]

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please
dont do it it will make me alot more depressed then i already am.. :(

[Maverick]

Why give up now? Because it's all so hopeless. I have no dreams or ambitions, nothing makes me happy anymore. My life basically exists online, nothing in the real world gives me pleasure. I have no hope for the future, I dont expect things to get better.

And I dont want to hurt anyone, that isnt my intention. Im young I know, I havent lived long at all, but my future isnt bright...Im not looking forward to it.

I want this to be over.
Don't go the easy way out, Jess. Wade it out. If you are not felling well then you need to talk to your doctor and try and fix the problem. but you never give up because you don't know how your life can change in the future. You have no idea what can happen. It can be good. It can be great! You take one step at a time. You don't know if you're future isn't bright until you've lived it. Give it a chance and see for yourself. Try. You have nothing to lose. One day at a time. In 10 years who knows what can happen. You only know until you've lived and reached it. Talk to somebody. Anybody. At least wait 24 hours and Call 1-800-SUICIDE.

At least talk it out. You have nothing to lose but so much to gain. Please don't commit suicide Jess.

[schrei jess]

I guess it wont be happening tonight, there arent enough pills for me to take. I wanted to do tylenol, but not enough. There are like 20 sleeping pills, but it wont do anything, just make me throw up. I cant believe that I didnt even check before making this. I look so stupid now. Im going to try and get help in the morning.

[Maverick]

That's good! You are doing the right thing by getting help in the morning. You do not look stupid. Don't ever think that. You are alive right now and that's what matters.

[thesphinx]

good good good!!!thats the right thing!If you are havbing a bad moment i will literily call you if you want me to and you can talk through it and i am 100% serious on that just pm me!

[Activate]

Hun, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you died. If you die, i'm coming too..:(

[mRojas2000]

C'mon Jess!! No matter how much you love that Bill dude you know I love you too!!
But really, you have a whole life in front of you. Me?? my life is also on the net... I technically have no friends in real life!! Oh dear, how much I would love to have anyone I could hang out with whenever we wanted. You are only 15, and you have a whole life still to come... maybe today its not very pretty... I can relate because lastly I haven't liked school here which is pretty much the only think I am here for, finish up school; I always thought in America about how cool it would be coming here and having tons of friends!! But it never really happened. I just live online. I have no life... yet.
You said you loved helping people... right!? Well why don't you finish up highschool and go to a psychology university!? If you really enjoy helping people in life, and helping them think about future you would do great!! You enjoy it which is the important part, you have helped tons of people here already, PLUS, you have experienced most of what really could *ruin* a life... that could make you one of the most precious psychologists ever, because you really understand people, Jess....

Please make me a favor and don't ever suicide... you would really, REALLY hurt me!!

[Activate]

C'mon Jess!! No matter how much you love that Bill dude you know I love you too!!
But really, you have a whole life in front of you. Me?? my life is also on the net... I technically have no friends in real life!! Oh dear, how much I would love to have anyone I could hang out with whenever we wanted. You are only 15, and you have a whole life still to come... maybe today its not very pretty... I can relate because lastly I haven't liked school here which is pretty much the only think I am here for, finish up school; I always thought in America about how cool it would be coming here and having tons of friends!! But it never really happened. I just live online. I have no life... yet.
You said you loved helping people... right!? Well why don't you finish up highschool and go to a psychology university!? If you really enjoy helping people in life, and helping them think about future you would do great!! You enjoy it which is the important part, you have helped tons of people here already, PLUS, you have experienced most of what really could *ruin* a life... that could make you one of the most precious psychologists ever, because you really understand people, Jess....

Please make me a favor and don't ever suicide... you would really, REALLY hurt me!!

He is exactly right..

[Sapphire]

Miguel is right.

I won't regurgitate anything that has already been said. But maybe deciding to become a psychologist and help others in similar situations as you are now in could give you something to work towards. Something to hold on to. You are 15, so it won't be long untill you can really start to focus on a career or working towards one. Things may still be difficult, but I believe that having something to give you focus really can help. If it is something you are good at or find interesting then that will make it a bit easier.

[mRojas2000]

On another note, I would also like to add this... why do you say this site hasn't helped you!? a couple of weeks ago you did a thread saying that you haven't cut in three months!! Here's my point: when YOU, Jessica [Last Name], want to do something, you just get into it... in this case you are doing exactly this... but totally wrong!! Jess, think about this: why don't you stop thinking about all this cutting and depression for a couple of weeks, and focus on something... just name it, a sport, counseling, school, whatever you want... sooner or later, you will be so focused about that, that you will completely forget about everything else!! If you are going to follow my idea of being a psychologist why not starting now by focusing on school!? I can bet that everyone will notice that you have been getting better grades than ever and they will be asking you how you do it and stuff... by here you are already helping people!! PLUS, you are having contact with other people, which is my whole point of this... you will have new friends! Remember tho, that this will take time, this won't be overnight. Just try it Jess, I don't want you to die!! I know you can do so many stuff you want! You have always changed VT's energy with all your charisma, and you always help people out... you would really hurt me if you suicided, and I'm 100% sure I wouldn't be the only one.

Just please Jess, don't do it :(

[schrei jess]

Well, here it is, the next day. Im still here, yay - I guess. I told my mom this morning what I had almost done, she's calling my therapist I think. I dont know how that will help, I hate talking to him, I hate talking about this stuff to anyone.

And school is what makes me feel the worst, it's when I feel most isolated, I hate it there. And I dont want to become a psychologist, I dont want to turn into one of them, I just dont, they arent helpful. Ive yet to meet one who could help me. And I cant make my main focus school, I can barely make it through each day, the only class I ever feel like I can function in is Latin, and I have to wait all day for that class. School kills me, it exhausts me in everyway. I dont care about my grades, I dont care about any of it.

I still wish there had been enough pills, just my luck I guess...

[theonetheycallbob]

Killing yourself is one of the most selfish things you can do. Think about all the people you will be leaving behind who will have to deal with the loss of you. Be smart. Life sucks, i know, but it will get better eventually

[schrei jess]

And that is the one thing I hate hearing from people the most, "Life will get better." You dont know that, no one does. Dont say that to me when it's possible that for the rest of my life, things stay the same and could continue to get worse and worse.

And do you really know how much my life sucks? Because if you, or anyone else really knew the way I feel everyday, the feeling of misery I have just by breathing, maybe you'd give up too.

I have to see my therapist now, Ill be back later.

[Bobby]

I'm not going to make a long lecture but I'm going to just say one thing.

Please don't do it.

[~Ðarç~]

life's a hundred years, hell is a lot more. killing yourself is murder. take your hell when you're alive, then live in happiness afterwards. opposed to end unhappiness, leading into even more unhappiness.
and i'm not gonna say life gets better, because i know just as well as you do, sometimes, it doesnt.
and i know, i dont know how many times i read these topics about one's life sucking and i understand that, my life sucks too, i've concidered suicide too, but i keep telling myself hell is a lot worse, and you can't get out of hell, thats the world you can't kill yourself to get away from. so i'll live 100 years being miserable, opposed to being miserable forever. whats life anyway, a temporary way of existing, as bad as it is, it ends, then after that you can be happy. but if you take the fast way out, you wont be happy, you'll be even more unhappy.

[Maverick]

I hope all goes well with your therapist. I'm happy that you're seeking help. You're at least trying. See, last night you wanted to do it, but look here you are now alive. You made through it. It's been 16 hours since you made the thread. You should be proud. Basically what I'm trying to say is that what you're experiencing is bearable. To go that long after feeling how you were last night means you are strong. If you really wanted to die you would have found a way. Somewhere in the back of your mind you wanted to stay alive. Listen to it.

[schrei jess]

Well it went okay, we didnt talk much about suicide or depression so I didnt feel tense like I normally do. He wanted to send me to the hospital to keep me from hurting myself because when he asked if I would do anything I said I dont know, because I honestly dont, but I guess I convinced him that I dont need to go to the hospital. So Im here again, Im going to make it through another night, Im going to try. I hope I dont have to go to school tomorrow, I asked my therapist to tell my mother that I shouldnt go, I dont know if he did. He said I was making threats though, I said I would hurt myself to stay out of school if I had to, and that is true - I would, Ill see how it goes tomorrow I guess.

He says he wants to understand me, he wants to read my boys love manga 0_o I found that a little weird, but as long as I dont have to talk about much, Ill let him look at it. It was weird though, he got me to admit a lot about things, like how I wish I wasnt a girl and yeah, a lot. Maybe it's going to start working. I can only hope.

[Sapphire]

Maybe taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day is best.

If he hasn't found a way in to your mind and how you think then he could get an insight just by reading your "boys love manga" (not sure what this is, but I'm assuming you wrote it) If you don't feel like you are up to much talking then maybe this would be a good thing.

It all sounds promising Jess. (I hope you don't mind me using your first name, I don't really like referring to people by username.) As I said take it life hour by hour if you have to.

[schrei jess]

Yeah I guess, Ill take it bit by bit.

And no I didnt write the manga, I bought it. I had it with me to read incase Id have to wait a little, and he was interested. Boys love, or shonen-ai, basically the fluffy, cuddling, just kissing version of yaoi, which is the hard-core, involves sex, aspect of boys love relationships. Sadly, I cant buy the yaoi mangas T_T Has 18+ thing on it. So I bought Loveless, and Gravitation, the shonen-ai mangas.

And as long as I dont have to do much talking, Im up for anything, Im just not ready to talk yet, but Im getting there...I think.

[Sapphire]

Oh, that sounds cool.

There's no real time pressure to talk in sessions. (or at least here there isn't, it should be the same in America but I dont know) If you don't want to talk then no one can make you, and in the interests of helping you your therapist should be employing this. (It sounds as if he is which is also good)

You are coming across as a lot more positive than you were when you posted the orginal post. Is this accurate? If so, then that's great!

[thesphinx]

Thats good just take it day by day, ive been battling my severe clinical depression for almost 8+ months now i know its not as much compared to you but believe me when i tell uyou i know what a living hell every single moment can be trust me i know!if you ever wanna talk in a bad moment you can pm me but just know that ive been in moments to where i wanted to just DIE and i can help you through them please dont hesitate if you wanna talk to someone who is in (relatively) the same situation..
im not gonna say life will get better, but know that it CAN get better.
<3

[Bobby]

It's good that he's taking interest in not only your problems, but you as a person. No another girl with problems.

[Bankai15]

You are a big animal activist right?
If you were to kill yourself. Think of all the animals you could have helped.
If you want to tri studying to be a vet and if you become one you can spend the rest of you life careing for sick and hurt animals.


Hang in there......

[JoshDude]

Just like what FreedomFighter14 said, you really like animals and hate to see them having their own rights being breached... well you could strive to become a vetenarian and save thousands of animals every year. I have also thought about suicide a while ago, and eventually when everything got better, i thought to myself that i was an absolute asshole for being so selfish. Please dont do it =(.

[mRojas2000]

If he wants yo know a lil more about yourself, why don't you make an internet blog, give it to us so there's someone who is gonna read it, write on it everyday you can, and give it to your therapist too... don't make it too much personal, but just talk about how you feel and stuff.

If its that hard for you to talk, why don't ya type :)