How have you coped?

[clr9823]

Well, since the age of 13 I've known that I was bi and... well I never even had to think about it, it is who I am and I accepted that without blinking.
Before I kinda thought that it didn't matter what my orientation is, it's just a small part of me and I'll integrate it in to my life.

But then I grew up. Through various events (such as my Muslim friend constantly and purposefully misunderstanding bisexuality and trying to change me) and news stories I've realised that the world is still not gay-friendly. I live in [a cool city] which is pretty metropolitan about it, and my school's fairly neutral with most kids not actually caring as long as you don't change. But thinking about it, choosing to go with my heart instead of my head could seriously affect my life. There will be places in the world I won't be able to visit, it will damage my chances of doing well in my dream of a high-flying political career, and it will probably subject me to an disproportional amount of abuse from pea-brained scumfucks over the years...

I am fine with the idea of me being with a guy, and I don't think in any way that is wrong. I also think my parents and family would be cool with it and my friends have been supportive, but does anybody understand the thought that I (being bi) should just wait till I fall for girls and ignore all the cute guys who catch my eye. Has anybody else been dealing with thoughts like these?

[Matt R]

You mean thinking about "toughing it out" and just pretending your attraction to other guys doesn't exist? Yeah, I've thought about that--and tried it. It's a bad idea. Accept yourself, love yourself, and just let yourself be who you are. Don't torture yourself by refusing to go for someone simply because you're scared of what others might think of you. If people don't like you because you're bi, just be confident that it's their problem, not yours.

[clr9823]

I do love myself for who I am, and I wasn't exactly meaning "pretending it doesn't exist", more like just not following up on any feelings for guys that I have. I know it is the problem of others but unfortunately that will still negatively effect my life :(. I mean it's not just sexuality in which one must chose between their heart and their head - for example, I absolutely love eating and hate exercise which led me to be quite overweight for a while but then I realised how much better the rest of my life would be if I stopped that lifestyle and changed and I don't regret it.

I mean, I do swing towards girls slightly more so I think I would be able to cope... I'm just asking this now because I'm torn between pursuing a guy or just completely dropping it.

[Matt R]

You said you don't want to pursue boys because you fear the negative effects it will have on your life, but...resisting your attraction to guys will--in my opinion--have worse negative effects. To me, resisting's pros don't outweigh the cons--letting yourself be with whoever you want is the better choice in the long run.

What I just worry about is the long term effects of not allowing yourself to pursue some people you're attracted to. It's one thing if you're attracted to somebody and they say they can't/won't go out with you, but it's a lot more agitating when you are the only person standing in the way of going for a person you like--when it's difficult to overcome the fear of what others will think of you.

Obviously, I don't know about you, but in my own past experiences, not going out with somebody you like just because you might be made fun of for it just isn't worth it--whether it's a guy or a girl. Usually, the people who make fun of you for stuff like that don't actually care about it much--and why sacrifice what could be such a close relationship with the person you're interested in, in order to preserve a "reputation" with people who aren't accepting of such a big part of who you are?

So in similar wording of your food analogy: I don't think your life would be better if you resisted your attraction to guys; maybe you won't regret it because it's something you've never had, but I think you will be a much happier person if you let yourself be with anybody you want. In your food analogy, you gave up food because you prioritized good health over the pleasure of eating--a perfectly rational decision. In this situation, however, you'd be giving up relationships with guys because you prioritized what unaccepting people might think of you over what could be a bunch of close, healthy relationships in the rest of your life--that doesn't seem worth it.

I say just go for the guy right now. If he turns you down, then hopefully he can keep a secret about your being bi. If he says yes and you guys start going out, then at least you'll have him to be with you if some of the people you know react poorly if you're outed (hey, maybe you won't even have to be outed if you both keep the relationship a secret).

[Syvelocin]

No, actually. Once I figured it out, I became set on being true to myself, because it's not fair to pretend you're straight. I guess it's different being either 50-50 bi or bi with a preference for the opposite sex, since you can still be relatively happy in a straight relationship, but I've never believed in shying away from who you are, regardless of other people's opinions.

But you don't have to make it public. It doesn't matter. Straight people don't come out. So why do you have to let everyone know? You can still be a politician. You just don't tell anyone. You won't get shit from people if you don't go spewing your sexuality everywhere. I'm not afraid to tell people, it just isn't as public as, say, the knowledge of my name. Sexuality, religion, and political views, all things that don't define you. How many times have you heard someone say, "Hey, I'm John, the homosexual" or something along those lines? No one does that. Everyone automatically thinks you're straight, unless you tell them, or give reason for them to think so, so why tell them if they're going to give you shit about it?

Like Matt was saying, deprivation is destructive, no matter what it is. Believe me, I'm in that exact situation. I'm married, and I have a friend, who is the most amazing girl in the world, and she likes me. Of course, we've settled it by now, but for a while I was so conflicted, because my head was saying to stay with him, but my heart was saying that you aren't being true to yourself if you stay with a guy. And in the long run, if you can't have something, you'll want it more. It's a recipe for disaster.

[clr9823]

Well, I do suppose you're both right, and I'm still young so maybe I should have fun then worry bout the consequences about the problems later.

Everyone automatically thinks you're straight, unless you tell them, or give reason for them to think so, so why tell them if they're going to give you shit about it?

Well, if I had a boyfriend, I'd want to be able to just behave around them in public as I would with a girlfriend. I guess that's what I'm worried about, because I think to me in some ways it's worse to have a relationship and have to hide it than simply ignore the attraction.

I don't know, I mean I am happy with myself just not sure if it's the best decision for my life... but thinking about it realistically I'm working really closely with the guy so I'm sure something will happen without me even thinking about it :wub: :P

[Matt R]

Well, I do suppose you're both right, and I'm still young so maybe I should have fun then worry bout the consequences about the problems later.



Well, if I had a boyfriend, I'd want to be able to just behave around them in public as I would with a girlfriend. I guess that's what I'm worried about, because I think to me in some ways it's worse to have a relationship and have to hide it than simply ignore the attraction.

I don't know, I mean I am happy with myself just not sure if it's the best decision for my life... but thinking about it realistically I'm working really closely with the guy so I'm sure something will happen without me even thinking about it :wub: :P

Awww :).

And anyways, I think later you might find yourself caring less about what other random people think of you (like the people walking by when you're with your boyfriend in public) and care more about being yourself. It's actually a pretty mature move if you are open about your sexuality in public--kind of the opposite of being young and not worrying about the consequences.

[Sterling26]

As far as your fear that being bi could harm your political career, keep in mind that as far as running for election goes it may be another 20 years before you run for a significant enough office that this would become an issue, and at the rate the world's changing today it might not be an issue by then. In fact, I think a bi candidate could be considered a happy medium for those people that are against having gays in office, and could help the world progress towards more openness and acceptance. Hey, you've got my vote. :)

[Rose]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am 16 and bi and i've come out to all my friends but i dont talk about girls with them. I avoiding tlaking about my gay half. I feel like it owuld be easier for everyone if i just dated guys. and thats what I did, i only dated guys but it became to difficult when I fell in love with a girl.

You shouldn't have to be in this same situation, just be yhou and they will adjust date who you want, boy or girl. Also if youre really worried about ur political carrer Sterling26 is right, times change.

[clr9823]

Thank y'all :) and yeah I suppose you're right, I mean in Britain the leader of our second biggest party isn't married so I guess barriers are being broken :p

And I'm not at all worried about what people in the street think, until they actually then try to start a fight about it... plus not being able to go to large parts of the world is a concern... but I suppose they're mostly shitholes anyway if they'll stone you for being gay or bi

[zackm]

Best advice I can give is to just quote GaGa, Born This Way is my song and it helped me come out to a guy that is now my BF. If society doesn't accept you it's becuase they're afraid of you. Plain and simple, just be who you are and it doesn't matter what others think.

[Syvelocin]

Well, if I had a boyfriend, I'd want to be able to just behave around them in public as I would with a girlfriend. I guess that's what I'm worried about, because I think to me in some ways it's worse to have a relationship and have to hide it than simply ignore the attraction.

I don't know about you, but I'd definitely take the secret relationship than ignore it. I wasn't very open about it until my last year of high school. Then I just let people know if it came up in conversation. I started caring less, you know, because after that they couldn't do a thing about it. I would be leaving, and they couldn't say things to me. I think there's something with being an adult and finally being able to escape those problems, as if they can't touch you any longer. You will still be ridiculed, but you can finally effectively walk away from the people who can't accept you. And with being open about the relationship, what I'm finding, the more comfortable you are and act in a same-sex relationship, the more comfortable everyone else is.

[Apollo.]

I agree with Rith I would rather have a secret relationship with a guy than no relationship whatsoever

[Portable Desert]

By not letting a single soul know :(

[iamlauren]

I'm gay. I fell in love with someone, but she doesn't like me back because she's straight. I told my two best friends also because I trust them not to tell anyone. It turns out one of them is bi. The other one doesn't care, except for the fact the the girl I love is one of my best friend's other best friend. We talk about it sometimes and joke, like when I said that guys are just too confusing and i'd rather stay away from them, she replied, "Easy for you to say. For me, not so much." My other friend, the one that's bi, we talk about that stuff all the time. It's easy to cope with once you tell someone you trust and doesn't mind. But first make sure they're not homophobes. :) Good luck.

[Infidelitas]

:wub:I just be myself, and hope to find my man one day:wub: