Deceased Sister's Birthday soon

[SilenceForSilence]

It's been over two years since she died. She was so kind. I've still never had the chance to mourn the loss. My girlfriend of a yeah and a third, who has recently mutually broken off the relationship with me, can no longer fill my mind with tasks to maintain her wellbeing. A gaping emptiness is now left in me. I don't want to talk to real people about my sister. My family avoids the subject at all costs. I promised my ex girlfriend I wouldn't hurt myself if she didn't, but since that promise is nullified, self harm has crossed my mind. My sister died in a fire, as you know if you have read my previous posts. I've been thinking of that a lot. I've never tried buning before. Only cutting. But maybe i should just go all the way, go the same way she did. It would be a horribly painful experience, I know. I feel so guilty just living. Breathing hurts. My conscience is so harsh on me. I like it that way, though. Surely, nothing in life is tangible. Perhaps everything in life is a dream. I've been dreaming for 17 years? Time is a lie. My sister used to be suicidal. She has been since she was a little girl. She was 36 years old. She had 4 kids. My mom told me what made her so depressed was that she was molested when she was 7 years old. And here I am. I'm healthy. I have a wonderful family. I am a talented musician. I have been growing for many years, but time is a lie. My sister was trapped in a garage fire when she died. She didn't have a choice to live. I do. But I can't keep living this dream that the world will keep moving. The world is only as good to a person as his or her view of it. I see a beautiful world that I can't take part in anymore. I can't relate to people as awesome as Fiction, Kaya, Love.Hate, GeorgiaMay, Broken Inside, and others who at least are moving somewhere, whether forward or backward. I'm stuck. I'm considering slitting my wrists in a warm bath, but it's too easy to change your mind. Then again, standing drenched in gasoline holding a match and its box is a situation equally easy to change your mind. Another choice is to keep living, but even that is too easy of a situation to change your mind from. I miss my sister. I've been missing her for a very long time. But it doesn't matter. Time is a lie, and life is a dream.

[sarah newman]

I'm speechless. I'm so sorry you feel like this, but your sister is looking down at you, wishing that you live life to the full. She loved you dearly. I know she will always be with you, in your heart, in your mind, but have you thought of doing s hobby that will put your mind off it? Or writing a diary of your feelings? Because self harming is the wrong way to go, your sister wouldn't want you to do that, and neither would your parents. And if you went the whole way, you parents would have lost two of there children, and that would hurt them.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, and sometimes talking to a stranger on this sort of forum does help more, if you ever wanna talk, feel free to message me at any time, I am always here for you, no matter what decision you make. I will always be here.

[alluneedtoknow]

wow....i wouldnt harm your self in her memory but i would send her a note with a balloon attached to tell her whatever u wanna say. I lost my brother at 14 and my mom at 17 and its definitely hard. neither lived a happy life because my mom was molested and raped at 14 giving birth to my older brother who died. I suffered through her torment with her and i have to say that it helps to know they can hear you and watch over you. and they no longer feel pain so you shouldnt either. i was a cutter and it only got worse until i learned to love myself. if you need help ask for it. writing in the forum is your first step. now be proud of your self and try talking in person and crying. crying is what helps let all the pain out. the only real way. and if it takes months or years so be it. at least youll feel better later. ive cried every night for a while.

[SilenceForSilence]

Sarah, thank you for your offer. I may very well take you up on that. It's nice to have someone who offers to talk.

Alluneedtoknow, I'm very sorry that you have an awful story to tell. I'll try to let myself cry but it's really hard for me. I haven't cut in over a year and that's a pretty long record so I'll try not to screw it up. Thank you for posting.