I'm struggling.

[1_21Guns]

I wrote this on Monday night:

"I am so terribly weak at the moment.. earlier I was so close to opening one of the alcoholic drinks in my room then putting the empty bottle in my bag and binning it on the way to school, just to numb the pain, just to feel nothing, just to remind myself how numb I have to be. Wanted to cut, prom. Can’t.
All I could think was I would rather throw myself off a cliff than spend one more minute on this fucking world. I would rather fucking die.
I can’t say its gone, I can’t say I’m okay again, it’s 3:07AM and sleep is the last thing I want. Sleep doesn’t numb you. So many times I’ve lay down and closed my eyes, hoping to never awake. Everytime I open them in the morning I die a little bit more. Crossing the road, just maybe one time a car will crush me, a racer will come screaming down and tear me in two. Maybe when I’m out walking, I’ll lose my step and fall to my death, or someone would kidnap me and murder me - it’s what I deserve.
I’m sick of this place and I’m sick of humanity. I hate people, I hate myself. I want out. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong and I never will be. I have to sit and have conversations with myself about whats wrong so it won’t all come flooding out in real life, then people won’t know how sick I am, how sick I’ve made myself. Not that anybody would care, they’d just lock me up. I’m so ill and nobody has a clue, I’m sick and I’m sick of it. I feel like a mental case.
I come across as one of the strongest people you will ever meet, I’m actually one of the weakest.
I want to die, I can barely cry anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to feel anything other than pain, and I don’t want to know. Once you know happiness, you know how it feels for it to be ripped from you once again. I’m not allowed to be happy. I never will be.
I’ll still smile, I’ll talk like everythings okay. Nobody asks then, and I don’t know what to say about it. I don’t want help. I don’t know what I want. I want it to stop - everything."

I'm barely sleeping, I'm trying to starve again and failing (probably a good thing). I mean it. I'd seriously rather die then spend anymore time on this fucked up earth. I don't belong here, I'll never belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'm a freak, and accidental freak. I hate that I'm 'spoilt', because I know exactly fucking why. I hate everything, people, society. It all just drives me up the wall. I grew up wanting to change the world, dreaming I could make things better. Niave perhaps, but back then I could get out of bed in the morning. Now I don't sleep, don't eat. I feel like I'm losing my mind because of some things I don't feel comfortable to talk about yet.
I thought that was over, then it came back, doubled and stronger. I can't fight it anymore. I need you. I miss you. I'm so fucking sorry. Just let me die.

[anonymous53]

You seem strong to me. Every day you said you pick yourself up out of bed.
You can make it, and you do belong somewhere, if yet you have to find that place. You will one day. If you grew up wanting to change the world, why'd you stop? You can still make a difference. That would give you a purpose and allow you to be a little happy. I don't know what has happened in your past, but you're here right now and you'll carry on :) :hug:

[sarah newman]

It sounds like you really need someone to be there for you. All these thoughts spinning round in your head, It confuses you and you don't know what to do. You really need to tell someone how you truly feel, because covering it up, saying your okay when your not, that's not gonna help anyone, especially not you. Do you have anyone you can trust, like a parent, friend, relative?? Or have you considered coucilling or speaking to a doctor about your thoughts. You may not think it will not help but trust me, it does, I have been there, I would know. You May be one of those who don't like telling strangers, that's fine, write a diary, just make sure no one reads it! Don't commit suicide, it's the cowards way out. You may find life tough, but who doesn't? Lifes a bitch, but you just gotta take on whatever challenge it is. Can I ask, what makes you feel like this?? Don't answer if you don't want to.
If you wanna talk more about it, message me, anytime.

[1_21Guns]

You seem strong to me. Every day you said you pick yourself up out of bed.
You can make it, and you do belong somewhere, if yet you have to find that place. You will one day. If you grew up wanting to change the world, why'd you stop? You can still make a difference. That would give you a purpose and allow you to be a little happy. I don't know what has happened in your past, but you're here right now and you'll carry on :) :hug:

thankyou, I know what you mean, there are days I don't want to stop, I want to try, they're so rare though, it's hard to hang onto them, I guess I'm barely getting out of bed anymore, idk...

It sounds like you really need someone to be there for you. All these thoughts spinning round in your head, It confuses you and you don't know what to do. You really need to tell someone how you truly feel, because covering it up, saying your okay when your not, that's not gonna help anyone, especially not you. Do you have anyone you can trust, like a parent, friend, relative?? Or have you considered coucilling or speaking to a doctor about your thoughts. You may not think it will not help but trust me, it does, I have been there, I would know. You May be one of those who don't like telling strangers, that's fine, write a diary, just make sure no one reads it! Don't commit suicide, it's the cowards way out. You may find life tough, but who doesn't? Lifes a bitch, but you just gotta take on whatever challenge it is. Can I ask, what makes you feel like this?? Don't answer if you don't want to.
If you wanna talk more about it, message me, anytime.

Lol. I did. I don't even know what happened there though, I've always believed suicide wasn't the right way, probably why 3 previous attempts a few years back failed, but yeah. What makes me feel like this? Depression. Emptiness. Loneliness. The past, the future, everything.

[anonymous53]

Well, is there anything that makes you happy? Like flowers? Xp or drawing? Making music :) Take advantage of those days by doing those things, you'll be happy from them you'll try again the next day :)

[1_21Guns]

I seem to be slipping by with the aid of my computer, I used to draw/write a lot, but when I get like this I'm either in the mood for that kinda stuff, or I'm not. I guess I need to get out more, go back to what I know I enjoy and trying to get on, I guess I just fell down, and unfortunately it was one hell of a drop..

[anonymous53]

Well I think you can do it :) :hug:

[MadManWithaBox]

I think you need more than that Nat. This isn't the first time you've been like this. You need professional help.

[1_21Guns]

I think we all know it's at that point Matt, been at that point for a very long time.

[MadManWithaBox]

Then listen to me, and get it Nat.

[1_21Guns]

Long overdue.

[georgiamay]

Long overdue.

It's never too late, Nat.

You could always go and see your GP? If you're worried about your mum finding out etc, you could always ask the doctor to talk to her about it, and explain that you're nervous about her knowing. The doctor should explain it all if they think it's necessary.

[MadManWithaBox]

Long overdue.

yes Nat it is. We both know that. You need help. Badly. You helped me, 2 years ago, when I needed you, to get help. Now, please take your own advice.

[1_21Guns]

I hate my GP, well I dont even have a specific one I see anymore, one womans patronizing, another is even worse, the guy creeps me out and yeah, the other womans temp, so idk. Not sure they'll even have anything to tell, could turn out theres nothing wrong, I know what adults are like. Kids can't get depressed and mental illnesses are rare. They'd say I was mad for thinking there was something wrong with me if I dared to set foot in that place.

[georgiamay]

I hate my GP, well I dont even have a specific one I see anymore, one womans patronizing, another is even worse, the guy creeps me out and yeah, the other womans temp, so idk. Not sure they'll even have anything to tell, could turn out theres nothing wrong, I know what adults are like. Kids can't get depressed and mental illnesses are rare. They'd say I was mad for thinking there was something wrong with me if I dared to set foot in that place.

If you don't like the others, maybe ask to see the temp? If they say they don't want to do anything, ask if they can refer you somewhere and let someone who's a mental health professional look into it a bit more and see what they think?

I can assure you, they won't think you're mad. They're doctors, I'm sure they've seen and heard much worse.

[1_21Guns]

If you don't like the others, maybe ask to see the temp? If they say they don't want to do anything, ask if they can refer you somewhere and let someone who's a mental health professional look into it a bit more and see what they think?

I can assure you, they won't think you're mad. They're doctors, I'm sure they've seen and heard much worse.

I also have a mild phobia of the doctors, wont go in on my own, my mums always had to come with me, even now

[georgiamay]

I also have a mild phobia of the doctors, wont go in on my own, my mums always had to come with me, even now

In that case, there are councelling services you could go to, and they won't be able to tell your parents anything, and I think they might not even need to know that you've been at all, considering you're 16.

[1_21Guns]

In that case, there are councelling services you could go to, and they won't be able to tell your parents anything, and I think they might not even need to know that you've been at all, considering you're 16.

Not where I live, I'd have to go to the nearest town which is a 20 minute bus journey which I simply can't afford to try and find one, which just, meh. I dunno, I'm fine, I know I should, I've known for 2 years now, I just.. :/

[georgiamay]

Not where I live, I'd have to go to the nearest town which is a 20 minute bus journey which I simply can't afford to try and find one, which just, meh. I dunno, I'm fine, I know I should, I've known for 2 years now, I just.. :/

I know what you mean. But everyone in this sort of situation doesn't just magically get better. Eventually, you'll end up getting help whether you like it or not, but wouldn't it be better to get it willingly? Wouldn't it be better to get it now, so it doesn't take as long to recover as it would be in a few months/years time?

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it's true. Eventually, everyone gets help at some point, but some people are just forced into it, and others accept it.

[1_21Guns]

I know what you mean. But everyone in this sort of situation doesn't just magically get better. Eventually, you'll end up getting help whether you like it or not, but wouldn't it be better to get it willingly? Wouldn't it be better to get it now, so it doesn't take as long to recover as it would be in a few months/years time?

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but it's true. Eventually, everyone gets help at some point, but some people are just forced into it, and others accept it.

I've always planned to get help when I was 18, and that was back when I was just depressed. I've known I needed help for a very long time, only just realised how much since I've taken another turn for the worst, I've regained control of what's going on at the moment, but as always it will only be temporaray. I don't think getting help is really going to help me either as such, I instantly close off from anyone I don't know who tries to get in my head, I just don't know. I'll get help one day, I'm just not sure how much longer I can take, my whole lifes a time bomb, and no amount of therapy will change that

[Kaya]

Hey...I know we don't talk like...ever...but if you want to vent or just talk about anything really, I'm here for you. I'm not the best at giving advice, but I can try.

When I was suicidal, I remember waking up in the morning and just feeling like crying and ripping my hair out. I would walk onto the bus with music blasting from my headphones. I'd get off the bus and I'd wait for my friend...we'd walk over to everyone together and I'd talk with them. Once it started getting colder out, we had to wait inside. I wouldn't talk to anyone then..I kept my head down on the table. But, once I found some stability, I noticed things started to get better. I had gone to the psych ward twice, and the day hospital program. Have you considered one of those? People think it's like a prison or something...but it really isn't. and facing your phobia of seeing doctors would be one step towards getting better. Sometimes it's better if you force yourself to do things you don't like. Sorta like going on a rollercoaster...it's scary, but after so long it gets easier. I know you probably don't want to take advice from someone who's younger than you...and maybe I'm just repeating what someone else has told you..I don't know. I think it'd be best for you to get the professional help you need, whether you like it or not. Maybe, you could just try doing the things you liked doing before..and you need to eat. Your stomach will just get smaller and smaller and you'll get skinnier and skinnier. I don't eat much..people say I 'eat like a bird.' But..the point is that now, when I do want to eat a decent amount, it hurts to much. Today I had a taco for dinner. Did I want another one? Heck yea. Could I eat another one? No. and I know you want to die...but that's not a good choice. You still have your whole life ahead of you and things will get better in time. It won't happen overnight, and probably won't happen quickly...but it will work out eventually. It's not an easy thing to go and get help. Or to talk about your problems with a professional. Or face the people you love...but I know you can do it. Whether you think you're weak or not, I believe in you. <3

PM me anytime.

[1_21Guns]

thank you Kaya :hug3: