Cutting, no motivation and lack of care.

[asdfgh12]

Lets start from my school life. Throughout secondary school I had no friends. None. No best friend, no friend to hang out with at the weekends, no friend to talk to, no-one, at all. I wasn't really bullied either. But the thing is I didn't really know I had no friends. I was socially inept of knowing I didn't have friends because I didn't have anything to compare it to. I thought I was just not popular.
I was an arrogant c*nt who thought highly of himself and looked down on other people. I was kinda bullied, always picked last for football teams in P.E, being excluded from table at lunch. I look back now and realize how bad it was.
Anyway, I spent last Summer indoors all day, everyday and I think my memory has blacked it out because I don't remember what I did instead of going out.
So college comes and I find a new group of friends, gain two best friends I can share anything with and a lot of other nice people.
Anyway since the start of college however, I have had a lack of motivation in any work, the same as it was at GCSE, but it was noticed more due to the efficiency of the college. Anyway I started bunking classes and the college noticed. I got suspended for a week, and my parents found out and were shocked. As soon as I was suspended I saw nothing, no future and I looked back at my past of not having a girlfriend, not even making out with a girl, and just being a dick to people. So I stole (I steal anyway so its not a big deal for me) 7 boxes of painkillers and aspirin and a litre of concetrated ribena. I was on the second box and I already had over 15 missed calls from my parents, had thrown my bag and ipod down the steep hill I was on and ate the pills. I stopped because my best friend called me and I realized it was stupid to end my life over this. So I skipped work and stayed round his.
This is when I started self harming. I snapped off a blade off of a razorblade and started scratching my skin lightly. It felt great. The deepest I went was about 2/3 mm and I didn't think it would stop bleeding.

Oh yeah - I had a mental breakdown at a PARTY, randomly and started saying I was a shit friend to everyone and loadsa people saw my scars which are pretty bad (considering I've looked it up a lot on the internet). So yeah, and on my birthday camping thing (the other week), I got pissed off at people for nothing and stormed of and climbed onto the railing of a motorway bridge. That was a real low point.

So anyway, no future, getting kicked out of college due to my low motivation.
My parents found out about the cutting last week. I went to a doctor and apparently it's just coping with stress. Not to do with the fact that I cry myself to sleep most nights, barely get any sleep or about 12 hours sleep. And have suicidal thoughts MOST OF THE FUCKING TIME.

My parents love me, but they want me to move into a hostel as I'm always moody and bring eveyone down, start arguments, and stay in my room all the time, on the internet. I've talked to my friends about a bit but not in depth.

I just don't see the point in living really. But I don't see the point in ending it either. I don't know. I've come close to ending it but I don't know if I actually will.

I just wanted to get it off my chest, and I know that people are in worse situations, but to be honest with you Idgaf. It doesnt make me feel any better anyway. Maybe I'm just a stupid teenager dealing with hormones, but I don't really think that it would lead you to want to take your own life.

So my arms are pretty much fucked, I can never wear t-shirts which means that some employers may turn me down. I stole another razor from the garage today anyway so that will help.

If I go to college Tomorrow, they'll kick me out for sure. I didn't catch up on any work and didn't do the compulsory work set. I'm such a fuck-up. I don't know why my parents put up with my crap.

Can anyone else relate to this?
What should I do?

[sarah newman]

Wow, you have had a tough life. I'm sorry to hear you have gone through this much.
You shouldn't skip school or college, because the grades you will get will stick with you, and you don't have a second chance to go back and take them.
If you shop-lift and get caught, as you are probably aware, it will be put on a criminal record, and so when you go for an interview, they can see this and will put people who don't have a criminal record first. So my advice to to you is to stop doing that.
I know you probably don't care as you have gone through this much, but you will look back and think to yourself, "why couldn't I of tried harder?"
I know people will probably say to you, go and get help, but I mean it- you really need to talk to a proffessional of anything, or someone you trust. Your family, your friends. Because, even though you probably don't see it, there are people out there who care and love you.
I'm sorry to hear about you not really having any friends at school, but that has changed
now hasn't it?
And as for self harming? Don't do it, trust me, it's best in the long run. I was a self harmer
and I know what you mean by saying it makes you happy, but is it really worth 10 mins of happiness, then feeling guilty for doing it and worrying if anyone finds out, clearing the mess up and trying to cover up the scars? Try and find a hobby you like doing and focus on that, it will work out in the long run hun.
If you ever wanna talk to anyone - and I mean it - message me, and I promise you I won't think you are stupid, I will totally understand what you are goin through and I will reply. Good luck with your future and what you decide :)

[MattVon]

Everyone does things in their life that they regret doing and they believe that once they've done it they can't go back and repair the damage that they felt they caused. Big deal if college suspend you, sure it's a big de-motivator but you have to accept the consequences of your own actions and understand why they happened, figure out solutions on how to fix something rather than hide away from them. The more you hide aware/resort to self-harming or anything suicidal the worse it becomes and the worse you will feel.

I don't really think it's much of an issue that you may not have had any friends when you were younger, it just means you've lived things differently. It's something I'm used to nowadays, having rarely any friends. I do have a few, but not like what I used to but to be honest, I'm glad because the majority of the people I used to be friends with now do drugs and cause havoc and that's just not my scene. I think the best course for solution for you use to knuckle down, I suspect this year of college has been wasted but I'm positive you can re-apply for next year, if possible for a course you know you will thoroughly enough or something practical enough to keep you occupied, something you know you will enjoy.

As for everything else, you just need something that can occupy you that just fills your brainwaves with something other than your own thoughts, something I find common to for this is music, since a lot of people will relate to music depending on their mood. As for your parents, I don't think it's really fair of them to tell you to go to a hostel because of how you make people feel, you're their offspring it's their responsibility to raise you and they've allowed you to become who you are now.

Well, it doesn't sound like they were much help if you're like this now, but I'm sure they love you and they're probably just stressed because they don't know how to help you. You've just gotta help yourself, so your parents can help you and stuff, you know?