I feel like I'm on the edge.

[georgiamay]

I honestly think the tiniest little think could drive me over the edge and I'll just break down, I might even end up killing myself.

I don't have any intent to commit suicide, but y'know. Everything pisses me off. And I'm scared that someone's going to say something I don't like and I'm just gonna flip out infront of them.

I've been doing my statistics coursework, and I was anxious as it was anyway, but suddenly I was so anxious I was shaking and my hands went numb, and I ended up writing the same paragraph over and over again until I felt calm enough to stop. What a waste of paper.

I don't even know what I'm anxious about. I guess I've been so busy procrastinating that I've suddenly realised how much fucking work I was meant to do over the holidays. But it's not that at all, I know it's not. I've been on the edge since friday, it's just suddenly hit me that I'm going to explode at some point.

Today my dad asked me how many scars I had, I said a few. He asked if they'd be gone by our holiday, and I said I don't know. Then he said that if they weren't, he still hadn't paid the balance yet, and that he could just leave me here and I could stay at my mums while they went away. I said that I could just wear short, and he said that'd look weird, considering my cousins will be wearing little skimpy things and I'll look like the odd one out. I half wanted to just blurt out, "I lied before, I have a shit load of scars, and they definately won't be gone by august, so just leave me here, it'd be better for all of us." But yeah, I didn't say that, I just changed the subject.

I dissassociated badly on saturday. I had to cut to get me out of it, but I didn't even realise I'd done it until I was bleeding. I mean, I could see it, but it didn't register that it was happening until it was too late. It scared me, I'm scared it'll happen again, and I might go too deep. But maybe that'd be a good thing, and I'd finally be able to rest.

I don't know, I don't fucking know.

Sorry, pointlessly ranty thread.

[FullyAlive]

I understand, I really do this is how I'm feeling at the moment.

You feel anxious, haven't you been talking to your therapist about your anxiety? Or if you haven't could you? She might be able to give you suggestions on what to do to stop it. Or at least decrease it.

I know what you mean about work I haven't done any either and I know that's not the reason you feel like this but it probably doesn't help. It just puts more pressure on you. Could you like plan out when you can do the work or something? And remember we leave soon. :D

I don't really know what to say about your dad. It sounds a bit tactless how he put that. But unfortunately there's nothing you can do about the scars now. Thats the past although you can try not to create new ones. Easier said than done I know :/
Also would you actually prefer to stay at home? With your mum? If you really would then maybe it's a good idea.
However I don't think you really want too. Do you? Maybe next time tell him he should be glad you aren't wearing skimpy stuff. Most dads would prefer their daughters coveted up a bit more :p but then again maybe that won't help. Could you possibly tell him that you know it'll be awkward but there isn't much else you can do? I'm not sure how close you are to him.

As for the dissassocating is there anything other than cutting which stops it. Idk I can't think of an example. Something like pinching yourself but not, unless of course that does work.

You don't really want to go too deep, not really. You know that isn't the answer. You know where I am should you need me. :hug:

[Fiction]

Have you told your therapist about this? The writing the paragraphs over and over again sounds pretty similar to a compulsion in OCD.

As for your dad he's being unfair, not you so don't let it get to you.

I'm sorry I don't really have a lot to say just thought i'd add that ><

:hug:

[georgiamay]

Thanks for replying guys :)

Have you told your therapist about this? The writing the paragraphs over and over again sounds pretty similar to a compulsion in OCD.

It hasn't really come up, but tbh it very rarely happens, I have to be really on edge to write it over and over again.