I'm getting worse.

[FullyAlive]

It seems like all I ever do is moan. But I'm scared and I don't know where else to turn.
I'm getting worse I know I am, I see it happening but I've no idea how to stop it. Everything is happening at once.

I want to spend all my time alone, although when I am alone I spend my time wishing I was with someone. But everyone irritates me, any little thing which is said to me I find myself wanting to just scream at whoever spoke.
I'm back to crying myself to sleep at night, I can't cope with feeling like this. Sad and alone with no real reason to be this way.

I have to cut just to get through the day I used to just scratch a bit and it'd work for a distraction, but now it's gotten to the point where if the cuts are relatively shallow and I do less than 15 I can still count that as a day without self harm. Otherwise I'd be forever at day 0.*
Everyday I have the suicidal thoughts, I took two minor overdoses in less than a week. If I had my way I'd have taken a lot more. Everything I look at I find myself thinking how could i hurt myself with it? How could this kill me? I'm subconsciously drawn to the aisle with the pills in supermarkets and if I don't stop myself I'm buying the pills..*

I have a CAMHS appointment with a counsellor for just over a month away. I know that they want to help me. But I'm worried a month is a long time. If things keep going the way they are now, I might not be here in a month.
I try my best I really do, but nothing is changing, I feel worse with each passing day.*

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve with this tbh. I just can't keep it in any longer. I can't take it.

[Kaius]

Firstly, you don't always moan, we're happy to help you thats why we're all here :)
When you say everything irritates you I know how that feels, and when you want to stay away from people. From the things you've described you're probably around the same point I am at the moment but the worst thing you can possibly do is try to bottle it up, because when it does finally come out it'll be in the worst place possible and probably directed at the wrong person without even meaning to. Blocking people out may seem like the best solution but really.. its not, it just makes you feel so much more alone :/ I've had the majority of my Msn list on block for the past week, i dont respond to messages through facebook and I've hardly spoken to anyone in real life because I thought really they'd be better off without me talking to them. I haven't given myself the chance to go near anything that could potentially cause me harm despite badly wanting to.

Do you do anything to keep yourself distracted? I've found my tumblr helps me a lot, I have a private one i use to vent on which only select people have access to. It helps to know that even though not everyone can see it a few people that i trust can and they'll have a good access to whats going on inside my head. If you've got someone you know you can trust then let them in, because thats going to be one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself.

As for cutting.. well to be honest, if cutting is staving off the urges then I don't advise stopping it, maybe cutting down when you feel like you can but don't just stop, because the rush of emotion you'll build up after that will potentially make matters worse.

I stopped using CAMHS last year cause I was reaching the age limit, but one of the counselors there helped me so much its beyond belief, i wouldn't be half as sane as I am now without him. But my final counselor for the past two years didn't help at all. So don't be put off if the counselor you get doesn't help you as much as you need. If this is the case then make sure you get the option to change to a different counselor as soon as possible. You're there to be helped, if you don't feel they're helping then they're not going to be put off or angry that you asked to change, they want whats best for you at the end of the day.

I know you're pretty close to Kathy, but if you need anyone else to talk to I'd be happy to. You know where to find me if you need to talk :)

[Fiction]

Louise I moan at you too shush :P I don't see it as moaning anyway, I want to help you :) :hug:

I know a month seems like a long time, but councelling could be what you need to start getting back on track. Just make sure you tell the truth, CAHMS can't tell your parents anything unless you are going to cause harm to yourself or anyone else. That doesn't include suicidal thoughts, only suicidal intent.

As Aaron said, don't stop cutting straight away, it's something you heavily rely on and just stopping doesn't end well. You have to be ready to stop and only then should you stop.

I'm always here if you want to talk Louise :hug:

[FullyAlive]

Thanks Aaron.
I'm not really sure why I don't talk to anyone anymore. It's the holidays usually I'd be out everyday, but this time I don't think I've gone out even 25% of the days. I can't stand it I've only really seen a few people properly, and even then I've tried to make them talk about themselves for the entire time so I can just sit there and nod in the right places. And I go out when I can't take the house anymore, when my mum has come into my room for the 5th time in an hour. She no longer knocks I swear she wants to catch me cutting. But anyway I don't know but sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm being distant to prepare them, my death seems inevitable and they need to learn to live without me. I'd rather they remembered the old me than the one I'm turning into. I don't like this one and I don't think anyone else will either.
I get annoyed at everyone all the time. I used to be a really talkative person. Sometimes I barely utter 5 words to my family. I just can't take any of it. Even the mundane questions have me really annoyed.

As for distracting myself, I used to write exceptionally badly :P but I used to write all the same. But now I don't do much to distract myself I haven't the energy I'm exhausted just from living. And I know it's bad but I cut to distract myself too. I like it I find myself watching the blood it passes time.

I can't tell anyone what goes on in my head though, I have the people I talk too, the people I trust. But if I tell them what I think about they'll think I'm mad or psychotic. They won't look at me the same. They'll always think differently of me. I know they will.

And I know you said don't just stop cutting but I HAVE too it's expected of me. Everyone wants me too, I can't just carry on. I want too but I can't.

But thanks for replying :)



And Kathy, first :hug: to you too.

Thanks for replying, I'm not too worried about that appointment yet I just need it sooner. It's all escalating really quickly it's out of my control. I can't stop it, I can only watch it happen. And like i said before I can't not stop. Everyone else needs me to stop so I have too.

Thanks for being there :)