3 Years On

[Malcolm Tucker]

April 25th, 2008.

Tomorrow will be 3 years. 3 years since I almost succeeded in taking my life. It all dawned on me yesterday. I was watching CSI: NY and it featured someone who did it and succeeded, in the exact same way I tried. It just all came back to me, relived the experience all over again. It wasn't pleasant.

Then, it dawned on me. I'm on the same path as I was then. Self-Harm increasing, mood just getting more and more erratic, and I'm withdrawing from people all over again. This time, though, I am not ending it the way I did last time, definitely not. I'm never, ever attempting that again, I've never looked back since. Not doing it was the best decision I've ever made. But even so, I've gone through some shit since then. I've contemplated it. But no, never again.

I started therapy last Wednesday, and I have to go weekly from now on. No meds, yet. But this...feeling. It's ruining me all over again. I'm not interested in anything besides sitting around and just being static. Worse still, it's ruining my school work. I can't bring myself to open a book, with my final exams in June, this can't end well. I don't know. Something that's plaguing me is that feeling - what difference would it be if I didn't fail 3 years ago? :/ I am seriously doubting many peoples' lives would be affected much.

I don't know. I'm finished ranting, even though it doesn't make much sense. >.<

[Fiction]

Micheal, I know what it's like to look back and "relive" attempts, and I know it's not nice, and I know you're going to have these doubts on what it'd be like but you just have to trust that it didn't happen. It didn't happen and look how far you've come since. Therapy could be a new start for you.

Just the little things you've done make people's lives so different. So many people would be devastated that you'd gone. They'd be dreading tomorrow. Remembering it as three years since they lost their son, their friend or whatever else. People wouldn't be the same. People would have been so affected by losing you and I know that's hard to see sometimes but it's true.

I'm sorry i'm not much help, but I understand how you feel and i'm here if you ever need to talk.

[slappy]

Good job on lasting this long.
Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is like the ocean, sometimes the weather is good an the water is smooth. Sometimes the waves are choppy and rough you just have to go with the flow and ride the waves of life.

[moon_lit_angel]

you made it through today :)