The Joker
April 24th, 2011, 04:42 AM
It never stops. The criticism, the yelling. It's just this constant stream. Even when I apologize, I still get to hear about what I did wrong, or why I'm wrong. It never stops. Dad, I don't know what to do any more. You love me, I know, but you can't seem to raise me properly. When someone's crying, telling them how they were part of the problem, part of the cause, that doesn't help them. Dad, I wish you could see me as more than a report card.
When mom started her sentence off with, "Well, does Matthew approve of this?"
And you reply with, "It doesn't matter what Matthew thinks or wants,"...how am I supposed to feel about that? I'm tired of the lectures every day, about how you always have the solution to all my problems, all the things I'm doing wrong. I want you to tell me what I'm doing right. Why am I doing bad in school? Because of my shitty self esteem full of you telling me what the fuck is wrong with me. I get it, you're trying to help, but listen to me....just listen to someone else for once. You're not helping. You're hurting me.
I just feel terrible for the fact that the only reason I can say I love you is that you're part of my family. The way you hurt me with the criticism, I just want it to stop. I just want to sleep and never hear another word about what's wrong with me. I want to wake up to a proud father. The stress I get from all of this isn't just my fault. It's not always my fault. I'm not going to empower others by letting them know they can stress me out, but it's not always me.
I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm sorry for not being the perfect son that you've always wanted. I'm trying. I really am. Please, I can't do this. This stress is killing me. I was just trying to protect you. I'm just trying to help you. When he hurts you, and talks down to you, demeans you, how do you think I'm going to react? Just sit in my room and ignore it? No. I won't let him have that power.
And Dad, I'm gay. It hurt me when you told me that AIDS was primarily found in gay people, because of their promiscuity. I really didn't like it when you told me you were pro gay marriage, "So that they can keep AIDS between themselves.". I also didn't like you telling me that being gay is a choice. I sure as hell don't remember choosing this, and I still struggle with this all the time. Because you're unaware that I am gay, you're unaware of how fucking deep of a blow that is to me. I didn't choose this. I'm not any more promiscuous than any other person because I'm gay. Stop.
When mom started her sentence off with, "Well, does Matthew approve of this?"
And you reply with, "It doesn't matter what Matthew thinks or wants,"...how am I supposed to feel about that? I'm tired of the lectures every day, about how you always have the solution to all my problems, all the things I'm doing wrong. I want you to tell me what I'm doing right. Why am I doing bad in school? Because of my shitty self esteem full of you telling me what the fuck is wrong with me. I get it, you're trying to help, but listen to me....just listen to someone else for once. You're not helping. You're hurting me.
I just feel terrible for the fact that the only reason I can say I love you is that you're part of my family. The way you hurt me with the criticism, I just want it to stop. I just want to sleep and never hear another word about what's wrong with me. I want to wake up to a proud father. The stress I get from all of this isn't just my fault. It's not always my fault. I'm not going to empower others by letting them know they can stress me out, but it's not always me.
I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm sorry for not being the perfect son that you've always wanted. I'm trying. I really am. Please, I can't do this. This stress is killing me. I was just trying to protect you. I'm just trying to help you. When he hurts you, and talks down to you, demeans you, how do you think I'm going to react? Just sit in my room and ignore it? No. I won't let him have that power.
And Dad, I'm gay. It hurt me when you told me that AIDS was primarily found in gay people, because of their promiscuity. I really didn't like it when you told me you were pro gay marriage, "So that they can keep AIDS between themselves.". I also didn't like you telling me that being gay is a choice. I sure as hell don't remember choosing this, and I still struggle with this all the time. Because you're unaware that I am gay, you're unaware of how fucking deep of a blow that is to me. I didn't choose this. I'm not any more promiscuous than any other person because I'm gay. Stop.