i don't know what to do anymore

[Hunter Lily]

Hi, my name is Hunter Lily and I'm 13 years old.
At the start of this year I had a very traumatic experience where a boy videod me on a chat program while I was doing things that I shouldn't have been. He told me he loved me.. I trusted him to love me and got shot down because of this. I was unaware and when I got back to school (this was during summer) I found out that he had sent it to all my friends. I felt numb, as if I could trust no one. I didn't feel anything and I still don't. I wanted to feel and whenever I would feel physical pain, it would remind me that I could feel. I needed this, I didn't feel human and still don't. I needed the pain to feel human, so I began to cut myself. This went on for about 5 months when my parents saw, but I promised to stop so they didn't continue on about it. However, now I feel like everything and everyone depends on me being perfect. I feel like I'm feeling everyone and so i started cutting myself again. I can't stop. I don't know what to do. The pain makes me feel and I can't imagine life without it. Once I cut so deep that it wouldn't stop bleeding, I was scared but at the same time I didn't want it to stop. In that moment I wished I could bleed out and just not be there anymore. It stopped eventually, although I can't say I'm happy it did. I don't know what to do, I feel ugly and fat constantly and people make me feel like that :( Sometimes I wish I hadn't been born, but I was and I screwed it up. I don't know how to stop cutting and it feels like the deeper I cut, the more I feel and the better punished I am for letting someone in. :( Please help me or give me advice. :confused:

[REGRET]

You don't deserve to be treated like that boy treated you, he was an ass. I bet you're an amazing person.
Like Brian above me said, you are human, and are allowed to make mistakes in life, we won't judge you here. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm always here to talk :hug3:

[Hunter Lily]

Thank you both of you so much :')

You should know that he continued to send it to everyone from grade 6-12 :(

Merged, please don't double post ~ georgiamay.

[Fiction]

You are not in the wrong here, he is. I know that's probably hard to believe, you feel like it's your fault because YOU did it, but it's not. He could get intro trouble with the law for doing this. Have you tried reporting it to teachers? or the police? It would be a hard thing to do I understand that but it might help in the long run. Before you can start to accept and feel better about what's happening, you need it to be over.

As for cutting, it may give that temporary relief but it does no good in the long run. It just becomes an addiction making you feel worse. There are other, better ways to cope. Something i've found that helps is keeping a diary. When i'm feeling upset or whatever I just write down every thought I have on to paper.

Remember that none of this is your fault and you don't deserve what happened. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk :)

[Dimitri]

This makes me hoghly upset, I have an appointment in a few min. so thta will give me some time to tone down my answer cause I would really like to use a few choice words but I will refrain. I will post later on.

I do have to say though that HE IS WRONG......