How do I explain?

[FullyAlive]

So I've overdosed recently. I hadn't thrown the empty packets away. I was out today. My mother tidied my room. Fuck knows why, she doesn't usually but she did. The empty packets are gone. I'd hidden the packets I'd bought to kill myself. I've checked they are undisturbed. But the two empty packets are gone.

She was alone with me just and didn't say anything. But has she guessed? And what do I tell her if she asks? I don't want the "this will help you get help posts" because I'm already getting help I've been to the doctor I have an appointment with a counsellor next month. But I told her I'm not talking to her about my self harm so she hasn't. But no one, adult anyway, knows I overdosed. I'm getting help now I don't want to have to talk to her. How awkward would that be.

Maybe she hasn't guessed, maybe she thinks I was really ill?

What the fuck do I do?!

/rant

Edit: The blade I had under my pillow is gone too. I have others but... She was told not to take my blades!

[georgiamay]

Okay, so the empty packets are probably nothing. She probably thought they were rubbish and thought nothing of it, a lot of people have pills in their rooms in case they have a sudden headache or something, so she probably assumed they'd just been left there.

I know she was told not to take away your blades, but when she saw it she probably didn't care. It's a parents instict to protect their child, and that's probably what she was doing. "I don't want my daughter to hurt herself, so I'll take it away..." That's probably what she was thinking. My parents did the same even after they'd been told not to take away my blades. I'd say try not to worry about it, she hasn't guessed anything new, she can't assume that you've overdosed because of a few empty packets.

[FullyAlive]

But I've never kept pills in my room ever. They are always downstairs. I've always been told to tell her before I take anything. And also she's not put the packets in my bin like she has the other rubbish, I don't know where she has put them but if she thought they were just rubbish why wouldn't she put them in my bin like everything else?

But I'm still annoyed about her taking the blade. She was told by both the doctor and my teacher that whilst the goal is for me to stop I need to do it by solving the problems. She was told stopping me cutting could make me do something worse. And it will, I know it will.

[MadManWithaBox]

I'm not surprised she took your blade. Regardless of whatever advice, your mother is your mother. If she see's something you're gonna hurt yourself with, she's obviously gonna take it, its instinct.

[FullyAlive]

Matt- I know your right it's her instinct or whatever. But she still shouldn't have done it. She was told not too, it's my room, my blade and my decision. I'm getting help isn't that enough for her?!

[MadManWithaBox]

She understands that, I'm sure she does. On the other hand, she see's pills and blades, she thinks thats she's failed as a parent. She's supposed to protect your from harm and hurt, and she see's these things, and she thinks she's failed. And she wants to help you, but she doesn't know how. So the only thing she can do is to physically take these things away from you, like blades and pills.

[FullyAlive]

I suppose, idk I can still be annoyed though surely?
It's not her though. I'd never blame her. Sure my dad has failed I know he's contributed to everything but I can honestly say she hasn't at least not consciously.
Why doesn't she understand, she can't protect me from myself. I have other blades and I can buy other pills. Why doesn't she see taking my stuff won't stop me. It just upsets me.

[MadManWithaBox]

Sure you can be annoyed. Just don't hate her for it, don't be too pissed off. When parents do things like that, regardless of how the child thinks of it, they're doing it for you. Or what they think is right for you. Her job is to protect you, as a parent. Even if its from yourself. Even if it does more harm than good.

[FullyAlive]

Yeah ok. I don't hate her. I suppose she's just looking out for me even if she's going about it wrong. I just wish she realized I'm going to cut myself anyway regardless of whether she takes my blade. Even if she took everything sharp away in the house. I'd find a way.
And I'm annoyed because it was my better blade, newer the others aren't as sharp. Which means they don't cut as clean. So in the long run she's caused more damage anyway.

[MadManWithaBox]

Well sure. But as I say, I doubt she's thinking like that. Even if you do still cut, a possibility I'm sure she's aware of, its better to take away one blade than do nothing to help you.