Tee-Jaii
April 18th, 2011, 03:21 PM
I posted this on another website, and got very little help, so i thought i'd repost it here, and hopefully get some more help =)
((posted several months ago in december))
okay, this is going to seem pretty long and confusing, but im going to go into as much detail as possible to get as much help as possible.
The events occur in school, and so, this may be a bit hard to understand, and any further information needed will be given.
my story begins in september '07
At this point i was in year 8 (age 13, close to fourteen)
the previous year was when I had first told myself I was Bisexual (Age 12)
okay, so lets start at the very begining.
September 2007 - July 2008
The start of september is when I returned from summer holidays. After a couple weeks, i have settled in, and have gotten to know roughy what people are like in my new classes. and the story begins in my French class.
In our school, there are three major, unwritten groups. Theres the "populars" - People who have lots of friends, the majority of them are chavvy, enjoy drinking, sex the whole buisness.
The "Freaks" - self explanatory, not many of these, these are th epopel who just, dont fit in, everyone dislikes them near enough, and theyre the butt of all jokes.
Then there are the regulars. Which is where I am. Average people, they got their friends, and their lives are good.
Now, in my French Class, Theres a boy called Mitchell (no surnames for privacy) who falls under the "populars" category. Now, All I know so far about Mitchell, is that he is a pretty cool guy, he's funny, a bit of a rebel, and he is pretty smart.
Which is all i know for a few months, untill I end up sharing a P.E changing room, where i notice that he is, And if you'll excuse the common term, Excruciatingly Hot! and i dont just mean normal hot guy hot, i mean, More muscled than most guys my age, nice skin, the lot, And I only notice because i overhear one of the "populars" talking to him, saying "Mitch, Seriously, Your Ripped man!" and he acts modestly, and doesnt agree, but of course, I look over and notice that he really Is.
okay, so all I know so far, is he is Hot, he's clever, and he is funny.
And, Okay, I dont feel much for him yet, but y'know, ive got this sort of "I Would" thing i my head, as most people do with people they find attractive.
But over the course of the year, i get to know him indirectly, never actually speaking to him properly, but i gradually learn more about his personality, things about him, hear people saying things about him, and its all stuff that i look for in a guy. and so, at this point, I develop a crush on this boy.
of course, i dont tell him, i havent told anyone I'm Bi for a start, so thats off the checklist.
this is pretty much how it goes up untill the next year, 2008
September 2008 - July 2009
at this point, I have had girlfriends, but none of them ever matched up to what i wanted from Mitchell. as far as it goes here for this year, nothing really happens if i'm honest. plenty of gazing, and wishing, and my feelings for him grow, but not much past the crush still. I'm still "In The Closet" if you will.
Me and Mitchell still arent talking, not out of hate or dislike, but purely because w ehave no need to.
and thats how it is for the year, i almost forget about him untill around the end of the school year, June, where I share a class with him again, as my timetable is changed, where i am reminded how much i liked him.
September 2009 - July 2010
This is where my troubles begin to set in. around the end term of the year, which is probably at around May by this time, i am only sharing maths class with Mitchell (the timetable change) but my feelings have just gone overboard, I full on want to be his boyfriend. Cross country comes along, And after we have been running around, (I shoudl take this opportunity to tell you that i am not an attractive guy, or conventionally at least, im pretty overweight*, and so thats an instant dismissal to most people) And around this time im around 14, and so is he, And this is where puberty sets in, meaning quick muscle growth. I return fro cross country to find Mitchell is sitting with his top off, and i am suddenly blown away by him. Which then makes me think of everything else about him i love, his personality is brilliant, i ahve recently discovered that he is nto as chavvy as i thought, he is friendly, clever, everyone lieks him, even people from the "regulars" seem to think he is a good guy, and he is my perfect guy.
but, my feelings are truly hammered in when i tellt he first person i am Bi, my best friend Vikki. I talk to her about Mitchell a lot, telling her everything i love about him, and stuff, and then she asks me, as a random, off the wall remark because we were joking about people we liked, she says "At Least I dont Love Mitchell (surname)!" which is when my face drops, and i feel my face burn. I had never thought about it like that, but i realised that I thought i was in love with him, and although it was impossible, I barely knew him, It seemed right.
of course, at first, Vikki was saying i'd get over him, it's a phase im going through.
but it isnt, He ends up playing on my mind a LOT, and often i am reduced to tears by it (pathetic I know) and Vikki, one day, catches me crying, and after i explain why, she starts to agree that maybe i am in love with this boy.
so it stays liek this for a while, through the summer, and into year eleven, where we are now. And the trouble REALLY Begins.
*See Attatched Picture of Me :D
September 2010 - Present
By Now, i have told many people I am Bisexual. i'm "out" and i'm in a class with a lot of the "populars" and i become friends with some of them. and one of them is extremely good friends with Mitchell. we get talking, and she tells me how amazing he is, and that several other bisexual people have liked him before.
which, for some unknown reason, crushes me.
unknown untill i realise that if so many bisexual people have liked him already, and they were his friends, and he hasnt said yes to either of them, what chance do i have with him?
so for about a month, i spiral into a more depressed state of mind, but i perk up again after a while, and begin tlaking to other people about it, friends i can trust, who all give me excellent advice, which laste dup untill about two months ago.
which was when the wrong person found Out that i liked Mitchell, and told him.
this was not what i wanted at all. if he knew, i knew that he would hate me, i didnt know why, i just knew he would,
im even mroe crushed. He knows, and turns out he had already guessed. Guess i shoulda kept it hidden better. I decide that the best move is to ignore him for a while, dont let him know i know that he knows.
so, we're in class one day, (meaning a few days after i discover he knows) and i raise my head to look at the board, when i notice someone looking at me.
Mitchell.
and He's Glaring at me.
of course, i've welled up, and had to blink away tears, which is when i notice a couple fo the more "Bitchy girls" looking at me too, and i realise that htey also know.
and so, after lesson, i can hear them whispering "Oh my god! did you hear? Tom Fancys Mitchell!!"
so one of them turns to me and asks if it's true
in a panic, I ignore them, and walk quickly away into my next lesson, forgetting she was in it, and when she follws behind me, she looks at me with a face torn between "i'm sorry," and "gossip!!"
which leads us up to now. I'm still avoiding Mitchell, but i cant help it, if i hear his voice in class, or if i see him catch my eye for a split second, I feel this, strange, sinking feelign int he bottom of my chest, and it hurts, like a physical pain, which then changes to shaking, like im running off adrenaline, then fades. A while ago i felt the pain so badly i almost passed out, becaus ei couldnt controll my breathing, or my shaking legs.
So,after that long winded story, I want advice/answers/opinions on a few things:
ONE:What is it? Is it Love? a Crush? What could last this long, which can be affecting me so much, even though i barely know the guy as a friend
TWO: What do i do to cope?
THREE: What is the sinking feeling i have?
Any Further Details will be happily Provided
Thank you.
Tom -x-
((posted several months ago in december))
okay, this is going to seem pretty long and confusing, but im going to go into as much detail as possible to get as much help as possible.
The events occur in school, and so, this may be a bit hard to understand, and any further information needed will be given.
my story begins in september '07
At this point i was in year 8 (age 13, close to fourteen)
the previous year was when I had first told myself I was Bisexual (Age 12)
okay, so lets start at the very begining.
September 2007 - July 2008
The start of september is when I returned from summer holidays. After a couple weeks, i have settled in, and have gotten to know roughy what people are like in my new classes. and the story begins in my French class.
In our school, there are three major, unwritten groups. Theres the "populars" - People who have lots of friends, the majority of them are chavvy, enjoy drinking, sex the whole buisness.
The "Freaks" - self explanatory, not many of these, these are th epopel who just, dont fit in, everyone dislikes them near enough, and theyre the butt of all jokes.
Then there are the regulars. Which is where I am. Average people, they got their friends, and their lives are good.
Now, in my French Class, Theres a boy called Mitchell (no surnames for privacy) who falls under the "populars" category. Now, All I know so far about Mitchell, is that he is a pretty cool guy, he's funny, a bit of a rebel, and he is pretty smart.
Which is all i know for a few months, untill I end up sharing a P.E changing room, where i notice that he is, And if you'll excuse the common term, Excruciatingly Hot! and i dont just mean normal hot guy hot, i mean, More muscled than most guys my age, nice skin, the lot, And I only notice because i overhear one of the "populars" talking to him, saying "Mitch, Seriously, Your Ripped man!" and he acts modestly, and doesnt agree, but of course, I look over and notice that he really Is.
okay, so all I know so far, is he is Hot, he's clever, and he is funny.
And, Okay, I dont feel much for him yet, but y'know, ive got this sort of "I Would" thing i my head, as most people do with people they find attractive.
But over the course of the year, i get to know him indirectly, never actually speaking to him properly, but i gradually learn more about his personality, things about him, hear people saying things about him, and its all stuff that i look for in a guy. and so, at this point, I develop a crush on this boy.
of course, i dont tell him, i havent told anyone I'm Bi for a start, so thats off the checklist.
this is pretty much how it goes up untill the next year, 2008
September 2008 - July 2009
at this point, I have had girlfriends, but none of them ever matched up to what i wanted from Mitchell. as far as it goes here for this year, nothing really happens if i'm honest. plenty of gazing, and wishing, and my feelings for him grow, but not much past the crush still. I'm still "In The Closet" if you will.
Me and Mitchell still arent talking, not out of hate or dislike, but purely because w ehave no need to.
and thats how it is for the year, i almost forget about him untill around the end of the school year, June, where I share a class with him again, as my timetable is changed, where i am reminded how much i liked him.
September 2009 - July 2010
This is where my troubles begin to set in. around the end term of the year, which is probably at around May by this time, i am only sharing maths class with Mitchell (the timetable change) but my feelings have just gone overboard, I full on want to be his boyfriend. Cross country comes along, And after we have been running around, (I shoudl take this opportunity to tell you that i am not an attractive guy, or conventionally at least, im pretty overweight*, and so thats an instant dismissal to most people) And around this time im around 14, and so is he, And this is where puberty sets in, meaning quick muscle growth. I return fro cross country to find Mitchell is sitting with his top off, and i am suddenly blown away by him. Which then makes me think of everything else about him i love, his personality is brilliant, i ahve recently discovered that he is nto as chavvy as i thought, he is friendly, clever, everyone lieks him, even people from the "regulars" seem to think he is a good guy, and he is my perfect guy.
but, my feelings are truly hammered in when i tellt he first person i am Bi, my best friend Vikki. I talk to her about Mitchell a lot, telling her everything i love about him, and stuff, and then she asks me, as a random, off the wall remark because we were joking about people we liked, she says "At Least I dont Love Mitchell (surname)!" which is when my face drops, and i feel my face burn. I had never thought about it like that, but i realised that I thought i was in love with him, and although it was impossible, I barely knew him, It seemed right.
of course, at first, Vikki was saying i'd get over him, it's a phase im going through.
but it isnt, He ends up playing on my mind a LOT, and often i am reduced to tears by it (pathetic I know) and Vikki, one day, catches me crying, and after i explain why, she starts to agree that maybe i am in love with this boy.
so it stays liek this for a while, through the summer, and into year eleven, where we are now. And the trouble REALLY Begins.
*See Attatched Picture of Me :D
September 2010 - Present
By Now, i have told many people I am Bisexual. i'm "out" and i'm in a class with a lot of the "populars" and i become friends with some of them. and one of them is extremely good friends with Mitchell. we get talking, and she tells me how amazing he is, and that several other bisexual people have liked him before.
which, for some unknown reason, crushes me.
unknown untill i realise that if so many bisexual people have liked him already, and they were his friends, and he hasnt said yes to either of them, what chance do i have with him?
so for about a month, i spiral into a more depressed state of mind, but i perk up again after a while, and begin tlaking to other people about it, friends i can trust, who all give me excellent advice, which laste dup untill about two months ago.
which was when the wrong person found Out that i liked Mitchell, and told him.
this was not what i wanted at all. if he knew, i knew that he would hate me, i didnt know why, i just knew he would,
im even mroe crushed. He knows, and turns out he had already guessed. Guess i shoulda kept it hidden better. I decide that the best move is to ignore him for a while, dont let him know i know that he knows.
so, we're in class one day, (meaning a few days after i discover he knows) and i raise my head to look at the board, when i notice someone looking at me.
Mitchell.
and He's Glaring at me.
of course, i've welled up, and had to blink away tears, which is when i notice a couple fo the more "Bitchy girls" looking at me too, and i realise that htey also know.
and so, after lesson, i can hear them whispering "Oh my god! did you hear? Tom Fancys Mitchell!!"
so one of them turns to me and asks if it's true
in a panic, I ignore them, and walk quickly away into my next lesson, forgetting she was in it, and when she follws behind me, she looks at me with a face torn between "i'm sorry," and "gossip!!"
which leads us up to now. I'm still avoiding Mitchell, but i cant help it, if i hear his voice in class, or if i see him catch my eye for a split second, I feel this, strange, sinking feelign int he bottom of my chest, and it hurts, like a physical pain, which then changes to shaking, like im running off adrenaline, then fades. A while ago i felt the pain so badly i almost passed out, becaus ei couldnt controll my breathing, or my shaking legs.
So,after that long winded story, I want advice/answers/opinions on a few things:
ONE:What is it? Is it Love? a Crush? What could last this long, which can be affecting me so much, even though i barely know the guy as a friend
TWO: What do i do to cope?
THREE: What is the sinking feeling i have?
Any Further Details will be happily Provided
Thank you.
Tom -x-