sitting all alone inside your head...

[bambino]

so i hadnt cut for approx 4 months, I'd only been tempted a few times. I said to myself: I'm scared to do that again, its not me.

Now here I am, I've done it again ..and I cant muster the energy to regret it. Its my coping mechanism, and no, its not great. But its no worse than drinking myself to death every night? No worse than smoking drugs...right?

I used to care about disappointing my family, but I can't care anymore. I can't because I never know if I'll be able to stop. Why do I have to pray for happiness? Why do I have to worry each day if something is going to trigger another episode of depression? or cutting?
It's not fair, I'm constantly in this limbo between feeling positive and motivated ..to feeling like a waste of space, worthless nothing.


please someone talk to me, I feel such a failure

[FullyAlive]

You aren't a failure. Everyone slips up. And 4 months is actually amazing. You should be so proud.

You're right it probably isn't worse than drinking or drugs, but let's face it that doesn't make it good, it makes them just as bad. And self harm not only is a bad addiction but all the things which come hand in hand make it worse. All the lying and secrecy, the scars you don't want that all again do you?

I don't know why you or anyone else has to pray for happiness and can't just have it like so many others do. But you and everyone else has to keep on trying and hopefully one day we will all get there together, all happy without worrying about abything stopping it.

And most importantly remember you are NOT a failure.

If you need someone to talk to you can talk to me, VM me if you want. :hug:

[MattVon]

I don't think you or anyone for that matter are a failure. People just get depressed with their life for whatever reasons they may have, but I don't think anyone should resort to anything that will harm them in anyway. It's hard not to be blunt on this matter and I don't want to seem like an arse for this, but there are people in this world much worse of then what we are, and some of us take that for granted. Again, apologise if that seems a bit arsey of me I just think everyone needs a response that they may not like, but will open their eyes.

As for yourself, I think what's best for you is to pick yourself up stop praying and do something, it doesn't matter if it's just reading, or whatever just do something that occupies you and stops your mind thinking. I've never been a self harmer, and I wouldn't want to be for many reasons, but for one the scars? Honestly, not worth them. The only scars I get and are proud to get is when I play with my cat and she attacks my hand. Fun times.

Most of all, you are not a waste of space. I think the only people who are a waste of people are the ones who harm others. You're just someone who wants something to do and feel important no doubt.

Either way, myself and many others on this forum are willing to talk with you, for whatever reason it may be, just don't think you're alone and pathetic.

[bambino]

@MattVon
you don't sound arsey, I understand there are people so much worse off. I try and remind myself to be grateful for what I have. But when you get into that ...certain mindset, its difficult. In the 'self harming mindset' its not as if youre reproachful for what you have or dissatisified with it- its more that you feel you don't deserve it? You feel you're not good enough, like you don't deserve all the good things and you can only focus on the bad..and that manifests itself in cutting etc.

Now I don't want to sound arsey and I appreciate your contribution but if you've never been a self harmer you might find it difficult to relate? But I've explained myself as best I could.

@Louise205
thank you for your post, it made me feel a bit better (:

[MattVon]

I can totally understand what you're saying and I think the best thing to defeat it is occupy yourself. What better thing to do then to do something that's time consuming and can distract your thinking process. Heh, no arsey comments in this thread that's for sure. I've never have nor ever will be a self harmer, but I always do my best to give help to people who do it, I just have my own way about it.

[HandheldOutlaw]

First of all, four months is incredible, and I wish I could go that long. Well done. (:
I know it's hard, and you lose faith, but remember that the instantaneous feeling after you cut is nothing like the long term satisfaction you get when you've conquered it.
I know what it feels like to be there, to be just..hovering in between. Remember though, when you feel down, tell yourself of how worthy you are of happiness. What really helps me a lot of the time (at least for a little while) is to create a box. Make it pretty and well decorated. It eats up quite a lot of time, and it's productive. It gets your mind off of cutting for a while. Then, when you are finished creating it, slit the top large enough to fit pieces of paper in. On each of your good days, write down something that made you feel good, be it something that someone said, or did. It could be that you accomplished something, like completing an assignment that you thought was difficult. Put them into the box, and when you're feeling down, draw a few out to remember positive things.
It gave me a little strength to keep going when things got really tough.
Hope this helps!
x
Lauren

[MazMazMaz]

Four months is fantastic! Especially if it was like a regular ritual for you. It sounds like you've been working well towards a recovery, and everyone has problems and breakdowns along the way. I promise you, everything you're going through has been gone through by a lot of other people before, and some of them will always be here to help and understand you.

Do you write a regular diary or blog? I used to have depression and anxiety, and writing my thoughts down really helped. It also helped me work out my goals and aims for getting through it, which was a good motivator.

Is there a regular hobby you like doing or can start doing? Because something to exercise your mind or body could be really good for you if you feel like you're always sitting alone and afraid of your feelings.

I think the box idea posted above is a really good one, and I have a similar one that I liked doing; I used to call it my Reasons Life Is Great List. Basically, it was a list of all the things you like or done in your life that you love. Like, literally, it could be anything; a good time you had with a friend, a holiday, a favorite piece of music, when you got through something difficult, a favorite film, a piece of food... it tends to get a bit random after a while, but it's fun to think of and nice to have around when you're feeling down. Seriously, if you have a reminder of the positive things and remember why you're trying to get through this, it can really help.

You are so not a failure. You've done great to get this far, and remember that it's very common for people to have relapses and difficulties along the way. But you will have better days, you will have times when you feel happy and be able to get through this, I promise.

[bambino]

@mattvon
haha appreciated! thank you (:


@handheldoutlaw
I think thats a really good idea! I will try that thank you. I already keep a list of positive things, but the making of the box would be time consuming and distracting.

@mazmazmaz

thank you for the support (: yes it was regular before. I have recently started a blog! the list is a great idea too. Umm hobbys include my college work, and a lot of it haha! But I do enjoy art and photography.

Thanks so much all of you! :wub: