I'm really, really confused.

[MazMazMaz]

Hi,

Sorry if I'm not doing this right or anything. This is my first time here.

I had social anxiety a year ago, and I think that's where it started. I remember getting home from school and for some reason, just thinking cutting myself was a really good idea. It was my first time. I made seven pretty deep cuts in my arm, and then got so ashamed that I ran into my room and didn't tell anyone. For the next few months, I freaked out whenever I saw a scalpel or a razor. I cried all the time, at the most random things. I isolated myself from everyone. Sometimes there were people I could talk to; a new girl at my school explained to me that she was bipolar, and that she would understand anything that was troubling me in that way. But I was still too scared to tell her about the cutting.

The thing was, I felt really embarrassed. I thought I was only doing it for attention. I hated myself so much for it, and that made me want to cut even more.

It's all coming back now. I cut for the first time in ages a couple of weeks ago - around my hips so no-one would see - and yesterday I kept scratching into my arm with a compass when I was doing my maths homework. I'm certain that everyone at school's always talking about me and hates me. I'm too embarrassed to tell my parents. I don't have anyone to talk to; I've really drifted apart from the girl with bipolar. I don't think I have any friends. I just want everything to go away and leave me alone. I'm so angry all the time, and when I'm not angry, I'm crying. I really want to cut right now, but I have an English paper due tomorrow that I'm going to have to pull an all-nighter on, and I feel if I cut, I just won't be able to write it.

I'm so scared. Every now and then, when I'm feeling okay, it suddenly creeps up on me and pulls me down. And I'm really ashamed of it all.

Please, I just really need someone to talk to. I'm really scared, I'm really confused, and I think this is going to go on for a while, which is really freaking me out.

Thanks.

[Ambrosia]

Take some deep breaths and try and smile. It's okay, and I know this only because sooo many of us have been through that. You're still so young and your body is all wishy-washy with emotions that end up bitch slapping (Pardon my french) you sometimes. If it's any consolation, I remember the first time I ever cut. I hadn't done anything deep and it was only a few inch long cuts on the top of my arms. I cried and cried for a good hour afterwards. I hated myself, I thought I was a freak, and I began to isolate myself from people. When you hurt yourself it's like your letting out all the pain you have been bottling up and the fact is, it's bad for you. It might feel like a good idea at the time but it always comes back to haunt you, whether it be when someone finds out or when you look down and see some nasty scars years from now. You KNOW it's not good to hurt yourself, I can see that. You haven't been doing it regularly, and you don't see it as an okay thing. So you need to take that knowledge and lock it in the front of your brain. Slap it down, hot glue it to your eyeballs, and don't let go of it. When you see something sharp, remember how you feel after you cut. The pain, both mentally and physically, how it's not worth it. Take deep breaths and think of something good. Try and remember something that makes you happy or something that has given you good feelings. Cutting is like a very thin bandaid. It helps for a second but eventually it peals off and you're left raw and sad.

You say you're drifiting away from that girl? Well you already know the solution to that problem! It may not sound easy but you have to re-establish that connection. Go tell her what's bothering you, chances are she can help support you. You don't nessecarily have to tell her you've cut yourself before but you can tell her how all these feelings have been taking over your life lately. Sometimes sharing things like that with a good friend can make you feel a million times better and lift a thousand pound weight off your shoulders. You shouldn't let good friends drift away from you on your own.

If the cutting problem gets worse, I recommend telling your parents. You don't want to scar up your pretty skin and risk your life for five seconds of nothing. They should listen (I hope) and help you (Still hoping).

Good luck, and I'm always here to talk to you! =)