when will this all end?

[samanthaclaire]

Hello. I'm really new to all this, but i need help -off somebody that might actually understand me! ive been to the doctors and had numerous councilors! when i was 13 i started self harming, i was really down and got classed as "clinically depressed" i got over this, but now since new year ive been having serious problems with my new boyfriend! im finding it hard to trust him and let him in. im incredibly insecure, because of past relationships where they have turned violent. i have started cutting myself again, i keep dreaming of dying but every time i pick up a knife and place it on my veins i go numb but i cant slit. i love my boyfriend but im jealous of his life! he has friends and hobbies etc but i have nothing, i have no friends and all i do is stay at home every day! i find myself crying to fill in time, walking around the house pointlessly, lying in bed all day, sometimes i comfort eat, other days i dont eat a thing! when i am with my boyfriend i am the happiest girl alive, but the second we are apart my life turns and i just want sombody to take me away! we live about 40 miles apart and somtime go about 2 weeks without seeing each other apart from skype! can anybody help me? i dont want to cut myself but everytime things get hard i harm myself to let out the pain......

[1_21Guns]

Hun, cutting isn't going to get you away from that pain, sure, for 5 minutes maybe, but all it's really doing is giving you a scar to remind you of it.
You've been through a lot, try talking to him about it, I know it's hard to try and explain what's happened and how it's now making you feel, but that is the best thing you can do.
You don't need to be jealous of his life, you just need to pick yourself up and go find something you enjoy, something that makes you happy, something else to take you away from it all, writing, sports, reading, absolutely anything that doesn't harm you.
You don't want to die sweetie, we both know that. It'll get easier, you just need to explain how you're feeling, maybe consider seeing someone again if that's what you feel like you need, but please don't cut, it won't help anything :hug3:

[samanthaclaire]

Hello Natalie!
when i feel down i dont feel anything, i just want to feel somthing again, thats why i cut, cause it then takes the pain away and makes me feel alive again.. its so hard to stop! i have so many scars that i try to hide, but every one of them has a story (all bad)!! i keep trying to find somthing i enjoy but everytime i find somthing i feel like i shouldnt be doing it. everything just feels wrong. everybody ive seen seems to make me feel worse, i feel like all councilors do is patronize you! your right i dont want to die, but when im down i just want sombody to take me away from it all! im scared to go through everything all over again! thankyou for your post (hug)

[1_21Guns]

why do you feel like you shouldn't be doing it? is it that you dont feel like you deserve to be doing it? or something else?
also cutting won't make you feel alive in the end, it'll just leave you feeling dead, you don't need it hun :hug3:

[moon_lit_angel]

hey sam,
hope u dont mind me shortning your name.
i know exactly how you feel except me and my boyfriend(well dunno atm) are together den we're not, its really hard. we live over 100km apart.. 2 and a half hours drive! we see each other every 2 or 3 weeks and thats it.. we talk on d phone...

so if u need to talk just mail me x

[samanthaclaire]

Natalie, thats exactly how it is -i dont feel like i deserve it, i feel out of place and wrong! your also right about the part of feeling dead! its numbs for a while but then i feel so disappointed in myself and simply dead!



Hello Sandra!! thanks for posting. yes it is okay shortening my name :D i understand the way you feel completely, do you put your everything into the relationship and still feel asif its worthless and pointless? if youd prefer to talk over mail just say!

[1_21Guns]

Natalie, thats exactly how it is -i dont feel like i deserve it, i feel out of place and wrong! your also right about the part of feeling dead! its numbs for a while but then i feel so disappointed in myself and simply dead!

See hun, that's what cutting does to you, numbs you to the core, convinces you it's helping you, letting you feel something, but it's not.
You do deserve to be happy and enjoy things, once you overcome that feeling things get so much better, no matter what anyone tells you, or has told you in the past, you always deserve to be happy, always :hug3:

[samanthaclaire]

i hope i can actually let myself enjoy my life, start living like a normal 17/18 year old would. somtimes the depression just takes over your whole life! you've been such a great help! and i hope you dont mind when i feel down again if i turn to you, i feel like ive known you my whole life haha! (hug)

[1_21Guns]

my PM box is always open sweetie :)

[samanthaclaire]

i think i have added you as a friend on here also. but as im new i have no idea how to use it ha! x