War Between Heart and Mind

[Syvelocin]

I've got a tough one for you VT. I hope you will overlook the size of this post to give me a little help. I've briefly touched on this elsewhere on the forums, but I wanted to ask here, officially, in detail.

I have come to the realization that I am indeed gay. Not 100%, but close to it. I find few guys attractive, and when I do find them attractive, nine times out of ten it's because of their personality. I also have no sexual attraction to guys whatsoever.

So okay, little girl was stupid. Little girl made a mistake. inb4 I told you so.

Regrettably, I have a little issue with faithfulness. Cheating, when it's not in an open relationship, is against my morals. So no, I don't. But I've tended to go through guys quite quickly in the past. Commitment doesn't come easily for me.

I'm not a marriage person, and neither is my husband. But why he did propose, was for that reason. He wanted confirmation. What the fuck do you say to that? I'm sure you could come up with something that I didn't.

I've been with him almost two and a half years. But we only got married in January.

Before I get any further, I do love him. And he's been perfectly accepting about my lack of physical and sexual attraction to men, and even accepting that I am attracted to females. Not much wrong in the actual relationship, yes?

Well, you'd think, it was just a matter of time.

I met someone when I moved here. She's been a good friend of mine over the last year. And overall, she's the most beautiful person I've ever met. She is a pretty face, but I mean that who she is, is gorgeous. Of course, everything I would have ever dreamed of in a partner, all in one person. Oh, and did I mention that she's not straight?

I'm. In. A. Mess.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. But essentially, this is a war between my heart and my mind. What I think I should do, and what I feel I should do. And I'm expecting you to say, "Follow your heart." Doesn't that one come with the most consequences though? There are pros and cons either way.

I'm not usually a person with regrets. I like to forget about things. Right now, though, I can't stop regretting. And most of all, I'm quite disgusted with myself honestly.

[Kaius]

Well Rith.. I think the only thing you can do at the moment is have a good long think about it. We can't tell you what the best solution is and especially if you don't know in yourself what you want its really difficult for a decision to be made anytime soon. It may be a good idea to talk to this friend and your husband (Seperately of course), maybe write a pros and cons list? The thing you need to work out is where you're going to be happiest. I mean, with your husband, if you're having feelings for someone else maybe its telling you something. Telling you to follow your heart is a bit of a hard thing to do at the moment because your heart seems to be in two places. Following your mind however i think is a better solution, just make sure you think it through fully before you make a decision.

[Spook]

It seems like your mind is with your husband, and your heart is with the girl. You're in a hard situation right now, and I don't really know what to tell you.

I guess I would have to agree with Aaron. Think about it long and hard, sort your priorities, what you're going to tell your husband, if the girl likes you in the same way, all of the details. It's going to be very hard, but I know you'll make the right choice.

Good luck and best wishes, Caitlin

[anonymous53]

Talk to your husband about it. Plenty of people work out those types of relationships.

[Syvelocin]

Pros:
-Been with him for a while, longest I've been in a relationship
-Committed to me
-Strong emotional bond
-Mutual understanding
-Easy to be with

Cons:
-Regret. What "could have been."
-A guy. Only emotional.
-Wants to be a father, desire to be a family man, while I'm all about the relationship and I completely hate kids.
-Been told by a couple people that he's not a healthy choice for me.

------------------

Pros:
-A girl.
-The most gorgeous person I've ever met.
-Personality, different enough to be interesting but share traits that make it easier.
-Similarities. Sharing experiences and empathy
-Healthy person, supportive crutch
-Passion
-Similar lifestyles and beliefs.

Cons:
-Hassle and troublesome to break it to Jay, his feelings, divorce
-What if it's a phase? Regret.


I still don't know. *sigh*

Seems that the jury thinks I should talk to them. I guess I'll do that. I'm not too keen on it right now though, but I might have to put that on the agenda for this weekend.

[anonymous53]

Syv, it really depends on your husband. You might not even have to lose him. You never know.

[Syvelocin]

Hmm? You mean like an open relationship? It's really one or the other, I'm not too much into open relationships. Just one person to spend the rest of my life with... it sounds simpler than it is.

[anonymous53]

I am a little bit confused, but I think I know what you mean. It truely is a bad situation you're in, but if you don't go with her there will be regrets. If you stay with him there will be regrets. Look at your pros and cons and choose whichever you believe is safer.

[Syvelocin]

I really don't know which to choose. And yeah, I know that if I don't know, then who would? But I'm just kind of desperate at this point.

[anonymous53]

Well, in general...going after your heart is what is best for yourself. If she is what you want, go for her :)

[Nevermore]

Rith I say follow your heart, this is your happiness, and it has to do with you. Don't think about other people in this situation. Rith do what's best for you. Either way your going to have some regret in the end. Either way will cause some hurt for you. However which will be the better outcome for you in the end? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him and not be happy? Talk to him about it. If you want. But in the end Rith, it's your life, your choice, the ball is in your court. No one else should impact your choices in your life. Rith good luck, I know this is extremely hard going through.

[Sogeking]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him and not be happy?

I'm pretty sure she didn't say she doesn't feel happy with him.

[bambino]

I'm going to tell you something really wise I once read and I hope it helps:


If you love two people, go with the second. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen in love with anyone else.

[Syvelocin]

I've never thought of it like that. Thanks.

I talked to him, as much as I regret it, and what we're going to do is that I'm going to sort of casually date her, see what the relationship could be like, before making any harsh decisions. I'm kind of anxious about this though, in pretty much every way you could imagine.

[Love.Hate]

I think doing it like that is sensible. At the end of the day it's all about your happiness, like most things whatever choice you make, there will always be a hint of regret. But if you never try you will never know. I wish you the best of luck Rith, I hope things turn out well. :)