There's something severely wrong with me

[Nevermore]

So as everyone knows I'm free from leukmia and diabetsis. I'm getting an EKG done soon. However I know there's something seriously wrong with me, I just have this feeling that I'm going to die, and there's nothing anyone can do. Perhaps maybe because I want something wrong, because I don't really want to be here anymore. I feel physically miserable. I just want to cry. I can't take this anymore the physcial and mental pain. I'm just done. I'm terrified and at peace. I'm just one mass contradiction of a person. I just don't even make sense. I need help. I feel like putting my hands up right now and screaming I give up. Letting them take me away to a white padded room where I can die perhaps in peace. I'm sick of hearing the voices in my head. There's not just one I'm hearing. There's a child, a boy, a girly girl, a moralist christian, a rebel, a tomboy and me. Me who has to listen to them all and have them control my body at some point!! And it's frustrating. I hate it. I have my alter and then these small others who chime in at random short times. We are the main two the others and just small others. Perhaps we created them because we were lonely, who knows? :( They just frustrate me.

[Syvelocin]

If it helps at all, my current psychologist, she's this amazing woman who found out more about me than anyone else has. She has come up with her hypothesis, that I split off because I needed a coping mechanism, a security blanket, to try to build the foundation I was supposed to get from a secure, loving environment as I grew up, but didn't. I gave myself someone to loose myself in, someone I admired. Someone with parents who were there, someone who was happy, someone with a different past. That was my way of fixing the damage and suppressing the memories. Maybe it's not just because you're lonely? I think it sure helps with that loneliness, but when you realize, at the end of the day, they're all you have... it feels even lonelier than it did at the start?

Maybe that's just me?

Just hang in there. I need you, to hang in there. You've got this spirit, that I'd hate to see die. :hug: I hope you feel better.

[Nevermore]

You're right, it could be because of that. Never looked at it that way. My boyfriend and I were discussing my different personailities, and he said I probably split because I'm lonely. I should try and ask my psycologist to help me more with it, problem is we're focusing on so much already. It does still feel lonely, and annoying. I hate it when they have to voice their opinion. For example if I kiss my boyfriend the moralist, or and the Christian will say no, stop! Don't do that, what are you doing?! You'll get pregnant!!! STOP!! (They are supper paraniod, and are ignorant about kissing and the fact you can't get pregnant from a damn kiss. Most of the time though I am alone, so are the "others." We don't always get to hear each other, only at certain times, where I'm numb and feel dissociated from my body can they voice their opinion. When we switch I don't usually remeber anything with them, only a small bit when we first switch but it's like I'm nto there but watching someone else be me, it's very hard to describe.
Thank you Rith. <3 I'm trying. :)