Reality

[Syvelocin]

I don't know. The first day was easy. For me, it only gets harder. The first day, a cinch, next day, only slightly harder, not much. The cycle continues like that. It gets too hard, I cave, then I go back to saying that "This time it's different, I'll do it this time." Never happens.

Sometimes I don't even know why I try, because I only want it half the time. Part of me wants to be a mad girl, filled with these psychiatric issues. It's my niche, I've never fit in anywhere else, I'm not a prep, nerd, goth. I settled for being one of those "in-between" kids for a while, until I first went to the hospital and realized, I'm just a nut. The other part of me fights on the topic that, "This isn't healthy for you, and this isn't where you want to be in two years."

132 days is fuck all. That number doesn't mean anything. December 2nd, screw it, that date will probably change to this week. I think I'll crack before my birthday, most definitely.

Two years is my goal. My deadline. A deadline that is procrastinated every time I hit it. It was sixteen, then eighteen, now it's twenty-one. Each deadline is the deadline when I will bloom, when I will emerge from my cocoon and be the person who I want to be, somewhere deep inside. She's a girl at a normal weight, doing what her heart tells her to do, cut-free, charismatic. I'm starting to think I'm going to die before that happens. I'm going to die unhappy. Ugly, and still convincing herself that she is, in fact, panromantic asexual because she doesn't want to face the reality of what comes next, unhappy, lost.

Reality is a bitch.

[Nevermore]

You can do it Rith. Stop the cycle. I know a lot easier said then done, but you can stop the cycle. You are Rith you are not a psychotic person. You try because you subconsciously want to stop. You are definatly not a nut. Aww hun try and keep going, look how far you got!! That's truely amazing!!! I really wish I could do that. <3 You're an inspiration. You will not die unhappy, you will overcome everything. And you are so far from ugly. You are the prettiest person I have ever seen, EVER!!! And I'm secretly jealous of you : 3. I'll use this phrase to describe what I'm thinking. You reap what you sow. You can choose to be unhappy and let this kill you, or you can take control and end everything. If you focus on I'm going to fail my math test, you will fail your math test. Idk I was hoping that helps, not really understanding it myself now rereading it. Oh wellz. Maybe you'll find something out of my madness. Try focusing on the positive things in your life, the good things that are happening around you. That will help you. <3 I'm here for you Rith. You're an amazing, wonderful person and I know you can get through this.

[Syvelocin]

Thanks :) I don't think anything is exactly fixed, but that sure made me feel better, Sammy ^_^

[Revolution]

Sometimes I don't even know why I try, because I only want it half the time. Part of me wants to be a mad girl, filled with these psychiatric issues. It's my niche, I've never fit in anywhere else, I'm not a prep, nerd, goth. I settled for being one of those "in-between" kids for a while, until I first went to the hospital and realized, I'm just a nut. The other part of me fights on the topic that, "This isn't healthy for you, and this isn't where you want to be in two years."

I wouldn't worry about labels; infact i detest them. Who has the right to consider whats normal and who gets put in which catagory. You are unique just like every single person alive, people will love you for being yourself and that's how it should be.

Ugly, and still convincing herself that she is, in fact, panromantic asexual because she doesn't want to face the reality of what comes next, unhappy, lost.

Strange you mention asexual, i have been doing the exact same. I guess after you've been through hard-times, you build up a defence and start to become numb to things you hadn't even contemplated...

[Syvelocin]

I agree with you. I just didn't have a group, you know. It's a bit depressing. Everyone is in a group these days. Whether they have an actual label or not. And the only place I feel like I belong, is with self-harmers, manic depressive kids, psychotics.

Well, I don't find guys sexually attractive at all :/ I've found one or two guys physically attractive. But I've only ever been emotionally attracted to the guys I've dated. I kind of assumed I was asexual. I do have a lower.. er.. drive than most, but I'm finding it's not the asexuality, it's just that I had no desire to do it with a guy at all. But I don't know how that would have played out if I hadn't been through the shit my past. I'm pretty sure the trust issues and no desire for intimacy with the opposite gender is due to that.

Now that I've finally admitted to myself I am lesbian (and haven't made a post about that one yet.. I just kind of decided last night. Decided that's what I'd be called at least) I kind of know what comes next, but I'm too scared of that. Normally, you'd think, "You're lesbian, that's all. It's just sexuality, what's the big deal?" I'm married, four months.

And knowing how I am, I'm going to not think of myself and avoid confronting the situation, always wondering what could have happened.

[Revolution]

Are you romantically (not sexually) involved with your husband? I just ask because if you have sexual urges towards woman, you could always suggest sexual activities that would involve another woman. Ofcourse this is all down to how comfortable you are with things like this.

It's a hard situation you have, i don't think anyone would doubt that. When it comes down to marriage and realising your true sexualilty; i don't think anyone has an answer. All i can say is try not to stress yourself out over it, any path you choose will be a a rough journey and there is no point beating yourself up about it until you make that choice.

[Syvelocin]

Yeah, I am romantically involved with him.

It's not quite sexual urges (and I'm really not into threesomes though, but thanks) but just desire to be with a woman. I've always been a very emotional person, the emotional side of relationships has always taken priority. I have a friend of mine, who I have the most insane crush on. I've never felt like that. It's just everything about her. Sure, her looks come into play. But her personality makes her the most beautiful person I've ever met. And for once, the girl isn't straight.

At this point, I just really don't know what to do. I know, why would that mean that someone on an Internet forum would know?

I'm not a marriage person. Neither was he. But after two years, he... wanted confirmation that this was going to happen because... well, I don't exactly have much of a history in staying with guys. Not cheating on them, but I just stray easily. I always think, every time, it'll be different this time. I'm proven time and time again that I'm wrong.