Telling makes things worse?

[purplehaze]

Hi all,
I'm a new member on these forums and I just had a question to make sure that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way (hopefully I'm not!). I had stopped cutting for a year...(turned to drinking and smoking, not something I'm proud of but it wasn't cutting so *shrug*) Recently, I've stopped drinking and smoking and like I feel like everything just caught up to me, and I just can;t stop thinking about all the things that get me down. Normally when I get the feeling to cut I would just go smoke but since I stopped, I just couldn't resist the urge and I caved in. Now I'm back to cutting, and I figured the best way to stop was to tell someone, that way like I could be somewhat guilted into stopping since I had them asking all types of questions and stuff. Well that plan blew up in my face, it seems the more I talk about it, the more ashamed of it I get and like the talking gives me a just empty feeling. The empty feeling is so... I don't even know the word....its just kind of suffocating which then causes me to want to (and most of the time do) cut again, so that I could get rid of the emptiness. Anyone else get an empty feeling after talking to someone about their problems or anything? Or am i just weird? Anyone have any other helpful suggestions so that I can try and stop while I'm ahead?
Sorry for the long spill but any help or advice would be helpful. Thanks everyone

[Prinzessin_der_Nacht]

i understand that emptiness...when i first told, the emptiness was almost unbearable...I felt like i lost a part of myself...then everytime i talked about it after, i felt it again and again...

[Revolution]

That emptiness; it's the one thing i want gone more than cutting, more than anything!

I made a thread here : http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=99747 which kinda explains how i am at the moment..

I don't FEEL anything in terms of sadness, joy, etc. The closest thing i get to feeling is just.. pain and suffocation..

I wish i had an answer to this.. but i'm still searching myself..

[Syvelocin]

At the time, it might feel like that. I understand that. I've had that feeling when the conversation was... one-sided. I always feel better about it when I talk to someone and they give me reassurance or sympathy, because it gives me the feeling that I'm not alone like I thought I was.

Honestly though, even if it doesn't seem like it, talking about it is one of the best strategies of overcoming it. It is so much easier to recover when you are kept to just this secret that nobody knows, and you are left alone to deal and figure out how to get better all by yourself, with no support system.

If it counts for anything, I can definitely relate to your situation, in that you seem to do the same thing I do: replacing the bad habit with another bad habit. I wasn't cutting when I was doing drugs. And I find that smoking helps a lot with the urges, but it just reinforces that other bad habit you'll have to deal with eventually. In that area, you just have to take it piece by piece. I personally have a lot on my plate I'll have to deal with sooner or later. But I can't start eating normally, stop self-harming, stop smoking, all at once, because it just doesn't work. Bear the smoking for a while, and get fully off of self-harm, comfortably and completely, replace it with a "good" habit. I find exercise is a helpful one, taking a walk or something when you feel the urge come on. It's good for you mentally, and you'll release endorphins just like you do when you self-harm. Then tackle the smoking, and repeat, replacing that with chewing gum or something. I don't think you can ever rid yourself of all habits, but the key is replacing them with something that's not as harmful.

[purplehaze]

Thank you, I'm glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way!..I guess it's not something to really be happy about but it is reassuring.
@Syvelocin: your absolutely right about taking it slowly and replacing things. I'm going to try and work on that and try the exercising part also.
I'm glad I told the person that I did now, except I feel as though it kind of adds pressure to the whole thing. Like he gets all upset if he notices a new cut and frustrated which makes me feel bad. then he feels bad. then i just feel ashamed and really tempted to do it all again. ..this is harder than I thought..should have been stronger and should have never started again.

[Syvelocin]

I understand what you mean. I get that all the time. I have a lot of close people in my life who do know about my issues, and it's great to have that support, but like you said, it's almost even scarier for them to find out that I relapsed or something, because they do get a bit disappointed with me. You just have to let them know that you are trying, and you need their support more than anything, and seeing them disappointed like that doesn't help.

We could always go on about our regrets, what we should have done. But I'm sure you know, that doesn't do us any good. We are still strong, regardless. And we just have to take it as a learning experience. Next time, I won't give in as easily. So what, I relapsed? I'm just going to try again, and again, until I succeed, because I'm better than this.

[Fiction]

After my parents found out about it, I just felt horrible, guilty. I couldn't deal with all the questions they wanted to know the answers too. I found it impossible to open up to them about it at all. In the end I had to make them agree not to mention it anymore, which they don't. Although are you in any form of professional help? I find it much easier to open up to them without the fear of hurting them.

[purplehaze]

@fiction: I know what you mean about feeling guilty. and no im not in professional help.. i accidently told my roomate and another of our friend so they decided to do a little "intervention" talk today. They kept telling me to go talk to someone..i told them that i will think on it. We have free counseling on campus here so i might (no promises) go talk to someone this week, even though im scared sh**less of talking to a professional.

[Fiction]

I would definatly reccomend it. It can't exactly do any harm, and it may take some of the pressure of your friends if they know that someone is there to help you, if you see what I mean.