I feel like hurling myself off of a building.

[schrei jess]

Or something equally as drastic. It isnt that I want to die really, I just cant stand having the problems that I have. They just wont fucking leave. Id like to work it out, get my depression cured, stop cutting, but whenever I try to talk about it to my therapist, I lock up. I get so irritated and I just stop talking. I dont know how to live with out this. Even though three years isnt a big part of my life, I can barely remember my life without depression or cutting. Nothing seems to work, medication, therapy, nothing. Im tired of wasting money on pills that I cant even tell the difference between life with and without them except terrible withdrawl from not taking them. I cant find an escape, or an out anywhere. I know I should face these problems, but what can I do when nothing seems to work. Maybe Im just too far gone, too far in to be helped. I cant even go a few months without hurting myself, Im so pathetic. Weak. And I dont know why I keep coming here for help, when I know good and well that I cant be helped. Sorry, I guess I just like to vent.

[Glasgow]

You keep coming here and venting because you feel safe here, and you feel safe letting us know your feelings. Ive never really been to one on one therapy before, so I wouldnt know if it is bad or not. Drugs are stupid, they just mess with your mind, they dont really cure you. Therapy or self-commitment is the best way to cure depression. Try going out for a long walk, and talk to yourself, it really calms me down. I see you live in NC, North Carolina? Im pretty sure its warm out there, so it wouldnt be a problem going for a walk. Trust me, being away from the computer really helps me.

As for cutting/self-abuse...It's just a temporary solution, with annoying after affects. For example burning cuts, or sore bruises. Not really the best thing to do. If your scared of therapy, then commitment is your last option. You need to be commited/motivated to help yourself and overcome depression. Computer doenst help, though im not gonna be a hipocrite.

Anyways, just think about that walking thing.

Good luck

[schrei jess]

Walking seems like a good idea, but I dont trust myself to come back afterwards. I dont trust myself to make good desicions, safe ones. Im a very impulsive person, and if I ever saw a great oppurtunity to escape, Id probably take it without another thought. There is this three story building in my neighborhood, supposed to be for shops, havent put any in yet, if I went walking, Id go past that, and I dont trust myself to not just go in there, go to the top, and just leap. Ill think about it, and try it maybe after I figure out if I can go walking by myself and not do anything stupid.

[Bobby]

Go into a closet and scream. Let your anger out.

As for locking up infront of your therapist, replace her head with a computer screen, with VT open. Then just let everything out, just as you would her. You can only overcome your problems if you tell someone about them.

[schrei jess]

Ive never screamed before, maybe on a roller coaster but, Ive never really heard myself scream. I dont know what it is about it, but Ive always thought that I cant scream unless I really need to. Does that make any sense? Probably not, my thoughts are stupid sometimes.

And I think maybe why I cant trust my therapist is because I feel like I cant trust anyone with how I feel. Sure, I can tell complete strangers my deepest darkest secrets, but I cant tell my parents, my therapist, not my friends either. Only one of my friends really knows my problems and even then I dont think she can fully understand how far Ive gone. Another friend knows about them too but she understands even less than the other friend.

[Bobby]

You need to have trust in her. He/she isn't going to do anything bad. They are they to help.