To those that cut,
I just want to say right now I know exactly how you're feeling. I know what you go through. I know the pain. I know the sadness. I know the failing feeling. I know the worthlessness feeling. I know what it feels like to feel not loved. I know what it feels like to have nothing to be happy for and to feel nothing is left to live for. All of these feelings were not only part of my day, but what has been through my mind for many years. After attempting suicide 3 times all three failed miraculously I am still here. I have prevailed. I remember when i used to cut and that urge was so strong. So over powering. It controlled my life, my thoughts, my actions.
It strangled every little part of life that I had. I was isolated. I felt alone. Tired. Sick. Dumb. Fat. Worthless. A nobody. It was all a search for blood. To hack myself up and search for that feeling of love that part of me that felt missing. That part that I called a void.
I thought there was nothing I could do. No one that could save me. I thought I was different. I thought that i was going to be alone. Tired. Exhausted. Die a slow agonizingly painful death all alone and no one in the world mattered or cared. I kept all of this and my thoughts feelings and my cuts buried hidden and covered from everyone. I basically accepted my fate. The confusion of not knowing who I was inside or wondering if I was the only one who did this was also a downfall that made me sink further into a depression. After my third suicide attempt ( I will not go into detail) was hospitalized and put on medication. The medication made me feel like a drone. It made me feel like a guinea pig. This is when I found myself in counseling.... This is where I had made a turn around.
This counselor had been in counseling for 15 years. She had a lot of words that just seem to break my barriers. Words that made me feel good. Some of the words that have made me what I am today. She had once said in the beginning, "What makes you so miserable?" I said simply, "Everything" she replied, "Everything can be anything, don't be just anything, be Ronnie." I said, "I don't know who I am.." She said, "That is all something we can work on, one day at a time." That is something I will never forget. She helped me realize that I am not alone in this world. That there is always hope, there is always a helping hand. There is always going to be that ray of hope.
Never think that you have to live to die painfully, slowly, alone and miserable. That isn't your option. Never think that's the way out. It's not the escape. It's not the way to feel better. As I always say it's the temporary numbness that hides everything for that moment. Then brings everything back when that numbness goes away. Now with a scab and the same problems before you cut and more. There is always something or someone there to help. When you think that this is the end. Where you think this is it. It's not. I ended up being a peer counselor taking the things I learned from that therapist and using them in my everyday life and the way I counseled helping many that were in my situation or worse.
You always have a support system all you have to do is ask for it. Please take my story and remember there is always someone there to help. I know I always am here to help. I'm always there to be comforting. To be a friend. To be that helping hand. To say you're not alone. I was inspired and motivated to stop and I know you out there that do can to. All you need is a helping hand.
Author: Scarface (member since November 11th, 2009).