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Old November 30th, 2010, 07:22 PM   #1
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

*I'm unsure of all the rules of what I can post here, I spent ten minutes searching the site but couldn't find them, so if I say something I'm not supposed to, sorry.*

I'm 18 years old,
Female
Five foot four inches
and 118lbs

For years and years, I've been a chronic dieter. Gaining than losing it all than maintining.
It's endless.

But on Monday, I woke up and was just so set on not eating anymore. I'm not really sure how it happened, it just happened..
Monday I had about 500 calories all day.
Today I've had about 416 not to mention I worked out for fourty minutes. (Mainly weight lifting, some leg exercises all on machines, and ab exercises).

I feel really guilty for chewing & spitting a few things I was craving, I'm so afraid that the calories are seeping in, I considered trying to throw up but decided against it.

I obsesse over my weight, what I eat, and how many calories I consume.
I'm always asking my friend if how many calories I had eaten is 'ok'.

Originally, my calorie count for the day was only going to be 265 but I made two eggs when I got home which brought it up. I still feel guilty about that.

Is it the start of one? Why should it matter anyway? I'm trying to lose weight afterall. Goal weight is 103. My thinspiration would have to be on of my friends who's taller than me, but 103 even though she eats SO MUCH.


"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"

Last edited by BreatheHopeIntoMe; November 30th, 2010 at 08:07 PM.
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Old November 30th, 2010, 07:45 PM   #2
Syvelocin
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

It could definitely turn into that, yes.

You're at a fine weight. You don't need to lose any. That's actually even around the weight I'm striving to get to after I recover from anorexia.

You're not eating enough. Diets like that are not healthy at all. And at your height and age, you should not be at 103lbs. It's way too little. It would put you at underweight.

I know what it's like, I do. But try to at least get a thousand calories in, preferrably more. It doesn't have to turn into a eating disorder, you know.


And I'm sorry I didn't build your walls. And I'm sorry I had to go and fall.
And I'm sorry I had the whole thing wrong. Well, I guess I'm the sorriest of all.
And I'm sorry that you are feeling small. And I'm sorry that I'm not used to crawling.
And I'm sorry the writing's on the wall. Well, I guess I'm the sorriest of all.
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Old November 30th, 2010, 07:47 PM   #3
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

Mine happened suddenly aswell. It does matter because it's unhealthy and as i'm sure you know, horrible to live with. ED-NOS is a real eating disorder and just as serious as Anorexia or Bulimia and you still have that. Having Anorexia is not something to aim for it' something to avoid. At your height, tol be considered anorexic you'd have to be 97lb which is not pretty, beleive me. I've been there. You also need have missed 3 periods in a row. Do you want to fuck your body up enough for this to happen?

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Itís your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old November 30th, 2010, 07:56 PM   #4
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

I never said I was stirving for anorexia. But eating more than 500 calories suddenly feels disgusting. I don't even know what happened, just woke up one day and didn't want to eat. I don't want an eating disorder though. That would just be stupid.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old November 30th, 2010, 07:58 PM   #5
Fiction
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

I didn't say you did. The same happened to me as i said, I just decided one day that is what i wanted to do and it's still there now. I always thought cause it'd had come on so quick it might just go.
Try not counting calories, although I know this is hard.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Itís your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old November 30th, 2010, 08:07 PM   #6
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

Have you ever seen a doctor for it? I believe you told me that you hadn't but I'm not to sure.

Counting calories is unstoppable. I'll try once I lose a few pounds, but I don't know if it will work..

I also recounted my calories and found out I made a mathmatical error, I've actually had 416 today. That makes me happy even though it probably shouldn't.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old November 30th, 2010, 08:16 PM   #7
Syvelocin
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

Eating like that isn't a quick fix. You're actually more likely to gain it back when you put yourself on this type of diet. To permanently lose, you have to do it healthily. But still, you don't want to be ten pounds underweight hun.

My doctor is always very cross with me. He sees me every month, and so far I've gained ten pounds and lost seven. I actually still have to count calories myself because he put me on a budget that I have to eat every day.

Throw away the wrapper or box or whatever. Don't look at it. If you don't know how many calories is in what you're eating, it's pretty hard to count them. You don't want this eating disorder. If it does turn into anorexia, you're not going to stop at 103. Trust me. It really can get out of hand.


And I'm sorry I didn't build your walls. And I'm sorry I had to go and fall.
And I'm sorry I had the whole thing wrong. Well, I guess I'm the sorriest of all.
And I'm sorry that you are feeling small. And I'm sorry that I'm not used to crawling.
And I'm sorry the writing's on the wall. Well, I guess I'm the sorriest of all.
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Old November 30th, 2010, 08:20 PM   #8
Fiction
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

I agree with Rith, it is unstoppable. However much you loose you won't be happy and the more you loose the further away from recovery you are.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Itís your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old November 30th, 2010, 08:45 PM   #9
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

I don't see any doctors currently, my mom keeps asking me to but I (fortunately) have that option now.
I haven't lost more than one pound so far. I like seeing the numbers melt away on the scale. Everyday theres a new number, it's almost like a guessing game. How much do I weigh today? It's exciting because, I've always had problems losing weight. That's why I'm so resistant against recovery. Their's nothing to recover from right now.

I heard that nobody takes ED-NOS seriously anyhow. I don't even know if I have that. But apparently doctors don't take it seriously, like it's not a real eating disorder.

I don't think I could recover at this point. The thought of eating more than 1200 calories scares me. I would hate myself if I gained any more weight. =\

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old November 30th, 2010, 10:13 PM   #10
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

EDNOS is actually more dangerous. Death from EDNOS is higher than Anorexia/Bulimia. EDNOS is probably more dangerous because not only are you engaging in starving / restricting, but also purging. These behaviors combined put a dangerous strain on your body & your organs, your heart included in this. I was told that in ED's, your ovaries, heart & brain shrink. It damages them majorly. If your ovaries shrink, and they eventually will, you may never be able to conceive. If your brain shrinks, which it will from dehydration & not enough nutrition going to it, you could actually get brain damage. If your heart shrinks, which again, it will eventually, you could have a heart attack or go into heart failure at any moment. Your body will begin eating itself, and trust me when I say you don't want that.

It also affects other things, like your kidneys, prepare for many infections. Your liver will be affected also. Potassium levels will plummet. Iron levels too. Your health will deteriorate & you'll regret it when it happens, but it may be too late. You'll either die, or have long term health problems. You might be lucky though, you might get out of this without any problems.

Now, that's just the medical side of it. The mental side, the emotional side... is 10x worse than that. & Because you're so malnourished, you won't be able to make decisions logically. You won't be able to focus on anything but food. You won't be able to concentrate, that will go out the window. You won't be able to think straight, at all. The anguish ED's cause will overwhelm you, & you'll be more likely to kill yourself because of how horrible it will be just to be inside your head, let alone your body.

You don't want this, so use that as leverage against this. You can change this around, it's not too late, it's far from too late, you can turn this around.

Take a good long & hard think about it.
You can get help for this.
Please get it.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."


In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.

Last edited by BeautifulDisaster; November 30th, 2010 at 10:16 PM.
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Old November 30th, 2010, 10:44 PM   #11
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

Thank you for the advice, BeautifulDisaster. But I don't know how to go about getting help. My mom has a nasty habit of blowing everything out of proportion, I don't know how to get help without fucking everything up for myself like my freedoms and privledges. I enjoy getting to come and go as I please. It would suck to get that taken away.
=\

I may begin seeing my old therapist again, but I don't purge so I don't see what I do as to much of a harm. If I become dangerously underweight, I understand, but I don't think that would happen. My mom would notice and say something.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old December 1st, 2010, 01:06 AM   #12
BeautifulDisaster
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

It's your choice, but I would recommend doing it before you get to a stage of it being too late / getting worse.

The ball is in your court, but I really wouldn't leave it to get worse.

Just because you don't purge doesn't mean you're not still killing yourself slowly. Many people die from ED's every year, & more than that are left with permanent damage from it. I know you don't want that deep down, and I know you are aware you do have a problem here, you wouldn't be posting otherwise.

There is help out there, but you need to make the choice to seek it & use it.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."


In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.
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Old December 1st, 2010, 12:14 PM   #13
Fiction
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

EDNOS is taken just as seriously by doctors as anorexia or Bulimia. It's the apart from you don't quite fir the right criteria for the other too. This could mean anything from your exactly like an anorexic but still have your periods or have a healthy BMI or having a cross between Anorexia and Bulimia.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Itís your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old December 1st, 2010, 01:23 PM   #14
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

If it's taken seriously, than how come none of my doctors noticed or said anything when I started losing weight and told them I wasn't eating?
I don't get it..

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old December 1st, 2010, 03:31 PM   #15
exploradora
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

my doctor told me that EDNOS accounts for around 50% of people with ED's - it's just as dangerous, and they do take it seriously. losing weight and watching the number on your scale go down may feel good, but it'll never stop - please don't let it get worse.
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Old December 1st, 2010, 06:11 PM   #16
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

It's so hard though, I just weighed in today at 115.2lbs. I was 122lbs last week.
I did my BMI work up and everything and found that I can go as low as 105 and still be heatlhy. I would stop if I didn't look so fat. I don't like looking fat, and I can't stop until I'm skinny. I know that even if I stop now, I'll just start again in a few weeks or months.

Considering that I'm joining the Army and leave for basic in June, I'll be eating a whole bunch in basic so I think I'll get through the recovery than. Right now I want to focus on getting thin as fast as possible.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old December 1st, 2010, 06:18 PM   #17
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

In the UK forces there is a minimum weight requirement, so you'd best make sure you don't go under that.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Itís your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old December 1st, 2010, 07:04 PM   #18
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiction View Post
In the UK forces there is a minimum weight requirement, so you'd best make sure you don't go under that.

The U.S Army has a weight limit as well, but with the muscle mass I'll gain, I don't think I'll be below the limit.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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Old December 1st, 2010, 07:20 PM   #19
exploradora
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

even if your BMI is technically in the healthy range, your body won't be healthy because that weight was lost by basically slowly starving yourself. your weight right now is good for your height, it's healthy. if you try to stop now, and end up starting again later, you'll still have beaten it for that amount of time. I wanted to lose weight and look skinny, and I still haven't gotten there. Instead, I've had to leave school to go into treatment.

I don't know how to put the rest of what I want to say into words, but I noticed that you're new to the site (so am I) - you're worried enough to have asked other's opinions, so I'm guessing there's a part of you that knows that this won't end well - try to focus on that part. hopefully that helps a bit - good luck (:
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Old December 1st, 2010, 07:47 PM   #20
BreatheHopeIntoMe
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Default Re: The start of a real eating disorder? (Anorexia)

That's true... I don't really know why I've been asking about it. I know that I'm a little concerned about it, I've never really been able to cut out foods and eat so little, but it almost comes naturally at this point that it's worrying me. It's still hard, I get hungry, crave food, soda, but I work hard to ignore the cravings and move forward. I have a craving right now for one of the Cokes in the fridge, but their 140 calories... That's so much...
It's scary.

I'm sure you understand that though.. The fear.

I made a split-second decision (before I could think about it because I knew I would talk myself out of it) to call my old therapist and make an appointment. So I'll start seeing somebody about it as soon as I can...

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky, there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him,
Why would he believe in me?"
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