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Old November 11th, 2017, 01:13 PM   #1
PinkFloyd
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Exclamation Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

Last night I was sexually assaulted by a girl I knew at a party in a hotel. Her name is Fiona. I've known her off and on for the past few years. I was solidly drunk, but not wasted after drinking two Four Locos and a few pints of PBR. She was moderately drunk, but not very. At the party, she was really affectionate; like all handsy by touching my neck and chest. None of it was overtly sexual, but there were obvious undertones now that I think back. I should have noticed those red flags, but I just didn't. At the party's peak, there were around 20 to 25 people in the hotel suite doing everything from watching TV in the bedroom to snorting lines of Cocaine off the countertop in the bathroom that was connected to the main area of the room and also the bedroom. That peak happened at 11 PM. Everything was fine until the crowd thinned out because a guest in a neighboring room knocked on our door and told us that we had to quiet down or he'd call the cops. That spooked the guys doing coke in the bathroom, so they left. The guys in the bedroom also left out of boredom I guess. That left my core friend group and also Fiona. Fiona asked me if I wanted to walk with her to get some ice from the machine down the hall. I went with her and while we were getting the ice, she made the bold move of putting her hands under my shirt and worked them under my waistband, and down.. I honestly didn't care. I was way too drunk to care. If I was sober, I would have honestly probably welcomed it. Her and I went back to the room and she walked with the ice into the bedroom. Confused, I followed and asked why she brought it away from the main area. When I got closer to her, she put on this different, more suave personality. She asked me how many different people I had had sex with and then it slowly moved from talking to acting. I have no idea what happened. I was nervous, and froze up. Then it happened. She forced herself on me, and everything went according to her plan. It could have lasted for five minutes or twenty minutes, but I was stunned to say the least. I still am.


The worst part is I have no idea how to feel. My overwhelming feelings are telling me that I don't care and that it wasn't a big deal. I'm completely lost. I haven't told anybody about it; and I don't think I ever will. I wish last night never happened.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." ó Fred Rogers
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Old November 11th, 2017, 08:11 PM   #2
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

Maybe it's because i'm a girl and i totally don't know everything about how things down below work with guys, but...if you were aroused, how is she gonna know it was unwanted? Yes, you could say no...but it doesn't sound like you did. You kinda just let things take their course.

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Old November 12th, 2017, 03:13 PM   #3
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

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Originally Posted by BlackParadePixie View Post
Maybe it's because i'm a girl and i totally don't know everything about how things down below work with guys, but...if you were aroused, how is she gonna know it was unwanted? Yes, you could say no...but it doesn't sound like you did. You kinda just let things take their course.
It's the same problem if the genders were reversed. People freeze up under sexual advances pressure and especially when alcohol enters the picture.




As to the OP, I advise seeing a doctor right away for all the general STD/STI tests.

Also you need to watch the situation to make sure Fiona, isn't pregnant. I'd advise legal counsel preparatory steps just in case, hopefully you won't need them.
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Old November 12th, 2017, 07:26 PM   #4
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

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Originally Posted by BlackParadePixie View Post
Maybe it's because i'm a girl and i totally don't know everything about how things down below work with guys, but...if you were aroused, how is she gonna know it was unwanted? Yes, you could say no...but it doesn't sound like you did. You kinda just let things take their course.

@Uniquemind is right. When sexual assault happens, just cause your sexually arroused and donít say no, doesnít mean itís ok or welcomed. Unfortunately itís really complicated. And ends up really sucking for everyone involved. If itís something unexpected, just freezing up is pretty normal. And itís really not hard to get a guy sexually aroused even against his will.


As far as what you should do about it?
If you donít wana tell anyone about it thatís your personal choice. You might feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those are valid normal emotions to feel right now. But donít blame yourself, you did nothing wrong.

If uncomfortable talking to your parents or someoneís about it, maybe a counselor or therapist? Itís confidential, they can NOT repeat anything you tell them unless itís an immediate threat to someone else or yourself.

You need to talk to someone to help you sort this mess out. You shouldnít go this alone.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 01:11 AM   #5
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

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Originally Posted by BlackParadePixie View Post
Maybe it's because i'm a girl and i totally don't know everything about how things down below work with guys, but...if you were aroused, how is she gonna know it was unwanted? Yes, you could say no...but it doesn't sound like you did. You kinda just let things take their course.
Contrary to popular belief, it's rape not only if there's a "no," but also if there's a lack of a free-willed "yes" (which also must be maintained." Like, if I made a bunch of unwarranted sexual advances towards a girl without getting an explicit "yes," you can bet that I would be guilty of rape. It works the same way the other way around. In order for sex to be consensual, there has to be a continuous willingness to partake from both partners. Men can honestly be raped pretty easily because as the old saying goes, there's our mental brain and our physical brain. They aren't always synched up. Physically speaking, the sex act in it of its self was you know... sex, so it was good in that sense. All that happens is blood rushing to the dick and boom, erection. Maintaining that erection is as east as sex is; and that's what makes this whole ordeal so confusing and horrid for me and other males who have been sexually assaulted. I liked how it felt, so how was it not consensual. I feel 100% violated even though a short, cute 18 year-old brunette chick did this to me.
[/QUOTE]

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Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
When sexual assault happens, just cause your sexually arroused and don’t say no, doesn’t mean it’s ok or welcomed. Unfortunately it’s really complicated. And ends up really sucking for everyone involved. If it’s something unexpected, just freezing up is pretty normal. And it’s really not hard to get a guy sexually aroused even against his will.


As far as what you should do about it?
If you don’t wana tell anyone about it that’s your personal choice. You might feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those are valid normal emotions to feel right now. But don’t blame yourself, you did nothing wrong.

If uncomfortable talking to your parents or someone’s about it, maybe a counselor or therapist? It’s confidential, they can NOT repeat anything you tell them unless it’s an immediate threat to someone else or yourself.

You need to talk to someone to help you sort this mess out. You shouldn’t go this alone.
I'm starting to come to terms with what happened and am finally able to wrap my head around the whole thing. The good news is that I got myself tested at Planned Parenthood and I'm clean. My next step is to get some professional help because my mind is all kinds of fucked up from what happened. I'm not so much confused and scared like I was a couple days ago after this happened, but rather pissed. I really wanna message Fiona a nice WTF text, but I'm afraid of something like that just adding fuel to the fire. I really hope that she just misunderstood the situation and didn't mean to you know... rape me. She hasn't texted me at all since, so I'm thinking she was more drunk than I thought.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uniquemind View Post
It's the same problem if the genders were reversed. People freeze up under sexual advances pressure and especially when alcohol enters the picture.




As to the OP, I advise seeing a doctor right away for all the general STD/STI tests.

Also you need to watch the situation to make sure Fiona, isn't pregnant. I'd advise legal counsel preparatory steps just in case, hopefully you won't need them.
I did get myself checked out and I'm clean thankfully. I really need to message Fiona about this mess.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." ó Fred Rogers

Last edited by PinkFloyd; November 13th, 2017 at 01:16 AM.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 04:57 AM   #6
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkFloyd View Post
Contrary to popular belief, it's rape not only if there's a "no," but also if there's a lack of a free-willed "yes" (which also must be maintained." Like, if I made a bunch of unwarranted sexual advances towards a girl without getting an explicit "yes," you can bet that I would be guilty of rape. It works the same way the other way around. In order for sex to be consensual, there has to be a continuous willingness to partake from both partners. Men can honestly be raped pretty easily because as the old saying goes, there's our mental brain and our physical brain. They aren't always synched up. Physically speaking, the sex act in it of its self was you know... sex, so it was good in that sense. All that happens is blood rushing to the dick and boom, erection. Maintaining that erection is as east as sex is; and that's what makes this whole ordeal so confusing and horrid for me and other males who have been sexually assaulted. I liked how it felt, so how was it not consensual. I feel 100% violated even though a short, cute 18 year-old brunette chick did this to me.


I'm starting to come to terms with what happened and am finally able to wrap my head around the whole thing. The good news is that I got myself tested at Planned Parenthood and I'm clean. My next step is to get some professional help because my mind is all kinds of fucked up from what happened. I'm not so much confused and scared like I was a couple days ago after this happened, but rather pissed. I really wanna message Fiona a nice WTF text, but I'm afraid of something like that just adding fuel to the fire. I really hope that she just misunderstood the situation and didn't mean to you know... rape me. She hasn't texted me at all since, so I'm thinking she was more drunk than I thought.



I did get myself checked out and I'm clean thankfully. I really need to message Fiona about this mess.[/QUOTE]

From what your saying, your entire mental-process about this situation is EXACTLY the same as some of my other friends who have been raped and ended up turning to me for advice in real life.

You're not alone in trying to reconcile the mixed emotions and rationalization regarding the physical side of sex and it's endorphin-dopamine response and the social concept of one's will overpowering another's will and the concept that that is a huge wrong.


The body is a complex biological machine, but it has flaws in it's design, don't hold yourself too accountable.

Last edited by Uniquemind; November 13th, 2017 at 05:03 AM.
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Old November 13th, 2017, 02:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

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I'm starting to come to terms with what happened and am finally able to wrap my head around the whole thing. The good news is that I got myself tested at Planned Parenthood and I'm clean. My next step is to get some professional help because my mind is all kinds of fucked up from what happened. I'm not so much confused and scared like I was a couple days ago after this happened, but rather pissed. I really wanna message Fiona a nice WTF text, but I'm afraid of something like that just adding fuel to the fire. I really hope that she just misunderstood the situation and didn't mean to you know... rape me. She hasn't texted me at all since, so I'm thinking she was more drunk than I thought.



I did get myself checked out and I'm clean thankfully. I really need to message Fiona about this mess.
From what your saying, your entire mental-process about this situation is EXACTLY the same as some of my other friends who have been raped and ended up turning to me for advice in real life.

You're not alone in trying to reconcile the mixed emotions and rationalization regarding the physical side of sex and it's endorphin-dopamine response and the social concept of one's will overpowering another's will and the concept that that is a huge wrong.


The body is a complex biological machine, but it has flaws in it's design, don't hold yourself too accountable.[/QUOTE]


I'm lucky that I'm not as bad as I was. Now I have some actual emotions about what happened. I'm just pissed more than anything to be honest. Thank you so much for your response.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." ó Fred Rogers
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Old November 14th, 2017, 10:47 PM   #8
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

Some scientists actually say the body makes you enjoy forceful sexual acts just to minimize the physical pain and damage to it. Sadly the psychological pain is still there. I suggest you speak to a therapist first. It's a good thing you tested on STD-s, now try to make sure she isn't pregnant because that is a whole new can of worms you open.

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Old November 14th, 2017, 11:57 PM   #9
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

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Some scientists actually say the body makes you enjoy forceful sexual acts just to minimize the physical pain and damage to it. Sadly the psychological pain is still there. I suggest you speak to a therapist first. It's a good thing you tested on STD-s, now try to make sure she isn't pregnant because that is a whole new can of worms you open.
Yeah, I've done a shit ton of reading on the subject. I worked up the courage to message her, so I did. I started the conversation on a mean note with a nice message that reads "Hey what the fuck?" She has mentioned in the past that she's currently on birth control, and I could be blanking here, but she could have also even used a condom, but that's doubtful because I know her and I know she's said she hates condoms. I'm working on making sure she isn't pregnant.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." ó Fred Rogers

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Old November 15th, 2017, 03:05 AM   #10
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Yeah, I've done a shit ton of reading on the subject. I worked up the courage to message her, so I did. I started the conversation on a mean note with a nice message that reads "Hey what the fuck?" She has mentioned in the past that she's currently on birth control, and I could be blanking here, but she could have also even used a condom, but that's doubtful because I know her and I know she's said she hates condoms. I'm working on making sure she isn't pregnant.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to see how she responds verbatim.

It could be alcohol made both of you weak to just instinctual carnal impulses.

It's no secret more complex rational thought is gone depending on the substances and concentration consumed.
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Old November 16th, 2017, 05:29 AM   #11
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Thereís like a process people go through psychologically after a rape or sexual assault. And anger is one of them. So is confronting your abuser.

However you get through this is your choice. But it shouldnít be alone.

Talking to someone I donít think would be talking to her right now. Just my opinion.

Hey Iím really sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find your way past this somehow. Not saying you need to forgive her, but just get past it. For yourself. Itís not an easy thing to do. Takes time.

Please talk to someone?
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Old November 17th, 2017, 04:12 AM   #12
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Thereís like a process people go through psychologically after a rape or sexual assault. And anger is one of them. So is confronting your abuser.

However you get through this is your choice. But it shouldnít be alone.

Talking to someone I donít think would be talking to her right now. Just my opinion.

Hey Iím really sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find your way past this somehow. Not saying you need to forgive her, but just get past it. For yourself. Itís not an easy thing to do. Takes time.

Please talk to someone?
I think the process is similar to the 5 stages of grief no?

In a way you kinda are changed by an experience like that, and the old you or previous way you viewed the world, does pass away with such an experience, in my view it is a type of death.
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Old November 17th, 2017, 08:15 PM   #13
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I think the process is similar to the 5 stages of grief no?

In a way you kinda are changed by an experience like that, and the old you or previous way you viewed the world, does pass away with such an experience, in my view it is a type of death.
Changed?
Life altering tbh. Changes everything about you. And it does/ can change how you view things, absolutely. How can it not?
Death?
Some people choose that path
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Old November 18th, 2017, 03:13 AM   #14
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Changed?
Life altering tbh. Changes everything about you. And it does/ can change how you view things, absolutely. How can it not?
Death?
Some people choose that path
I meant death in a figurative sense, not necessarily a literal one, but upon sad hindsight yes some people do give up on life unsatisfied with the new mental state they are forced to see the world through, as it deviates too strongly from where they were before.

But I'd like to believe for those people, hope exists if the right therapies and support can get to them in time. Certainly the strength in numbers of the recent anti-shame and anti-rape/sexual harassment movement is helping in a way nobody has seen before.


It's really calling into question the level of civilization the 1st world purportedly claims to have over the stereotypical 3rd world savages.

--

There's even a passage in the OT bible of a scenario of a woman who was ravished in the city and nobody came to save her, that no shame should be put upon her.

Yet I don't see many Christians remembering the moral of that passage, preferring to think the faith supports slut-shaming instead.


--

Also to the guys, if your making moves on a girl and her body language is all stiff, interpret that as a verbal "no, stop". It seems obvious, but I think some guys really can't read body language.

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Old November 22nd, 2017, 08:40 PM   #15
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If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to see how she responds verbatim.

It could be alcohol made both of you weak to just instinctual carnal impulses.

It's no secret more complex rational thought is gone depending on the substances and concentration consumed.
She's ignored me completely. I'm just pissed as all hell at this point and want nothing to do with her at all.

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Old November 23rd, 2017, 06:57 AM   #16
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She's ignored me completely. I'm just pissed as all hell at this point and want nothing to do with her at all.
Be wary. Even though your side of the story is that you are the victim.

She could spin it, and claim she is victim, and if she feels traumatized that could explain why she's ignoring you.

I'd move on, but be prepared to lawyer up. A no response from her could mean a lot of things.
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Old November 23rd, 2017, 07:54 AM   #17
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

@Uniquemind brings a good point. She can say whatever she wants.
That being said Iíd contact a lawyer and give a statement or report this to the police. If she accuses you first sheíll have more credibility if you defend yourself with your side of the story. But if the roles are reversed and you come out first I think youíll be perceived more as the victim.
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Old November 30th, 2017, 05:57 AM   #18
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Default Re: Something awful happened to me and I don't know how to feel (trigger warning)

Get a lawyer and try getting someone who is friends with her and you to be an informant. Also if you think she is preparing to sue you, strike first.

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