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Old December 5th, 2008, 05:32 PM   #1
Atonement
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Name: Addison
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Default Thoughts that Linger

The thoughts are always there. It'd be so easy. Just get it over with. Suicide.

I deny that they exist to anyone that would ask, but they are there. I don't want to bring it up again to anyone because I don't want to make a big deal, and I feel like I am doing all I can to suppress the thoughts and almost attempted actions. if that made sense. But I can't bring myself to the realization that I need help. I have help too which is fucked up. I have therapy, I have support, I have tons of friends, I have you (VT), but I still can't seem to express it. I am taking a leap to try to see if expressing myself and putting my heart and soul out there to VT so see if something good comes of it but idk, I'm fed up and don't want to deal with these thoughts anymore. I'm sick of being sick.

All you need is love.
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Old December 5th, 2008, 08:11 PM   #2
just-me
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

i know i constantly conceal my feelings and it makes matters worse, but is an extremely difficult cycle to brake from.
but with thoughts of suicide, if u deny them to your self, in the short term can help you pass a difficult stage, although in the long run you would have to talk it out.
but as you said, your sick of bein SICK. if you are sick, you will get better.
i know its difficult and i could sit and trail off the things to keep you distracted from these thoughts, but u can not be distracted all the time.
you can pull through this, and when you are the other side the relief you willl feel will be immense for you are strong and you will have happiness to prove it.
you will have to deal with these thoughts, but not alone. i am here for you. we all are.
hope i helped xxx

beth she feels the pain inside


love is an open wound, so easily infected, but i dont need prottecting. and hope is a drug we choose giving us reason for life.
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Old December 6th, 2008, 10:45 AM   #3
Atonement
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

It's so ridiculous because I could do it now. Right now. I want to do it now right now. I know how I would do it now. Right now. But I can't because there are too many people watching me which is my blessing and curse and idk what to fucking do because usually, in my situation right now which I dont want to mention for fear of breaking down, I would break down and cry but recently I am void of all emotion. There is a hard shell exterior that I need to break but I want to cry, but I can't. Its fucking driving me insane. I just want to give up. Sorry.

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Old December 6th, 2008, 06:29 PM   #4
Cindex
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Just cry. Find a comfortable shoulder and cry. There's nothing wrong with it. Take it a day at a time. Instead of avoiding the thoughts, just think of all the people that would miss you!
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Old December 6th, 2008, 09:38 PM   #5
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Are you looking at death as a form of aggression or a way to escape? Aggression you can fix, as well as escape. When I was thinking about suicide, I decided I was going to live my life the way I wanted to, I was going to be happy until the second I did the deed. After that, I was too happy to want to do it.

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Old December 6th, 2008, 09:45 PM   #6
Atonement
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindex View Post
Just cry. Find a comfortable shoulder and cry. There's nothing wrong with it. Take it a day at a time. Instead of avoiding the thoughts, just think of all the people that would miss you!
First, I want to cry, I feel the need to cry, I can't cry. I can't bring myself to it. I have no emotion. zero. My "depression" isn't an extreme sadness, its more the lack of happyness if that makes sense. Like, I have NO emotion which makes me think about how worthless and easy and fuck idk.. its complicated.

As for people that would miss me -.- I am sure people would be like "oh, addi I would miss you so much." And no offense to anyone but I just see bullshit. Maybe its true, Idk, but I don't believe it. I see myself as worthless and SUCH a waste of time that I just don't even care of others emotions. Call me selfish I don't care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePhantom View Post
Are you looking at death as a form of aggression or a way to escape? Aggression you can fix, as well as escape. When I was thinking about suicide, I decided I was going to live my life the way I wanted to, I was going to be happy until the second I did the deed. After that, I was too happy to want to do it.
Escape. I just want it over with. I am happy that you are able to live your life the way you want, but I unfortuantely don't have the luxury to do what I want because I have so much pressure and people relying on me and I simply can't always do what I want, how I want it.

All you need is love.
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Old December 7th, 2008, 01:49 AM   #7
NightHawksr71
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vindication View Post
First, I want to cry, I feel the need to cry, I can't cry. I can't bring myself to it. I have no emotion. zero. My "depression" isn't an extreme sadness, its more the lack of happyness if that makes sense. Like, I have NO emotion which makes me think about how worthless and easy and fuck idk.. its complicated.

As for people that would miss me -.- I am sure people would be like "oh, addi I would miss you so much." And no offense to anyone but I just see bullshit. Maybe its true, Idk, but I don't believe it. I see myself as worthless and SUCH a waste of time that I just don't even care of others emotions. Call me selfish I don't care.
Wow, A couple of weeks ago I felt the exact same way still kinda do......

Just try, I know it doesn't seem like it, but resist it for your and the people that love you sake. It can get better you just have to give it a chance and help yourself to be happy again.

I know its very hard to see right now but there are people that love you. You just need to let them help you.

Hope everything works out for you.
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Old December 7th, 2008, 12:25 PM   #8
Atonement
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Quote:
Originally Posted by NightHawksr71 View Post
I know its very hard to see right now but there are people that love you. You just need to let them help you.

I sure there are people that love me, chances say there are but I dont feel it or acknowledge it. I can't let them help me because they dont want to help me.

All you need is love.
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Old December 7th, 2008, 05:39 PM   #9
Cindex
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Default Re: Thoughts that Linger

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vindication View Post
First, I want to cry, I feel the need to cry, I can't cry. I can't bring myself to it. I have no emotion. zero. My "depression" isn't an extreme sadness, its more the lack of happyness if that makes sense. Like, I have NO emotion which makes me think about how worthless and easy and fuck idk.. its complicated.

As for people that would miss me -.- I am sure people would be like "oh, addi I would miss you so much." And no offense to anyone but I just see bullshit. Maybe its true, Idk, but I don't believe it. I see myself as worthless and SUCH a waste of time that I just don't even care of others emotions. Call me selfish I don't care.
It's almost harder to cry than not isn't it. Just lay there for a while and let the tears come. Just cry where no one can hear. Into a pillow when no one is home. I know how you feel. That's really how I am. I don't feel emotion. I might look mad or sad or happy, but I'm always nuetral.

It's true, for most people it wouldn't be life changing. People would miss you though. Just think about your family. Maybe they don't like you much, but you would make a huge hole in their life if you were gone. Obviously you're worth something or else why would they keep you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vindication View Post
I sure there are people that love me, chances say there are but I dont feel it or acknowledge it. I can't let them help me because they dont want to help me.
Maybe they don't know that you need help, or more help.
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