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Old November 24th, 2008, 07:56 PM   #1
Gumleaf
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Default the d word

well i think its better that i write this now while i'm in a good frame of mind. but i think i need to talk about this properly. the question i'm starting to ask myself now is am i depressed? are the down days i have part of a bigger problem? am i just a worrier, or is there more to it then that? after trying to figure things out with someone after a very bad day yesterday, it appears that the answer to the question is yes.

i've already promised someone that i will tell my parents. i want to tell them but at the same time i don't want to trouble them with another of my problems. i never thought this would happen to me. up until now i have had down times like everyone has and have always been able to handle them no problem. just talking to a friend or to my girlfriend has always made things better in the past, but its clear its gone past that now.

why is it past that? my girlfriend rang me twice from work in a 3 hour shift yesterday to check up on me because she is so worried about me. now, its not fair on her and it makes me a very selfish person to expect her to be there like that whenever i'm down. if this continues its been quite rightly pointed out to me that it will affect my relationship with my girlfriend.

so today is the day for action. i will have the opportunity. i'm going to talk to my sister when she gets home from work. i'm going to tell her how i've been feeling. i want to tell her so i have her with me when i tell my parents. i'm scared as hell and don't want to do it, but i've now realised that this is something that i need to do. i hope this is the first step in me starting to get better. i'm glad i've got all that out now too.

stephen

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Old November 24th, 2008, 08:06 PM   #2
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Default Re: the d word

Wub you triplet <3

Let me know how it goes = ]

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

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Old November 24th, 2008, 10:42 PM   #3
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Default Re: the d word

Ditto. Good luck with the chat. Hope you feel better, man.

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It is about seeing beyond the imperfections.
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Old November 25th, 2008, 01:40 AM   #4
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

i tried putting it off, i tried thinking that i'm making this sound worse then it is and i can actually handle it. but then i remembered the promise i made and the unwanted and unneeded strain i'm putting on my girlfriend and i realised that there is no way around it. when my sister came home i built myself up and went to go and tell her. but before i got a word in she spent 10 minutes telling me about her problems at work. after listening to that i started to chicken out a bit. in fact, when she finished she said to me "what were you going to talk about?" and i said "don't worry about it, its ok". but then the said "i know something is up, you weren't talking much yesterday" and then she asked me if i was having problems with my girlfriend and stuff.

so anyways, i somehow built up the courage again and spilt my guts. it hit home for me because i cried and i don't even know why. the reaction on her face when i told her about the extents of my down times, especially of late, left her shocked i think. then she got upset with herself for not checking in with me more often, but i said i probably wouldn't have said anything anyways. she said she was glad i told her because she said that it could get out of control and promised that she will look after me. she also said that whenever i get really down that i have to ring her up straight away. she also said that i have to tell mum and dad and she even suggested that she would be with me to tell them. she then asked me how much of this does my girlfriend know, and i told her basically all of it and that yesterday she was really worried about me. so now my sis is going to call my girlfriend so they can work out the best way to deal with me i guess.

anyways, my sister said that when we are all home we are going to talk about it with my parents on thursday night. like what a friend has already suggested, she said i might need to see a counsellor for help. idk, i guess we'll have to see what my parents say first. this is so scary though, i've never felt this bad before and its getting worse and i hate it. but knowing my sister and girlfriend care so much helps and makes it worthwhile. she said she wants me to be happy again and that i deserve to be happy. hopefully this is a step in the right direction and that i'm not causing too much trouble and putting too much of a burden on everyone. there are more things to worry about right now then me.

stephen

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Old November 25th, 2008, 02:19 AM   #5
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Default Re: the d word

*huggles*
That is all = ]

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

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Old November 27th, 2008, 07:56 PM   #6
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

well this whole thing is proving hard to handle. i'm not liking it at all. i am full of mixed thoughts and feelings and feel like tearing my head off and getting a new one. well yesterday wasn't a good day for me. i was downa bit and was basically dragged in by my sister and girlfriend to tell my mum about how bad my down times actually are and that my friends think i need help.

it didn't go well. i couldn't say anything. i didn't want to say anything and i don't know why. after sitting there looking at the floor for a while my sister did the talking. it was like i didn't want her to know. i just couldn't say anything. my mum started asking me questions about some stuff and i didn't say anything and ended up getting up and going to my room. my girlfriend came in and sat with me and asked me if i was ok. i wouldn't talk to my girlfriend or anyone and just sat there thinking how stupid i am and stuff. i know its silly to think that but its like i can't help it when i get like that. anyways, my girlfriend and i went for a long walk and it cleared my head a bit and it was good, we talked about different stuff and laughed a bit and it was good.

i got home after saying goodnight to my girlfriend and my mum came and talked to me about it. again i couldn't say much at all. its all seems so stupid and i feel like an idiot. but it appears like i'm going to be going to see a counsellor or theropist after my mum talks to my dad about it. now i regret bringing the whole thing up. i might not have been happy but by keeping it to myself my stupid down moods didn't bother anyone else, now it does.

i'm so stupid. i don't deserve to have people like me because i'm a bad person back. i have people who reach out and want to help me and for a while i see the light, and then i go back to the old ways and ush them away. idiots like me don't deserve to be happy or anything. i really hate myself right now, this is a total disaster and i wish it would go away.

stephen

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Old November 27th, 2008, 10:30 PM   #7
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Default Re: the d word

Stephen, darling..... *HUGGLES*

It'll be okay!
You did the right thing by letting your family know.
You were brave in letting them know,
These things can't be helped on their own.
Believe me,
I've tried for the better part of 6 years to deal on my own,
And failed miserably.

We want you better.
Your family wants you better.

And you are anything but a bad person,
You've cheered me up so many times, I can't even count!

I know it's hard to see,
Everything is foggy in your head,
But you deserve to be well hun = ]

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old November 28th, 2008, 12:08 AM   #8
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Default Re: the d word

Stop talking stupid depressed crap

Why you stared at the floor and couldn't say anything? Well its simple because we don't want to be vulnerable we don't want to show that we're in pain and we especially don't want to show our pain to the people we love because it will hurt them

The fact is if nobody would ever find out Stephen you'd go insane and in a month or two you'd be in the wonderful stages of insomnia, random aches & pains, anxiety, easily irritatable and so on and a little bit after that you'll get 1 of 2

Your just so damn depressed that you can't get out of bed or You just don't give a fuck anymore and want to die. By this stage your literally lying on the ground and taking a beating from yourself basically

The point is depression isn't something that you can tackle alone. You can tackle some mild stress alone but for depression you need professional help & loving support

So stop putting yourself down I've seen your posts you worry damn alot about your family, gf etc. Your a caring person so just take the support & care from others or you'll never get out of this!

I'm tough, rough, ready and able
To pick myself up from under this table
Don't stick no sign on me, I got no label
I'm a little sick, unsure, unsound and unstable

But I'm fighting my way back
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Old November 30th, 2008, 05:51 AM   #9
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

well now that both my parents know about all this crap, it appears they have taken it seriously and have already found me a counsellor. she was introduced to me tonight and i'll be seeing her for the first time next week. the more i think about it, the more i think this isn't a good idea, but other people do so i will try it i guess. we'll see what happens i guess but i don't think talking to someone will change things. i talk to people already and it doesn't help. as far as i'm concerned i'm just useless and am a lost cause. oh well, we'll see what happens i guess. meh!

stephen

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Old November 30th, 2008, 08:48 AM   #10
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Default Re: the d word

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumleaf View Post
well now that both my parents know about all this crap, it appears they have taken it seriously and have already found me a counsellor. she was introduced to me tonight and i'll be seeing her for the first time next week. the more i think about it, the more i think this isn't a good idea, but other people do so i will try it i guess. we'll see what happens i guess but i don't think talking to someone will change things. i talk to people already and it doesn't help. as far as i'm concerned i'm just useless and am a lost cause. oh well, we'll see what happens i guess. meh!
Dude you're far from useless! From what I've seen on the forums you're a nice, loving person with a lot to give!
You're on the first step to getting better and that's a really good thing, no matter how bad it might feel now.
Hope all goes well with your counseller, and remember that talking really can help!
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Old November 30th, 2008, 11:39 PM   #11
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

well i don't know. today has been a bad day so far and i can't see t getting better. i'm feeling so down and just feel like i'm all alone. i know people care, they tell me they do, but i just don't want to trouble them with my problems anymore. i called my sister and told her and she told me to talk to my girlfriend about it. but i don't want her to worry about me like last week. i kept a fake smile on my face and tried to be happy even though on the inside i'm not for the whole day. she deserves to be able to do things without having to worry about me. i'm so stupid and an idiot. i wish i could be normal and not so negative. meh! who cares anyways? i'm sorry for posting all this crap. you people shouldn't have to put up with me like this and i'm sorry, but there is nobody else i can tell.

stephen

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~Jessi should have been here~

Last edited by Gumleaf; November 30th, 2008 at 11:57 PM.
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Old December 1st, 2008, 12:57 AM   #12
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Default Re: the d word

Stephen...

You're not posting crap.
It's perfectly healthy to get all of those thoughts out of your head and somewhere else.

As I've said:

We want you happy.
Your family wants you happy.
God wants you to be happy.

And NOT the fake happy.

We all want you to do what it takes to be truly happy,
That's why you're being helped on and off of the internet.
We arn't helping you on a random whim.
We truly want to help.
We arn't wasting our time.
If we were, we wouldn't be trying to help you hun = ]

*huggles*

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old December 2nd, 2008, 08:28 PM   #13
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Default Re: the d word

Stephen, i know the last time we had a conversation, it was more of a debate.

But.
None of this stuff you've posted is crap.
NONE of it is invalid
People want to help you.
Hyper is right.. if you let it go, it'll get worse. A LOT worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sapphire_Flames View Post
VT turned me lesbo acid wankers wtf.
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Old December 3rd, 2008, 02:55 AM   #14
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

this is so stupid. i feel so stupid. its like i have no control of myself. in 2 hours i've gone from feeling fine to basically being back at rock bottom. i can't go on like this. i can't stand it any longer. i can't control my emotions at all. i feel like my head is going to explode and all the tears are going to come out. this is just so stupid. i'm a dickhead! i want to tell people, i want them to know, but when i think that i also think that they won't want to know which is what i'm feeling now. boy i'm so stupid. i should be shot to put myself and everyone connected to me out of misery.

stephen

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Old December 3rd, 2008, 06:01 PM   #15
Hyper
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Default Re: the d word

No I think you need to grab a pillow hug it and cry a little maybe.. Sometimes helps..

People have gotten through this before.. So can You. And none of them have had to be shot because their ''dickheads''

I assure you there are far worse dickheads out there than you.

I'm tough, rough, ready and able
To pick myself up from under this table
Don't stick no sign on me, I got no label
I'm a little sick, unsure, unsound and unstable

But I'm fighting my way back
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Old December 4th, 2008, 04:27 AM   #16
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

well today i'm feeling much better then yesterday. i saw my counsellor for the first time today. i don't want to go into the details of what we talked about other then to say that she asked me some questions about why i think i feel down and the things that trigger me feeling down. she also suggested that for the moment i see her weekly. so my next appointment will be next thursday afternoon. it was hard to open up but i tried my best to. i think as time goes by and i become more comfortable around her, things will get better. it also seems that there are benefits with parents knowing professional counsellors and stuff. usually she doesn't like to "treat" people unless they have a doctors referal, but she is seeing me anyways which is good. i don't think i could talk to a normal doctor about all this anyways. so yeah, a positive start i think, i hope that this is the start of better days for me to come.

stephen

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Old December 4th, 2008, 04:52 AM   #17
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Default Re: the d word



That is good news, Stephen. I hope that you continue to feel better than the day before x


~ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step ~

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Old December 5th, 2008, 01:54 AM   #18
Gumleaf
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Default Re: the d word

well today has been a major test for me and even though its not over yet, far from it, i've been able to figure things out. i've found that i slide into these down times when either one or both of a couple of things happen. the first thing is when i'm alone and something small happens that gets me down and the other thing is that something pisses me off and then that gets me down.

by talking to friends and trying to think about how to deal with it after my first counselling session yesterday i've been able to find ways to help myself when i start feeling and thinking those bad thoughts. so today, since i've been home alone for the most part, i've been careful not to allow myself to get like that. but a couple of things happened that started me feeling crap and both times i went out for a walk and that sort of has cleared my head a bit.

this doesn't solve the problem but i guess i'm learning how to manage it a bit i suppose. because with 2 seperate things today triggering me off, i was able to get out and calm myself down before spiralling into a heap. i guess i'm learning how to read the signs a bit. idk, this might be a positive thing, i'm not sure.

stephen

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Old December 6th, 2008, 05:48 AM   #19
Callwaiting
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Default Re: the d word

Well learning to manage your moods and identify the triggers of those moods is actually very positive! You should discuss this with your counseller to try and come up with strategies to clear your head of a bad mood before it becomes a problem.
You mentioned that going for walks helps your mood; simple stuff like this can really help.

Hope you feel better soon, and remember to discuss everything with your counseller, that's what they're there for!
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Old December 8th, 2008, 02:33 AM   #20
whiterecyclables94
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Default Re: the d word

Tell me if im wrong but from reading through this thread you appear to understand your circumstances and that is one of the best things that you can do in this type of situation i also had depression and one thing that people dont really understand is that change takes time. If you want an easy way out you can take pills but if you really want to get over your problem then it takes time and self motivation and both of which are on your side

Cheers
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