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Old September 5th, 2015, 06:11 PM   #1
ObliviousCat
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Default My Mom

WARNING: Very long post!

My mom is emotionally abusive and has been on and off for a year now. Yesterday is a prime example of her behavior. In the car, we're parked at McDonald's getting ready to eat when we talk about something and a misinterpreted tone in my voice sets her off. She starts getting upset and when she gets as upset as she was, she attacks me emotionally. Meaning she deliberately gives me panic attacks and provokes me. She is my mother and I have been in therapy for 3 years already so she knows my exact triggers. She says something to set me off, using what she knows is my second biggest trigger. I start crying as I begin to overthink and feel myself start to shake. She notices because she says, "Good. Cry." and continues on by saying it over and over and over again. Unfortunately, and I do not excuse myself for this, her emotional abuse and constant provoking results in me being verbally abusive as she says. I told her to stop but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her I hate her guts. She responded with, "Good." She continued to say more, moving on to my main trigger, which caused me to say something else that I forgot. That caused something in her to snap and she slapped me on the arm to discipline me...I figure I must have said something along the lines of, "You always fucking do this" or something with fuck or shit in it. I understand that's a form of discipline but I didn't stop and said something else which caused her to strike at me again. This time, I defended myself by grasping at her wrists or slapping her hands away. Her food fell on the floor and she hit me in the face. She then took my (barely touched) food and threw it away. So this whole situation started with emotional abuse with her being the aggressor, leading to me being verbally abusive, leading her to get physical.

She threatened to "Knock my teeth out" over my mouth and when I told her that she'd get in trouble she said she didn't care and the "system" is racist. It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.) Spanking isn't too bad but nowadays forcing soap into your child's mouth, slapping or punching them in face, is considered child abuse. There was a time when she called me an "attention whore" when she deliberately gave me a panic attack so I said something in response and that caused her to hit me in the head with the comb she was using to do my hair. The comb broke. I told my former therapist about this when we first met and we had a 2-hour session getting a history of me. Just here merely hitting me with a comb was considered child abuse to him and put him at risk for losing his license if he didn't tell anyone...so he called DCFS. They never showed up to investigate or even wrote a report on it because I had explained to my then-therapist that her getting physical was just a one time thing.

When I try to explain to my mother why I react in such a way when I'm having an episode, she immediately accuses me of attempting to excuse myself from such behavior when I'm only trying to educate and explain to her. The thing is that she never listens to me, twists my words around if she does, and does not for the life of her want to be proven wrong. The explanation for my reaction is quite simple in my perspective but in her own point of view she feels like I'm trying to act arrogant or excuse myself because of my illness. I just wish she could try to listen to me or understand.


Anyway, we were supposed to go to Big Lots after McDonald's to get toys for the kitten I was supposed to get tomorrow but she cancelled and is now reconsidering getting the cat. (The cat is for emotional support and mainly something to alleviate a bit of my depression and to motivate me until we move to a bigger space to get a puppy.) Either before or after Big Lots I had planned to meet with my dad (parents are separated) at Starbucks and walk with him to Panera Bread. Unfortunately, my episode didn't want to end and I came down with a migraine. I told my mom so she took me home so I could take my medication for migraines (Excedrin). When we got in I was still hyperventilating and I threw up three times. It was very difficult for me to swallow the pills even when they were cut in half. I started experiencing heart palpitations and no matter how much cold air I got I still felt like I was burning up. This lasted for 45 minutes-1 hour.
She told me she didn't want me around so she picked up my dad from Starbucks since he had already arrived and dropped us off at his house. She came in and sat down and the three of us had a long talk that probably lasted for 1-2 hours. She said she needed a break from me and victimized herself by saying, "She verbally abused me!" I guess I did. It's not like I pressured her and that led to her being emotionally abusive. I hadn't done anything and in reality she was the aggressor in this situation.

So she left me here with my dad for the night and hilariously I did not get any sleep. His house is near infested with roaches and his bedroom (where I sleep while he sleeps out in the living room) is full of bedbugs galore. I cut myself (over the situation earlier, not the bugs..) and contemplated suicide for a while. I counted 11 bites only 1 hour in the bed and started freaking out when I kept killing newborn bed bugs and adult ones. Newborns were all over my blanket, laptop, an adult was crawling up the bed from the back, another one on the right side, on the left...I tried smashing an adult one and it wouldn't stop moving until the third smash. I'm not a bug person so I started crying and left the bed. With my luck, I see two huge roaches on the wall and I'm trapped in this room. My dad made it clear that he sleeps in the living room and I sleep in the room. It sounds stupid, childish, and wimpy of me but I was literally in the corner shaking and crying hoping a roach wouldn't fall near or on me from the ceiling. Roaches are a huge deal for me. It didn't help that earlier that day I had walked into the kitchen of his house only to find a huge group of baby and adult roaches all together. When I stepped near them, they all sprawled out. It creeps me out and scares me to no end. I did not sleep at all last night. It's now 3:58 PM and I still haven't gone to sleep. This morning I was supposed to volunteer at a shelter holding an adoption fair and I couldn't make it because I hadn't been able to sleep in such a condition.
I told my mom about it and her only response was, "You can come home tonight."
Well, okay. That's great. Unfortunately, she had me haul over my duffle bag and I am 100% sure I will be bringing home bed bugs and maybe even some roaches tonight, too. I'm so stressed out over this.

The only good thing was that my (long-distance) boyfriend was here with me from the time I woke up yesterday to the time he fell asleep (he stayed up with me even though he had to get up in the morning today. He's in Australia btw so time difference.) We usually talk all day anyway but yesterday was a bit different and more important to me. I would say another good thing is that today my dad ordered pizza and my mom is picking me up sometime tonight. Hopefully I will still be getting the cat..
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Old September 5th, 2015, 07:02 PM   #2
Dalcourt
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Default Re: My Mom

Oh man, this is really messed up. Your Mom's really treating you very unfair by not only emotionally but physically abusing you.
I mean I could tell you now that you should tell someone and get help and stuff but I'm sure you know that you could do that, right?
It would be ridiculous anyway cuz ma Dad's physically abusive and I never have the courage to do something against it. So who am I to tell ya what to do?
Maybe parents acting like that is really an Afro-American thing, who knows?

And well I totally understand your freaking out about the roaches...just hate them, too, esp. flying roaches...the horror.

I really hope you feel better again.
Can't really do or say much else to make you feel better.

But if you wanna talk about it I'm here to listen.
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Old September 5th, 2015, 10:48 PM   #3
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Default Re: My Mom

If I were you I'd tell her that you will grow up some day and have a family. And you will remember everything she's said and done. And you will just make believe she doesn't exist. No visits no grandkids .. nothing. And when she's old and needs you .... zero!

Maybe she'll get the message.
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Old September 6th, 2015, 06:19 PM   #4
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Default Re: My Mom

your mother is fucking messed up

“We fight no matter the cost of battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It is not the question of courage. It is something constitutional, an ability to let go. It maybe nothing more than life-hungry stupidity.”-Yann Martel,Life of Pi
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Old September 7th, 2015, 06:36 AM   #5
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Default Re: My Mom

May I ask why you haven't reported her for what she's doing? People need to learn one way or another. Stories like this make me realize how fortunate I am to have good parents.
And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better.
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Old September 7th, 2015, 06:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: My Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph_II View Post
Stories like this make me realize how fortunate I am to have good parents.
Your situation is guaranteed to get better.
No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.

Furthermore, good to know you have nice parents. My mother is a good parent as well but just like all human beings she is bound to make mistakes. What she did is hardly excusable and I'm not justifying her actions but this does not make her a bad parent. She still took me to adopt a cat for emotional support and she's trying all she can to at least put a genuine smile on my face. What happened that day happened and it's just another event in the past, now.
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Old September 8th, 2015, 04:16 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by ObliviousCat View Post
No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.
I meant you living with your mother. You'll be an adult and move out someday, isn't that right? If that's not an improvement, regardless of how slight, then I don't know what is. I'd say it was clear that that was what I was referring to, taking into account that the thread is titled "My Mom."

Send me a private message anytime.
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Old September 8th, 2015, 04:23 PM   #8
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I meant you living with your mother. You'll be an adult and move out someday, isn't that right? If that's not an improvement, regardless of how slight, then I don't know what is. I'd say it was clear that that was what I was referring to, taking into account that the thread is titled "My Mom."
Actually, you wrote "And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better." It seemed safe for me to assume that by "anything" you were referring to the suicide I was contemplating. Thinking of or attempting suicide implies depression among other things, so when you wrote "Your situation is guaranteed to get better," I thought you were talking about my disorder(s). It could have been interpreted both ways, taking into account that the actual post talks about my mom and my disorders.
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Old September 8th, 2015, 04:28 PM   #9
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Actually, you wrote "And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better." It seemed safe for me to assume that by "anything" you were referring to the suicide I was contemplating. Thinking of or attempting suicide implies depression among other things, so when you wrote "Your situation is guaranteed to get better," I thought you were talking about my disorder(s). It could have been interpreted both ways, taking into account that the actual post talks about my mom and my disorders.
Before saying you contemplated suicide, you said that you cut yourself over the situation. That situation involved your mother, did it not? That would throw anyone off kilter. Also, non-depressed people can think about suicide (I consider myself an example).

Send me a private message anytime.
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Old September 8th, 2015, 04:33 PM   #10
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Before saying you contemplated suicide, you said that you cut yourself over the situation. That situation involved your mother, did it not? That would throw anyone off kilter. Also, non-depressed people can think about suicide (I consider myself an example).
I know ~ that's why I said among other things.
I guess it involved my mother but more so my overthinking and episode.
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Old September 9th, 2015, 10:20 AM   #11
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A good parent wouldn't be abusive to this extent for over a year and your dad's house has too poor living conditions.

You should tell someone. Hopefully get a better home with more caring guardians.
This won't magically fix your struggles, but they at least be easier to deal with.
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Old September 9th, 2015, 10:23 AM   #12
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A good parent wouldn't be abusive to this extent for over a year and your dad's house has too poor living conditions.

You should tell someone. Hopefully get a better home with more caring guardians.
This won't magically fix your struggles, but they at least be easier to deal with.
I don't want my parents in trouble .. :/
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Old September 9th, 2015, 11:23 AM   #13
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I don't want my parents in trouble .. :/
The only trouble your mom gets is that she be unable to cause you trouble. I don't know if your dad is abusive, if not then it's unfortunate for him but you can still keep in touch and even meet him if the new home isn't too far.
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Old September 9th, 2015, 10:52 PM   #14
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The only trouble your mom gets is that she be unable to cause you trouble. I don't know if your dad is abusive, if not then it's unfortunate for him but you can still keep in touch and even meet him if the new home isn't too far.
I'm always amazed on how quick the advice to report your parents and live with some other guardians comes. May sound logical but would those people ... (I don't want to single out you-it is just you who posted it in this case)...all go so easily to the authorities and give up their whole family?

Just wondering and not wanting to spam this thread with off topic stuff
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Old September 10th, 2015, 02:42 AM   #15
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I'm always amazed on how quick the advice to report your parents and live with some other guardians comes. May sound logical but would those people ... (I don't want to single out you-it is just you who posted it in this case)...all go so easily to the authorities and give up their whole family?
They wouldn't but they should.
It's not giving up the whole family, it's specifically giving up her cruel mom. She's not giving up her dad, but his home. They can still talk if they want.

I know it's difficult, your supposed to love your mom right? Not if your mom deliberately terrorize you.

Like it's not "mild verbal abuse". She attacks her disorders, to get her to say mean things back. Then her mom uses that as an excuse to get physical, while making her think that she caused this, because she's not "diciplined".

She can't possibly heal if she stays with her mom.
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Old October 2nd, 2015, 03:38 PM   #16
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Oh god! she's really crazy

Try to make her understand, that you aren't her property and she can't treat you like her toy! Like you are independent person and she must have some respect! pulling teeth out? don't understand, is this how your grandparents treated on her?

However, your tone looks like a provocation to me… (Sorry for saying that) try to be less defiant… (Sorry for saying it again, but…) try to control emotions… I think, you are turning her in self protecting, or dominating mode… and that's the problem. Like she sees threat in you… She's your mother, but she's a person as well… Maybe with your actions, you harm her pride as well? what do you think? sorry for being honest, but… what if you try to be less defiant? It's hard to control yourself, but it may work.

Talk to her, like a grown up person, make her realize, that you aren't her little girl but a grown up person… and she should have some respect… (without emotions…. but calmly) pull your teeth out? that's not how you should talk to your daughter! you try to be less defiant, and if it won't work, than problem is completely in your mother and she needs psychiatrist…
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Old October 5th, 2015, 03:58 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by ObliviousCat View Post
It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.)
Whatever discipline 'standards' she's thinking are ok aren't ok by our culture in the UK or in the USA. About 3 months ago I was there when my social worker tore a new one out of a 1st generation African dad who basically was complaining that the system wasn't supporting him in disciplining his kid in traditional ways. He was complaining he wasn't getting support and she was like 'damn right' you can't starve your child, beat them with sticks, lock them in their room for a month and stuff like that.

If US (and UK) child psychologists and social workers etc have decided something is abuse based on scientific research and evidence, then I have more confidence in thinking their advice is good advice than 'oh its fine we've always punched our kids teeth in'.

Abuse is abuse, and 'cultural differences' aren't an excuse.
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Old November 23rd, 2015, 01:16 PM   #18
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Default Re: My Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by ObliviousCat View Post
No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.
Hey,
I read your post, and could prob write an answer just as long. But the first thing I want to tell you is that anxiety and depression can be cured. It might take a long time and hard work, but it can be done.
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Old November 23rd, 2015, 03:32 PM   #19
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Hey,
I read your post, and could prob write an answer just as long. But the first thing I want to tell you is that anxiety and depression can be cured. It might take a long time and hard work, but it can be done.
There is currently no cure for depression nor anxiety, only treatment, such as medication and therapy. Either way, this was a bit of an old response, and doesn't apply to my current viewpoint. I am on medication and things have gotten much better and it has been alleviated, but there is no such thing as a cure for my disorders. They still exist.
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Old November 24th, 2015, 11:58 AM   #20
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Default Re: My Mom

There is currently no cure for cancer either, but people get medication and treatment, and they still get rid of it.
I am glad to hear that your situation is better, and hope one day you can see and begin to believe that you can get rid of your disorders.
Hope you are still getting help from your therapist.
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