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Old May 19th, 2008, 08:01 PM   #1
LifeIsMyJoke
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Default A VERY serious mental illness

This was one of the major reasons I joined this site.

This might sound ludacris, but I can assure you it is not.

A friend of mine told me he had recently been having feelings for much younger boys. He knows I'm bi, and thought I would be very understanding about it.

I acted in shock and horror, repelled at the thought, and told him to get help. That was the last time I've spoken to him. When I see him around he always looks dejected.

Now he's a nice guy, and wouldn't harm a fly, but he's 18, and telling me he has feelings for like 12 year old boys.

As far as I know he has never acted on these, nor will he probably ever. But I was wondering what I could do to help him / help a child, because pedophilia is something that I don't believe should be taken lightly at all.

Im sure many will suggest for him to get counselling, but the thing is, he's too embarassed.

Anyways, I made him feel bad, and as a result I'm slightly scared he might do something, but I can't see him bringing himself to do anything. Well, thats a big hope.

Anyways ANY help here would be great, its a shame to me, I feel like I've lost a friend, when in fact, he's lost himself to a world viewed in today's society as maniacal.

Thanks

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Old May 19th, 2008, 08:41 PM   #2
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

well I'm 13 and wouldn't know too much on this, but um, you should get him to meet some girls and tell him the consequences of those actions, if he lets those feelings come alive he could go to jail! really you should try to get him a girl that he would be really attracted to.
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Old May 19th, 2008, 08:49 PM   #3
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

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Originally Posted by Medical Kid View Post
well I'm 13 and wouldn't know too much on this, but um, you should get him to meet some girls and tell him the consequences of those actions, if he lets those feelings come alive he could go to jail! really you should try to get him a girl that he would be really attracted to.
Well i doubt hes heterosexual if he likes 12 year old boys, so 'get him to meet some girls' won't work, unless your suggesting him be converted?

Anyway, both child pornography and children having sex with an 18 year old are illegal. He could definitely go to jail if he acted on these thoughts, so watch out for him and help him steer away from that. Find some guys he would like, that are over 18
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Old May 19th, 2008, 08:58 PM   #4
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

well he might be, er, is he LifeIsMyJoke? that might help us to help you a lil
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Old May 19th, 2008, 09:03 PM   #5
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Well he would be gay if he liked 12 year old boys, which this whole thread is about
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Old May 19th, 2008, 09:12 PM   #6
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

sorry, I'm kinda new to this......
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Old May 19th, 2008, 09:31 PM   #7
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Since he brought it up to you then he is clearly scared and trying to get some help my advice is for you to tell him that you are there for him and that you will help him through this. Tell him that it's ok for him to have these thoughts as long as he just keeps it in his head. Another thing is you should try and convince him to get counseling no matter how embarrassing it is, wouldn't it be more embarrassing to be on the 6 o'clock news because he molested a 12 year old boy.
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Old May 20th, 2008, 03:36 AM   #8
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

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Originally Posted by DarkWing_T View Post
Since he brought it up to you then he is clearly scared and trying to get some help my advice is for you to tell him that you are there for him and that you will help him through this. Tell him that it's ok for him to have these thoughts as long as he just keeps it in his head. Another thing is you should try and convince him to get counseling no matter how embarrassing it is, wouldn't it be more embarrassing to be on the 6 o'clock news because he molested a 12 year old boy.
Thanks very much, that post was very helpful!

Yeah I'm sure he bought it up to me because he was scared of the thoughts going on inside his head, and I acted like a bit of an idiot.

And as long as I've known him I've always thought he liked girls, thus being heterosexual. He's never attempted to "crack on" to any guys his own age, though I can't ever remember him being with a girl either.

He's not flamboyant, even though this is a negative homosexual stereotype. So its kind of hard to tell.

And I agree especially with your last point Dark - he certainly wouldn't be the first person ever to receive counselling for pedophilia, and it would be much better than copping whatever they cop in jail.

Cheers guys, any more help is still welcome, I'm in an awkward situation here, but this is all helping =D

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Old May 20th, 2008, 12:13 PM   #9
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Well, you found out something about a friend that you didn't know, so it was shocking. And, because it's not a good thing to learn in the first place, you were doubly shocked. So, your response is both understandable and acceptable. Don't fret too much about it. However, now comes the hard part.

First and foremost, it's really important to distinguish between his sharing his feelings from him sharing an actual experience. This is really important because if he was talking about an actual experience with a 12 year old you have to respond by notifying the police, as this would constitute a very serious crime that the 12 year old needs protection from. Did he tell you he had done something or was it just 'feelings/urges'?

I'm hoping it was just that, feelings, because that means he hasn't stepped over the line and everyone is still OK. If that is the case, it might be important to seperate YOUR feelings about not suspecting this, and your feelings of disgust from the larger relationship you have with him.

People have all sorts of feelings and urges and fantasies, and although you might not agree with them or (in this case, hopefully) not share them, remember those things are really harmless (although still distressing). A thought, no matter how repugnant, cannot cause harm. It's only when people cross that line and make the thought an action that it can become a real problem.

If you had a good relationship prior to this revelation, if you liked the guy as a friend, then you might try to put his admission into context here. He obviously felt safe enought and trusting enough of you that he shared this with you. You might reconsider your decision to break off all contact, and instead have a convo with him about 1) your reaction to this, And, of course, 2) your rec that he tells a professional who will not only handle it better, but also help him understand where these urges come from, why he has them, and what to do to keep them safely on the controlled side of that line.

As we get older, our relationships with people mature, and it's not always about hanging out and having just a good time. Sometimes, friendship means that we hear things we're not expecting and we don't like. But, it also might mean that we have an opportunity to help others sort out their 'stuff', if only by being supportive of their going to the right place for help and still accepting their friendship, again, as long as it's just feelings he's talking about. Maybe this is what's going on here.

But first, make sure he's just talking about feelings and not actual experiences.
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Old May 20th, 2008, 06:56 PM   #10
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

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But first, make sure he's just talking about feelings and not actual experiences.
He specifically mentioned to me that it was just urges - I am headed to Uni next year to do Primary Teaching, so if any childrens wellbeing or safety was in jeopardy I wouldn't hesitate to report it. But I don't want to condemn a friend for, as you say, thoughts.

Its tricky, but thankyou very much for your post, and I'm considering having a long chat with him about it at some stage in the near future, if not for his sake, then for mine, and that of the kids.

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Old May 21st, 2008, 09:38 AM   #11
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

well best of luck! I hope it all turns out ok
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Old May 21st, 2008, 03:33 PM   #12
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

All of you saying he is definitely gay are completely off. There have been pedophiles who have also been attracted to girls and who have even been married to someone of the opposite sex, so don't just jump to conclusions. These could definitely just be urges, rather than full-fledged pedophilia, but it's tough to say. I would actually try and get him out there. See if you can find someone who he really meshes with. If the urges get worse rather than fade away, I would try my best to get him to see a therapist. I know from first hand experience that sometimes therapists are a waste of money, but it's worth it to try if the urges turn out to become more than just urges. You don't want him to make a mistake and act on one of these urges. It's best to just try and get him some help before he makes a mistake. Again, these urges seriously could just go away, but it's just too tough to say. As they say, it's better to be safe than sorry.

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Old June 10th, 2008, 09:14 PM   #13
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Now he isn't necessarily gay, because pedophiles can like both boys and girls. To my knowledge, what pedophiles like is the innocence and hairlessness, and there is little difference between boys and girls before puberty. So just because pedophiles molest boys, doesn't make them gay.

Sorry, writing this just makes my stomach churn. To think people could molest anyone, let alone little kids. Sorry
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Old June 11th, 2008, 08:06 AM   #14
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

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Originally Posted by thePianoMan View Post
Now he isn't necessarily gay, because pedophiles can like both boys and girls. To my knowledge, what pedophiles like is the innocence and hairlessness, and there is little difference between boys and girls before puberty. So just because pedophiles molest boys, doesn't make them gay.

Sorry, writing this just makes my stomach churn. To think people could molest anyone, let alone little kids. Sorry
Thanks man, but you have kind of misunderstood me :S

I didn't say he has or will molested any one. I feel exactly the same as you, but he told me he was scared of the possibility of this. He wants to change his ways, I'm guessing.

War Doesn't Determine Who Is Right ... It Determines Who's Left

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Old June 11th, 2008, 06:51 PM   #15
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

well good luck adam, but isnt there any way he could manage his feelings?
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Old June 12th, 2008, 04:22 PM   #16
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Here's my piece on the topic.

The fact that he recognizes the deviancy of his situation is an important factor in getting over it. I have anxiety and paranoia about stupid things, and everyone tells me that the fact that I know my worries are stupid is important.

Psychologists deal with psychological illnesses. They are trained to. If you go to a psychologist and tell them you have sexual feelings for little boys and want to figure out how to get over it, they won't call you a sicko and call the police on you. Nor will they look any different at you. Psychologists and psychiatrists are there to help you.

They are also bound by law not to breach confidentiality. They cannot tell anyone anything that goes on in your sessions unless you allow it, or it's something harmful to others or yourself - in which case they legally have to call someone. For example, if I told my psychologist I wanted to kill myself, he would legally have to either assure that I would not, or call 911 to make sure I wouldn't.

Don't go to like a school counselor or something like that. I suggest he sees a fully-certified psychologist. They will not think he's weird for it. I've told my psychologist about lots of embarassing things and he has never looked at my differently.

My toes are cold.
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Old December 16th, 2008, 05:58 AM   #17
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

hello
i think you acted in the worng way, although it would be automatic for most us seeing as its quite a dodgy subject, so you cant really be blamed. put yourself in his place, he probably feels pritty stupid now and scared that you are going to spread it. He must recognise this is a problem if he is coming for advice from you instead of acting on his thoughts, god forbid. But i do really admire you for coming on here and trying to do something, i think thats a really nice noble thing to do. maybe you could make friends with him again, he needs you and he put his trust into you. To be honest you cant guide and help him if your avoiding him. good luck.
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Old December 16th, 2008, 03:20 PM   #18
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Default Re: A VERY serious mental illness

Please don't bump old inactive threads.


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