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Old August 3rd, 2015, 08:32 AM   #1
Blue02
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Default I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Hi there.
I don't really no what I'm doing, it's kinda spur of the moment as I won't lie, I'm pretty low right now.

I've never had it easy and everything is catching up with me, so I did 'stupid' things. I did it without thinking and now I spend a lot of my free time, and time when I should be sleeping thinking about doing more of these 'stupid' actions. I call them stupid as I know what I'm doing is wrong but....it just makes me feel less like the me right now, if that makes sense. I feel as if I've lost the real me, as I have been bullied a lot, so I made myself a cocoon and tried to ignore them. then, to make friends, which I can count on my hands, I had to change myself and personality around them. Recently, I have just melted down and become someone no one wants to be around. I've done more stupid actions more regularly and have had to adapt as I can't let anyone see my 'stupid' actions.

The issue being each action has got worse I think and I feel lost, if that makes sense. I'm going into Year 11 (not sure what that translates to in other countries) and am becoming less social and more hated, I believe. I rely on little things like music to make it through a day when I'm at school.

I really want to tell someone, believe me I do, but I can't. I'll be judged and questions will be asked and I'm no where near ready for that. I'd tell my friends but they wouldn't get it and say I'm just attention seeking, then I ask myself if their worth having around then continue to spiral like this. My family is...well messed up is the easiest way to describe it. I'm the smart one that is ignored because I never have any issues which means that going to them is totally out of the option. I'd tell a teacher, but then they'd have to tell more people and then most of my teachers would know, then treat me differently leading to my peers asking questions or them telling my family.

I am sorry about wasting your time but I just needed to this out of my system. I'm the one people go to if they have issues which makes it worse for me as I then feel I can't say anything as they're worse off than me, so I just bottle up my feelings. I am sorry, I hate being a burden to others, I guess I just needed to write it down in vain hope I might feel better.

I do have one thing to ask: I'm a boy and need to cover cuts/scars, any good suggestions on how to do that? I wear long sleeved tops when I can, but I can't always, so, thanks I guess.
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Old August 3rd, 2015, 08:41 AM   #2
Abhorrence
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

I'm a male, also. I cover my scars with long-sleeve tops. I wear them all year round. You can buy pretty cheap thin ones online and from like Primark and stuff. I usually cut holes in the sleeve so I can put my thumbs through them so the sleeves don't pull up. I also wear hoodies quite a lot. Other than that, if they are scars and not cuts, you can buy tattoo concealer. It works pretty well on scars that aren't raised. It still works somewhat on raised scars but obviously if someone stares the raises can be obvious.

On here there are many people you can talk to, we are all your friends. You can definitely speak to me at any time you need to. But, seriously, if you are feeling that low please get help. It sounds difficult but professional help truly does assist. But in the mean time, people on here are available to be your friends and makeshift counsellors.


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Old August 4th, 2015, 09:20 AM   #3
Blue02
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Default

Thank you, I may take you up on the offer to talk some time. I think I just want to be alone for today, which arguably may not be the best thing, but I want to try and forget this. I will definitely try the thumb idea as I am always paranoid of my tops riding then having to come up with a excuse quickly and people not believing me, it may increase my confidence a bit.
Honestly, this has made my day. It may seem irrelevant to some, but as I said before I was in a dark place and this means a lot to me.

Thank you =D

August 4th, 2015

A new day, new issues. =(

I bought up the subject with a close friends briefly, not hinting to me one bit, and to be blunt, they completely shot me down. They told me that only stupid people will do that as there are worse off people out there. They also said that they wouldn't want to be friends with a self harmer as it would ruin their reputation for hanging out with the creep.

I'm not confident at the best of times but this really hit me hard. I went home and I just felt pain, I couldn't even cry and I really felt like I needed to cry. I don't find it easy to show emotion, and when I do I feel weak.

I guess i'm just wondering if anyone else struggles with their emotions, I know some people who do but I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them, and I am not the fittest kid out there, in fact I pretty much hate exercise as I'm really bad at it. Writing this has really made me think about my flaws, but not in a bad way. Thanks for reading I guess.

Double post merged. - Abhorrence

Last edited by Abhorrence; August 4th, 2015 at 09:35 AM.
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Old August 8th, 2015, 06:23 AM   #4
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

You're not wasting your time, and you are telling somebody about it. You're telling us. Just remember that we're here to support you, and make sure you post as much as you can, it really helps. Also use the calendar to keep tabs, and help you strive for new goals and longer periods without cutting. I'm almost at 50 and can't wait for 100 already XD

Hey guys, this is partially for me but also for anybody else who may want it; my diary: http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/fo...play.php?f=514

For those who care: I've changed my username, I used to be Yan Hearn
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Old August 8th, 2015, 10:57 AM   #5
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Thank you, I'm not managing long periods before doing stupid things, but I will try and use the calendar to encourage me. And I suppose that I am talking to people about it, so I will try to post more, when I can 'cause life seems to fight against everything positive at the minute.

I've been struggling recently, quite a bit and today I have mostly shut myself away and huddled under a blanket all day. It isn't exactly cold but it made me feel better before it felt like a heatwave struck. I want to get better yet at the same time I don't feel ready to so I think time will just have to tell. I managed 3 days without doing 'it' but I can't deny it hasn't been on my mind.

And I had a semi- breakdown, actually with tears so I think it is a slight improvement; that's the first time I've cried in 3 years I think. I'm by no means better or fixed but i'm allowing myself to make baby steps, I think

I'm not really sure about any of this, I don't know if I'm coping or not, I think I'm just confused. But thanks you for all the help, I needed this...well, at least I know that!
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Old August 22nd, 2015, 04:49 PM   #6
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

I quit. I've reached the lowest of the low and still continue to fall.

At first, I felt good, I came here and felt like I was improving. I was increasing my days between self harming and felt less paranoid, as I didn't feel like I had to hide. Then, a few days ago, I didn't feel anything and got annoyed. I spent a decent 5 hours just staring at a wall. then, I let my mind drift, and realised something was wrong, and I still don't know what. Then, I started receiving messages, and at first, it was usual, things I could cope with. Then people made it personal, so I left. I felt confused and wanted someone to talk to, who then proceeded to, to be blunt, in honesty, ignored my entire existence and told me they didn't want to be seen with a 'boffin' like me, I shut myself away, and didn't eat for 2 days (don't worry, i'm not starving myself, I'm fat and that's not gonna change any time soon and I wouldn't starve for a decent week or two). then, they started messaging me like nothing had happened, and as much as I'd love to do that I can't. I always tell people who upset me then expect me to get over it, I can forgive, but I can't forget. So, I turned off my social networking sites and haven't spoken to anyone since. In all this time, I have self harmed but believed this was just a blip, that I could do better. I then baby sat my cousins, and my worse nightmare came true. My top had lifted slightly so the eldest one, 11, had seen what I'd been doing. Luckily, he didn't get it and I told him my neighbours cat had scratched me, and he believed me.
But it gets worse, I'm going on holiday next week, and my cuts/scars are easy to conceal but I don't know if I'm going to cope. I suffer with travel anxiety making me extremely uncomfortable when travelling, and don't know if I'll be able to talk to anyone over the period of time, then I'm going into my last year of school (year 11 in England/before college) and have a lot of pressure on me. I'm expected to get A's in all my subjects, which I won't lie, I know I can do, but I get stressed and can't shake this unknown feeling. It doesn't help that I feel stupid if I don't get something and everyone else does; I've heard this is common but I just feel generally down, as then I feel people judge me.

I've looked into getting help, but I can't let my family know, which appears to be generally impossible. It would break my mother's heart to know I'm doing this, I don't have a father around (don't get me started on him) and everyone in my direct family has some sort of illness. Wherever I've inquired, as I'm not yet at the age of patient confidentiality (or something like that) , they'd be required to tell my legal guardian/parent.
And at the end of all this, I wish I could have something. I'm questioning if I'm worth spending time on. I've started daydreaming about being mute or invisible, if they would have made my life better. I'm not/ try not be outgoing and was mute longer than other children, for no reason (though teachers think it could be from bullies at a young age).

I don't know what I'm looking here for, if anything and want to feel bad for what I'm doing, I know it's wrong, but logic seems to have flown out the window. Is it normal to feel lost/confused? Thanks, I guess
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Old August 22nd, 2015, 09:05 PM   #7
Wheatley
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Hey, I'm new to this here. I've recently started as well so I can sorta relate to this.

Firstly lemme just tell you that of course you're worth the time. Life may have dealt you a bad hand, but you've made it this far, right? It's taken so much to get where you are today and academically you seem to be doing amazingly well (regardless of your background).

I understand the whole going off and getting professional help on your own thing being near impossible. I did end up getting professional help but that was because I did something stupid and everyone got involved (I had no choice). But I honestly believe professional help isn't the only nor the best source of help. Please don't under value the importance of friends and the people around you (both online and in person).

High school is stressful in general, and I get that most of your peers seem like dicks or just don't care. It takes people a lot longer to realize the value of friendship.

Just like abhorrance, I always wesar long sleeves or jackets in public / around the family to conceal evidence. Another thing I do is cut up old socks to cover the scars as well (since my socks and jacket/ long sleeve T-shirt are both black), this just helps provide more protection incase the jacket rides up for a bit.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm rambling on, I'm just typing this as I think of it. But as others have said, we're all here for you. Honestly, some of the best people I've ever met have been online, there's just not enough of a variety of personalities at high school (but this'll change when you move into the world of jobs or uni/college).

All I can say for now is keep blogging your feelings, whether it's publicly online (like here) or just as a private note on your phone (this is what I've done for years and it helps a great lot).

Hope this provides some sort of comfort

The companion cube is stuffed with dead test subjects D:
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Old September 1st, 2015, 02:33 PM   #8
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

It's been a while, if I'm honest I'm surprised people care. I know it sounds harsh, but I've grown so use to blocking everything out it feels weird...it's the only way I can describe it.

I'll be simple and to the point; I'm having good and bad days, like most people. But recently, I really feel like some part of me is missing. I've never dealt well with no knowing something, in school if I don't get something, it's a big deal to me, while everyone else just lets it slide by. And it's bothering me, and I don't know why.

My closer friends have been asking me what's wrong recently, and I tell them I'm fine. And that is the truth, I'm fine. But as I constantly tell people I'm fine..well, that's it. I'm only I'm fine. I got an A* in my coursework and the only response I could give was, it's ok. I feel like I don't fit in, which to be honest I probably don't but..I want to feel something, but I'm trying not to cut. But it's so hard. I no longer find it difficult to hide my scars; that's probably the easy bit now.

I've listened to music blocking out everyone else, but, it's hard to put into words. I know it's an addiction, but at the same time, I can't feed it as I can't just think about myself. That is one of my issues; I always think about other people. I know it would hurt them if they knew, but at the same time, I wish they knew so I could finally have someone I could open up to, yet another one of my issues, I'm secretive and will lie to protect someone. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve here, I just want to sleep. I want the 'demons' to leave me. Yet I know everyone in the position does.

I hate being shy, but with my friends I'm probably loud, but I hate that. I have so many different me's, and yet there are so many things I regret. I guess I'm lost, though people call it melodramatic. And it hurts, when someone tells me there's nothing wrong with me. How much I wish I could them what's going on in my head. I don't even know if i'm exaggerating.

I know the wonderful people here are always open to message, and I would in a heartbeat. But I have no clue where to begin. And I'd probably cry.

Thank you for people trying to help, I hope one day I can be in your position, giving advice to people, it just seems such a long way away.
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Old October 1st, 2015, 04:10 PM   #9
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Hey..I know this thread has been left for a little bit, but I really hope that you are okay. I completely understand your situation..and I also rely on music a hell of a lot most days. Friends are a massive issue for me too and I can't stand any part of school whatsoever (i'm in Year 11, and I can also relate so much to all the pressures, i'm also "expected" to get A's and A*'s which puts on a hell of a lot of pressure). I have lost all contact with my best friend (of like 10 years) this year, despite the fact we go to the same school, and that is veryy hard/weird..school is basically shite. I also completely get how hard it is for someone to say "there's nothing wrong with you": 1) because I know people who get it a lot worse than me, and 2) I think it would be a hell of a lot easier to have a physical illness. Infact, i'd prefer physical illness..I also feel guilty alot.

You should PM me sometime? Tell me how you're doing, i'm here for you, along with everyone else..and it'd be cool to share/talk music
-Rachel
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Old October 4th, 2015, 03:52 AM   #10
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

trust me you don't want to bottle up all your feelings because once that bottle breaks you'll have an amount of stress, sadness, and anger that you cant deal with becuase its been building up. also the part about something being missing in your life, I've felt it too and i think its a part of you striving to be perfect because in my head i think if one part is perfect i can work and the rest and there'll be no problems.
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Old October 4th, 2015, 03:10 PM   #11
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Thanks for all the help everyone. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel as if I'm wasting everyone's time, but I also know it's not true. I'm not sure how I'm coping, but I'm managing to keep it hidden, and have tried to get a sleep schedule back in place as I was doing ridiculous hours, near enough pulling all nighters, with a maximum of 2 hours sleep. I'm trying to cut down on my cutting, and managed to do a week before I caved.

In honesty, it's kind of a blessing being heard but not seen. No one notices me, and I like that. I hate being the centre of attention, so it's nice to just be able to sit in a corner and not worry about someone seeing my 'hurts'. But otherwise, I've had little change, and have had so many ups and downs. But hey, could be worse.

I know bottling my feelings is such a bad thing to do, but I am not an expressive person, and struggle with that. It's ironic I can vent write to people that care that I've never met, but struggle to talk to my limited circle of acquaintances/friends who actually care.
Thanks for being there everyone
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Old October 11th, 2015, 03:00 PM   #12
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue02 View Post
Thanks for all the help everyone. You have no idea how much it means to me. I feel as if I'm wasting everyone's time, but I also know it's not true. I'm not sure how I'm coping, but I'm managing to keep it hidden, and have tried to get a sleep schedule back in place as I was doing ridiculous hours, near enough pulling all nighters, with a maximum of 2 hours sleep. I'm trying to cut down on my cutting, and managed to do a week before I caved.

In honesty, it's kind of a blessing being heard but not seen. No one notices me, and I like that. I hate being the centre of attention, so it's nice to just be able to sit in a corner and not worry about someone seeing my 'hurts'. But otherwise, I've had little change, and have had so many ups and downs. But hey, could be worse.

I know bottling my feelings is such a bad thing to do, but I am not an expressive person, and struggle with that. It's ironic I can vent write to people that care that I've never met, but struggle to talk to my limited circle of acquaintances/friends who actually care.
Thanks for being there everyone
Always here for you no matter what man..and you can vent to me/us whenever. I know exactly what you mean by being "heard but not seen"..it's so often that people in society will stare and judge, but not actually listen, so it's nice on this site for it to be the total opposite
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Old November 10th, 2015, 03:59 PM   #13
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

I'm struggling and have been avoiding this, if I'm honest because I had made progress. I felt so happy, but then it hit me, again and again. If I'm honest, there is a girl I sit next to, trying to get me to tell her what's wrong, but I can't. I just can't. She is like me in so many ways, and listens to everyone else's woes, yet rarely talks herself. So I worry that if I tell her something, she'll suffer as much as I do. So I put on a fake smile, but she can see right through that, and I think she saw a previous scar, which makes me feel worse about everything I'm doing, and that she might try to help me, but that means getting an adult involved (yes, I've managed to keep it under the radar so far) which would complicate the situation. a solution to this is in a few months, I should be old enough to have patient confidentiality so could possibly tell someone then, but i'm not 100% sure about that.

next, October/November is a hard time for me. It's when my Father left, which I'm not sad about as I've had to hide so much from everyone for so long. Everyone thinks he and my Mum took just argued, but not only do I know I'm the reason for their split, but he'd take it out on me. When my friend moved away, he told me that I'd killed him, that it was my fault and then he took my childhood away from me. At the age of 5, I knew what the word Suicide meant, and how I should 'do things to myself' so I would no longer be a nuisance . But I don't want compassion for it, I've been dealt a rough hand in life but I've made it work, but it just gets me down, but I can't tell anyone. I don't know where he is today, and if my Mother found out, anything he did in my "childhood" to me, it would break her, if she even believed it- as I was little, apparently I could make these things up, but no one would try to make things up.
And I feel like my problems aren't as bad as others. One of my friends at school has made a petition for child abuse, as she has come to terms about what her childhood entailed and how she suffered so much. But when I found this out, I felt happy for her that she was publically able to show that she had beat them and that she could move on with her life, and I felt sad for her knowing that she had suffered and not told a soul. But it put things in perspective, and how pathetic my issues are, and how stupid I am for self harming, when there are people worse off than me. I feel so happy for her, but I feel so much worse.

I'm sorry but I really needed to get things off my chest, everything had bottled up again, even though I said I wouldn't let it. And thanks for all the offers to talk to people but I haven't made enough posts to private message and I don't feel confident talking about everything wrong in public, as it takes a lot to type this out without deleting it all, but it feels good knowing that you're all there supporting me.
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Old December 15th, 2015, 03:27 PM   #14
Blue02
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Default Re: I feel so.....{Possible trigger, i'm not sure}

It's been a while and as much as I could lie through my teeth, I feel as here I can be truthful here, as this community is one I trust - as in honesty, I'm hidden by a computer where nobody will know me as I do. So why am I back? I thought I could do this by myself. I thought that this was a phase and that I wasn't thinking straight. I'm not thinking straight though, and that is why I'm back. I'm not a danger to myself, well I wouldn't say I am, but when I do self harm, it just gets progressively worse. I lack the self control to keep off that feeling. I'm assuming everyone had/has one, I can't describe it, but if I could share the feeling it would be recognisable. And as much as I can hide everything, as much as people think I've pulled a muscle in my arm or walked into a doorframe, my mood is becoming more visible. It just becomes so hard in trying to put a smile on my face, to not show how I feel, as the moment I drop, everyone seems to notice. So why do I feel compelled to write out my thoughts. it helps me clear my head, to banish my thoughts away. I realise what I'm doing is not healthy, but I am unable to stop.

I've managed to limit my harming, but I just needed to let it out. I know that I shut everyone else, I know I worry over the smallest detail but I think I need to gain the confidence to try and tell someone, for my own good.
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