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Old June 21st, 2015, 01:18 PM   #1
Unlucky
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Default My dad pretends like nothing happened.

Thinking a lot about the past lately and it's eating me up inside.

I, along with my sister (2 years older than me), was molested by my cousin who was in his 20's from when I was 6 to when I was 10.
He was staying with us at the time.

I had notified my dad about this when I was 10.
My dad removed him from our home but never called the police and remained in contact with him.
He is still invited over regularly and my dad treats him like he always has.

I am mad at my dad for this. My dad argues that we're family and that your family comes first, even before yourself. That my cousin is sorry and I should forgive him.
I suppose I'm beginning to question whether or not my feelings are justified.
It has been years since the abuse took place and I'm just emotionally draining myself by feeling angry/sad whenever I see my dad allow my cousin to visit like it's no big deal.
And I suppose I'm starting to see that I might be treating it like a bigger deal than it may be.

And I guess with this I'm asking for your opinions?

Last edited by Unlucky; June 21st, 2015 at 01:34 PM.
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Old June 21st, 2015, 01:28 PM   #2
Microcosm
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

That's a hard situation to be in. It seems that you've already thoroughly discussed it with your dad, and he seems to have a different moral set when it comes to molestation then most people do. That being said, it is absolutely wrong what your cousin did to you and you should treat it as such. If your dad really cares about you, then he should be able to appreciate and accept that viewpoint of yours. Be cautious of your cousin as well and make sure you don't let him do it again.

If your cousin apologizes sincerely, then and only then should you even consider forgiving him. You don't need to forgive him unless he is genuinely sorry and willing to move on.
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Old June 21st, 2015, 09:30 PM   #3
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

When I was 11 years old, my 18 year old brother molested me. I told him to stop and he did immediately, then I went and told my mom. Later that day we had a family conversation, how we should feel safe in our home, that we shouldn't hurt eachother etc. He cried the entire time and kept saying sorry. I gave him a hug and forgave him.

I think he was just sexually frustrated and made a damn huge once in a life time mistake. Like he realized how wrong he was the moment I said stop. It's terrible that your cousin did it for 4 years.

At first, I was nervous being around my brother, but it didn't take long before I wasn't bothered by it anymore. I'm glad that my parents didn't call the police. He continud to give me gifts on christmas etc and he was more willing to give me money for candy than before, I did take advantage of that. :/ Anyways, it was good to have him around.

It would be unfair to others if your cousin couldn't come visit, because of issues that you have with him. At the same time, what happened isn't minor. They should understand and respect it if you don't want him around. In the end tho, I think to move on is what would be the best for everyone and I guess that is what your dad wants.

Has your cousin told you face to face that he is sorry? Once he does, forgiving should be "easier".
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Old June 22nd, 2015, 09:14 AM   #4
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whiztle View Post
When I was 11 years old, my 18 year old brother molested me. I told him to stop and he did immediately, then I went and told my mom. Later that day we had a family conversation, how we should feel safe in our home, that we shouldn't hurt eachother etc. He cried the entire time and kept saying sorry. I gave him a hug and forgave him.

I think he was just sexually frustrated and made a damn huge once in a life time mistake. Like he realized how wrong he was the moment I said stop. It's terrible that your cousin did it for 4 years.

At first, I was nervous being around my brother, but it didn't take long before I wasn't bothered by it anymore. I'm glad that my parents didn't call the police. He continud to give me gifts on christmas etc and he was more willing to give me money for candy than before, I did take advantage of that. :/ Anyways, it was good to have him around.

It would be unfair to others if your cousin couldn't come visit, because of issues that you have with him. At the same time, what happened isn't minor. They should understand and respect it if you don't want him around. In the end tho, I think to move on is what would be the best for everyone and I guess that is what your dad wants.

Has your cousin told you face to face that he is sorry? Once he does, forgiving should be "easier".
He has told me he's sorry but I heard no sincerity in his voice.
He told me he was sorry a lot during those four years.
But remorse only requires a mind and a mouth, he continued to abuse me despite saying sorry millions of times.
And I believe that had my dad not kicked him out he'd still be doing those things.

I don't think he's sorry for what he's done to me.
He's still a rapist as far as I'm concerned.
But I suppose for my own sake I should move on.
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Old June 22nd, 2015, 12:14 PM   #5
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unlucky View Post
I suppose for my own sake I should move on
It's probably not easy. But I think that would be the best. c:
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Old June 22nd, 2015, 12:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

What happened to you was wrong. No doubt there.
At the same time, you can't control how your dad reacts to it. You might talk to him about his feelings and find out why he reacts that way. But you probably won't change his thought process or his actions.
The only real control any of us have is ourselves. You have to decide how important it is to understand him, knowing you can't really change him even if you do understand. But, it might help to say how you feel to him, just to verbalize it. You know him better than we do, would he listen? Would it help you feel better to just say it, to get it out?

You have to think about you. Not your dad, not your cousin, not anyone else. What would help you, that doesn't require anyone else to change?
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Old June 29th, 2015, 01:05 AM   #7
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Default Re: My dad pretends like nothing happened.

If someone is truly sorry, he would do anything to try and make it right. I don't think your cousin is sorry. Especially since he's been doing it for 4 years like it's nothing.

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