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Old February 1st, 2015, 12:08 PM   #1
Deleted User
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Join Date: August 28, 2010
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Default Ick, I'm back.

And with a totally different problem! Well, sort of.

So back in 2011/2012, I was seriously starving myself. I went from about 130lbs to 110lbs which doesn't seem like a whole ton on the anorexia scale of things but I was already well-within the diagnostic criteria because of my height/weight ratio. It was getting unhealthy and I was in pain and miserable the whole time.

Anyway, somehow I managed to get myself out of this. Don't ask me how. I had supportive friends and I desperately didn't want to be sick anymore so I crawled out of that pit by myself. I was back up at 130, pushing 140, and I was okay. I could manage my original weight.

Now I'm on several medications that make you gain weight. In the past year and a half I've gained nearly 30lbs and I'm trying to ignore it but for someone with anorexia (I don't truly believe anorexia goes away, just the bad eating habits, not the impulses or thoughts which I never got professional help with) it's really, really hard not to want to break down and cry. Everyone tells me I look so good and I don't look my weight but it doesn't help. I see it, I feel it, and I do not feel good.

On top of that, I've been binging a lot. Gotta love depression when you're at home 24/7 due to being unemployed and out of school. I go back to school in September where I'm going to have to avoid campus food despite it being my main food source (I mean avoid as in try not to eat as many fries as humanly possible in eight months). I'm probably getting a job within the next couple of weeks which will have me out of the house more but oh yeah, it's at a freaking grocery store. I'm not sure how that will affect me. I'm freaking out a bit. I just don't stop eating. I eat until I feel sick and as soon as my stomach settles, I just keep eating. I'm hoping being busy again will curb that but I don't know what to do.

Every fibre of my being is screaming to stop eating but I don't know if I physically can. It's like I've gone from one extreme to another and I don't know how to look at food normally anymore. I can't talk to my doctor about this because she's gonna try to shove me into group therapy again even though we've discussed that my anxiety will just make that extremely counterproductive. Fuck.
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Old February 2nd, 2015, 08:55 PM   #2
coolweeb
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Name: Kyra
Join Date: January 26, 2015
Location: Canada!
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Default Re: Ick, I'm back.

I was put on medications and protein drinks and all that crap when I started losing weight early last year, and for a while I was actually feeling a lot better and I'd gotten myself out of bad habits and all that, but the doctors still had me gaining weight. Mind you the doctors didn't actually know I was starving myself on purpose, so maybe they didn't see it as an issue, but as my weight went up I started feeling worse about myself. I got back into the habits and I ended up pretty much where I was earlier. I got myself out of it again (don't ask me how), and convinced the doctors I was doing fine, but I don't think it ever really goes away. I kind of understand what you're going through right now though.

14 | F | poly
in love with cats, math, and myself
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