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Old November 13th, 2014, 09:36 AM   #1
eggy101
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Name: Jake
Join Date: June 15, 2012
Location: Sydney, Australia
Gender: Male
Unhappy "Friends"... Help?

Now sorry if this is the wrong place, went to white padded room and felt it was too 'deep' for there. Went to depression not 'deep' enough. Although it is family/friendship problems I am breaking down, hence 'Mental Crisis'. So move it as you will mods.

I'm going to write here, not for a solution or confirmation of my problem, but for me. To vent. To breath. To express. This will be long - I need to type it out and get it out.

So VT - Bare with me.

Before I start: This situation has more back story than the lore of 'Lord of the Rings' so Be Prepared!

So where to begin? haha. I have a group of mates that consist of about 5 of us, excluding I. This whole post, as the title alludes, centers around these people, more importantly; James, Michael and Tim [(Not their real names!)Duh!].

[I]June 2014[/I]

We play this game called "GMOD" and a particular game mode "Trouble in Terrorist Town". We have fun, we laugh. We argue and fight over certain things but in the end we smile.

July 2014

GMOD is starting to get old. We begin to merger over and play "CS:GO". James and Michael become increasingly addicted to CS:GO, to about the point where it is becoming unhealthy.

August 2014

This obessions contiues. The both begin to value in game time and items over their friends. It's getting a little much.

September 2014

James and I were actually (ironically) not close. But here he starts to realise his addiction and steps down from as much game time. .
Now would probably be a good time to establish some more back story. James and Michael are close, very close. It used to just be them two. They were so close that they were extremely touchy and a tad "un-orthodox".

Me and James start to urge michael to go out more and participate. Have fun, live. Get off that computer!

Things get worse. Michael begins to alienate his friends for his online game. Michael began to rather talk and have fun with randoms online over his real life mates. Began to ignore us, avoid us, not participate or even communicate. Now this as you can imagine was getting to everyone, but James in particular.

James comes off as a very 'dry' and 'impassive' person. He doesn't openly express his feelings and comes off as the 'tough' guy. So one night he comes crying to me (over the internet - using a VOIP like Skype). Distraught - He is beginning to come to the realization that their friendship isn't what it once was.

"James. We here are your friends! Let him be him and when he realises he will come back."

"In the meantime lets go have fun! Live! I'll show you that you don't need him to have fun (which he previously thought)"

So the following day we planned to go see a film. Which we did. But not 10mins before we were to set to go out Michael relsies something is happening (without him) and asks James if he wants to play a game of CS:Go with him (which he never gets invited to do). He declines and states "No, I'm going out." To which Michael inquisted "where?". James informed him, "To the movies". To which... Get this... James invites him. Forgets all the ingnoring, obnoxiousness and things that made him cry. To which I say

"Dude! We are trying to make a point here! But what ever."

He came, things were wierd. But eh.

Conclusion of the night: Waiting for the bus me and James plan to go to the headlands at the beach the follwoing day. We invite Michael and he says "Yeah, Sure!" So yay! We are all doing something tomorrow! Friends!

Next Day

11am (meet Time)

I meet James at the bus stop as planned. We wait 10... No Michael. "Mmm. Of corse he wouldn't come and not tell us" I say. We establish communication with him to which we got "Sorry didn't set alarm, we go tomorrow?" I am not a morning person! But I had gotten up, dressed, bussed and got to the place on time and made the effort to see my friends, as did James. But no! Not Michael. But whatever, he plays his FUCKING game all day while me and James have a nice day out.

We walk and talk for hours as we walk the cliffs of the coast of Australia.

We end at the beach. Where we recline in the sand and listen to the pumping music of the volley ball players. As we lay burnt and exhausted, checking out those sexy beach people. This is where I fucked up. I stood up for a friend, and told him I'd be his back bone more than I had been. At whatever the cost I would make sure his feelings are heard. I stood up as a friend, but screwed myself over.

We spoke more and rationalized that a good friend doesn't:

"frequent to; not talking to their friends, Lying to their friends, Avoiding their friends, Ignoring their friends, And worst off, socializing more with randoms then the people, whom actually see and whom care for you."

So what did I do? I wrote him. Wrote a heart felt letter. Every sentence and every word throughly thought out to show how much we both care and long for the old 'Michael'. This isn't obviously the conclusion given that its not November yet

So I got no reply. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. ZERO!

I was cut! Heart broken! I opened up in that letter. About me, my family problems I face and I got nothing. Nothing at all... NOTHING!

From here stemmed sleepless nights talking and crying with James.

Then James and I started to drift a bit. I was pissed that I was getting thrown under the bus by him for his realtionship. Sleepless and foodless days/nights. I layed for 6hrs, in silence and didnt move. Simply Blinked. And I thought that was bad.

I messaged Mike and expressed that not talking to me is a "cunt" move and I am hurt. And I trusted you. COME TALK TO ME! Nothing of corse. But I had no reason to be scared (well I did - but no reason to show it) James organises beach next day. Why? I I dunno. But I went. Couple days went buy and James and I spoke more. We spoke alot about sexuality and what eh has done, asked me an important question "Have you ever questioned your sexuality?" And that is when one of the most hardest and euphoric things I ever had to do occured.

"ahhh... Yeah..."
"I'm Gay :/"

He Didn;t care! WooooHoooooo no matter what happens I have one person to lean on. (Oh was I wrong) Next day I told another mate of mine (Tim) im gay. Awesome!

Day after went to the beach again, Mike was there. I told him! Wooooooo!!!! NO ONE CARES!!!!! I AM MEE!!!!!!!!!!

How great is that? All my friends support me. "In the end it doesn't matter which team you swing for because we are all playing the same game. Love."

So time went on. Me and James spoke. But Mike didn't actually seem to change. James was questioning his sexuality and that spiked some things to occur, things that had happened with Mike he had told me. And with another gentlemen.

The reason I mention that is to show how much trust he put in me that he was confident enough to tell me about his same sex sexual experience

October 2014

This one isn't exciting.

I begin to get bogged down with a lot of shit. James still, no matter what prioritizes Mike over everyone else. I start to feel more and more alone. Lots of school work and personal work. Trying to be a good son too. But I can feel this drifting down in to the darker places of my mind.

Never Suicide. Never. I want to make movies and take photos to much. That and meet some sexy dudes

But those places where you question yourself. Yourself worth, you status. friends and those who care. I came to realsie I do everything for people, constantly trying to organise movies and what not to see my beautiful friends. But I realised that, that isnt always ,my job. Sometimes others have to make effort.

So I am falling deeper in this whole of darkness and tears that is in my brain.

What kind of made realaise this was when another mate was doing something and invited everyone but me. And no one said a word. It hurt! It Burnt! It cut really, really deep.

November 2014

Me and James have an arguement. He says to me "I'm not caring anymore! I jsut want to be happy"

I handled this the the wrong way but he should understand. All the nights we spent crying, the time writing that letter, sticking my neck out to save his. ALL GONE! ALL FOR NOTHING! He was being the coward he was before. Falling back to his knees for Mike. Going back to his submissive ways, those prior ways that made him unhappy. Hows word "I was happy and having fun until I cared" That got to me! A lot! Like he was the only one who cared. Like I didnt waste all this time on him. All for what! WHAT!!!!!!!!

It's been 7days now and not a word from him. He ignors me and pretends I dont exsit. I apoligised for the way I hanbdled it but he hasnt said anything. I try and talk to tim for him to help me and he wont. He things just because I want to spend time with him because I feel alone, worthless unloved and empty that I am trying to make him chose between friends. Even though I know the choice is quite obvious.

The worst part about being so alone is how much they opened me up. Made me feel secure and took it all away. Made me though I had someone to lean on when I told everyone about the real (FABULOUS! ) me. But now I don't. I have to head back into the closet and pretend I am straight. I have no one and thats what gets to me. After all we built, or we shared ALL I OPENED!

So this is it. I sit here illuminated by the very blue hue that is virtual teens website background. In tears. Alone and empty. Ill solider on as I always do. But its hard. Hard not to tear in to them and tell them how I feel, hard not to share their secrets with the world. Hard to see them and walk past them or watch them smile with out crying.

But the hardest, the hardest of all is not having someone to hug and tell me it's going to be ok.

I know I can go out and make new friends but the thing I fear is that empty time where I am offically alone.Trying to fit in. That time where there is 100% only me and my mind. It scares me.


I have to at least leave a question I suppose. So:

What do I do? I have apologised and kept my distance waiting. What is there to do?

Sorry for how shitty this is probably written but for me I needed to do it. If you are here still, umm wow... dedication much. Thank You. I love you

I didn't re-read this. I am tired. And I should sleep when my body lets me. BUt I am sorry for that/this

Thats it. Back to my sleepless nights and lonley days.

-- Jake

16 - Gay - Let's have a chat? I like to take photo's too. Check 'em out? Link
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Old November 15th, 2014, 04:28 PM   #2
Atom
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Default Re: "Friends"... Help?

Ok... I thought I should answer in some way. I'm typing this as I'm reading. This is the third time I will be reading through this so yeah, dedication much indeed

So far this is how I see it:

Your friends are behaving like little children.

James is really confused right now (or he actually knows what he wants... If you know what I mean). I think he has a strong attraction to Michael, even though Michael doesn't care about him at all. There was something between them and now James has a hard time letting go. He opened up to you when it was hard time for him. But now, when hard times are over for him, he's "not caring anymore". I'm curious, does Michael knows, that you know?

About suicide. Why would you ever think about suicide (this one is for all who might be reading this)? There are so many good people in our time who are suicidal. Why? I understand that this may be hard, that you just want to escape from this situation. But why should you let this make you feel bad? Think about it this way. You were almost single-handedly carrying this whole thing and preventing it from falling apart. These people, who should be thanking you, are making you feel bad. You are better than them! You are stronger than they are. Don't let it affect you.
"Sometimes others have to make effort". Exactly.
You're right. Never even consider suicide as an option.

So yea... I can think only about two options: find new friends or try and get the old ones back. There are probably something else you can do but this is the only thing I can think about... Sorry. Good luck, whatever you do Hugs.
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Old November 15th, 2014, 04:54 PM   #3
SethfromMI
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Name: Seth
Join Date: October 10, 2014
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Age: 19
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Default Re: "Friends"... Help?

you can continue to try to reach out to them. but if they would rather be friends with their video games, then that is their choice. sadly you cant make them choose either way. in the meantime, as much as it may suck, it is time to start thinking about you and maybe trying to find people you can hang out with

19 | M | BI

Always Up For A Chat!


~ Seth
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Old November 15th, 2014, 11:50 PM   #4
eggy101
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Name: Jake
Join Date: June 15, 2012
Location: Sydney, Australia
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Default Re: "Friends"... Help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atom View Post
This is the third time I will be reading through this so yeah, dedication much indeed


Quote:
Originally Posted by Atom View Post
James is really confused right now (or he actually knows what he wants... If you know what I mean). I think he has a strong attraction to Michael, even though Michael doesn't care about him at all. There was something between them and now James has a hard time letting go. He opened up to you when it was hard time for him. But now, when hard times are over for him, he's "not caring anymore". I'm curious, does Michael knows, that you know?
Does Michael know that I know anything. No.

I do too think James knows what he wants/need and what is best for him but he has a hard time grasping the fact that they mean distancing from a particular person. And effectively growing up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Atom View Post
About suicide. Why would you ever think about suicide (this one is for all who might be reading this)? There are so many good people in our time who are suicidal. Why? I understand that this may be hard, that you just want to escape from this situation. But why should you let this make you feel bad? Think about it this way. You were almost single-handedly carrying this whole thing and preventing it from falling apart. These people, who should be thanking you, are making you feel bad. You are better than them! You are stronger than they are. Don't let it affect you.
"Sometimes others have to make effort". Exactly.
You're right. Never even consider suicide as an option.
Well this is what I was getting at. It solves the problem personally, quick. But isn't worth it. And it isn't an option. I was solidfying the point that I wont ever.

I do thank you for those words. When you feel alone and isolated it's nice when somone can make you feel good. So thank you.

[QUOTE=Atom;2985834]
So yea... I can think only about two options: find new friends or try and get the old ones back. There are probably something else you can do but this is the only thing I can think about...

Both of these options make me cringe. I don't need these people who do so little for me so why try and get them back? But on the other hand I don't like sitting home alone every weekend. I dont like having to step back in to the closet and trying to find new friends, trying to find a place to fit back in to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atom View Post
Sorry. Good luck, whatever you do Hugs.
Don't be sorry. I appreciate every character you wrote. And you made me smile about myself, which doesn't occur often. So again, Thank you. I like to think luck won't have anything to do with the outcome and more my actions, but ill know I have it


Quote:
Originally Posted by SethfromMI View Post
you can continue to try to reach out to them. but if they would rather be friends with their video games, then that is their choice. sadly you cant make them choose either way. in the meantime, as much as it may suck, it is time to start thinking about you and maybe trying to find people you can hang out with
Thank you for the post. I suppose the reality of what I really have to do to be happy is a sad one. But one I will have to over come

16 - Gay - Let's have a chat? I like to take photo's too. Check 'em out? Link
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Old November 15th, 2014, 11:52 PM   #5
SethfromMI
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Name: Seth
Join Date: October 10, 2014
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Age: 19
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Default Re: "Friends"... Help?

it is not always an easy choice to make I know. like I said, you don't have to give up just yet , but do what is right for you

19 | M | BI

Always Up For A Chat!


~ Seth
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