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Old October 25th, 2014, 12:42 AM   #1
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Name: Jordan
Join Date: September 8, 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Gender: Male
Default Broke Down at Work Today

I've always had attention to a certain extent as a child. My parents couldn't afford to raise me, being the oldest of three, two sisters. I've lived with my Grandparents since I was 4; I would lean back and forth and over the years I would move between houses, being my parents and my grandparents. [Had to stop for a minute - Started breaking down again.] I've always rather have stayed with my grandparents due to the fact that they gave me more attention than my parents, being financially and emotionally. The majority of my life has been me living with them. I am currently in 12 grade at this point in my life and I have chosen to reside with my parents for the time being. I have a job, barely getting by in school and have a big problem with anxiety.

Today while I was working like I usually did, my boss pulled me aside (Note: I've worked there for a year now.) and told me he clocked me out an hour ahead of my usual on Fridays (4pm-12pm) because I did a good job; "An amazing job today, I really appreciate it." - My manager's words. I nodded and went on as usual. About 5 minutes later, while relaxing I started to feel water-eyed. I'm a male in 12th grade, so this was out of the usual. I started to think my entire life over and when I realized that no one has really told me that, I had to rush to the washroom before I broke into a sobby mess. I started to feel good inside but at the same time I felt anger, depression, suicidal thoughts and loneliness all rush into my head and I couldn't stop crying for about 3 minutes.

Recently my parents and I have been in a dispute since I have taken up marijuana smoking as a way to relieve stress. It's just been a game of cat and mouse between the subject and it's really all I get attention for now. They don't think about why I use it, but the worst that could happen. I've never felt the anxiety when I lived with my grandparents, which is why I've never smoked prior to living with my parents. I've visited a doctor about the anxiety, thinking it was a disorder since it runs in the family. Tests came back negative on that. Still, my anxiety gets out of control sometimes and I almost cry or just lose my mind if I don't use the drug. When I explained to them I used it to calm myself down and get away from life, they just shot back at me and told me doctors could prescribe drugs to help, to which I told them I didn't want to be put on dangerous, addictive drugs.

I'm trying to give you guys as much details as I can so you guys can help me out with this.

So, around childhood my parents never, and I mean never enrolled me in sports, clubs, activities such as scouts or so on. My grandparents put me in bowling, which I attended for a year and achieved multiple rewards, to which I still have up to this day in my room. They were... proud I guess you could say, but I never really took it to heart. My parents never really brought it up at all. Yet my dad is in baseball and bloats about his trophies and how he has more than I do and how my sister has more than me and so on. I can't even stay after school to join clubs or lift weights at the gym to let off steam because they assume I'm out doing hard drugs with my friends. I have to pay for anything I want now, which is why I got a job because no one really gave me money for my own personal use, especially when asked. As I type this I begin to break down a bit more...

So.. sorry for the long thread, just trying to state as much as I can. I'm not sure what's going on but it's really making me depressed right now. I've booked an appointment earlier with a social worker at my school, but that won't be until Monday and this was before the breakdown.

As for the anxiety, I used to have many ways to relieving it, but over time they started to stop being as effective as they used to be. Tools such as music, video games, being with friends, discussing in general, and recently the marijuana, which has been taken from me as well.

Any ideas on what this is? And how I can deal with it?

Stop the stereotypes,
Stop the pain,
Stop the hate.
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Old October 26th, 2014, 08:39 PM   #2
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Name: Ren Hek
Join Date: February 20, 2014
Location: Land of Pulse and Haze
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 2
Default Re: Broke Down at Work Today

Goodness, that's really tough.

I have extreme difficulty regulating my emotions, even on medication, so I know that that can suck. It definitely sounds like your parents are exacerbating the problem, though.

Just a ghost

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Old January 2nd, 2015, 08:40 PM   #3
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Join Date: January 1, 2015
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Default Re: Broke Down at Work Today

I have been through the exact same things; I know what it's like especially with the suicidal thoughts. I can understand why you're having a breakdown, with your history and that with your parents. You're probably just going through a phase in your life when you're depressed. Try listening to happy music or things that make you laugh and cheer you up. Maybe get a pet to play with? Something to preoccupy your mind and distract it from the thoughts you're having now. Good luck in life -
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