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Old May 13th, 2014, 11:58 AM   #1
maddogmj77
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Default My life

This is a combined thread of http://virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=203153 & http://virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=207369, because they seem to have gotten really hard to follow.

SCHOOL:
So, in 1st grade there was a day where I fell asleep in class. When I woke up lunch was already over. So, I started crying and kicking the walls, just a basic fit. Then, I think at P.E. instead of going back to class with everybody I decided to walk off to the very furthest wall and just walk along it. Now, I have absolutely no idea what happened after that. But, somehow I ended up getting kicked out of the school. By this time i was halfway through 2nd grade. So, I got moved to a different school. I don't remember anything about the school, but I got moved again. But, at the next school I was in class one day and I just started crying for no reason and I went under a desk somehow. The teacher decided it was a good idea to take pictures and show them to everybody in the class. I wanted to just fucking punch her in the face, but I couldn't stop crying and hiding. So, I got kicked out of that school too. Then the next school had this classroom for the E.D. kids (emotionally disturbed)........ I got placed there. It was absolutely horrible. People would have random outbreaks of madness and sadness. With all that going on, I got MUCH worse. I just had really bad anxiety and I needed to just go somewhere. But, they keep you in this smaller than average classroom with about 15 other ED kids. So, whenever someone has one of their outbreaks they have an "instructional aid" (Basically a bodyguard for the teacher) take you outside and just hold you. Like, one time, he tied my sweater arms together and held them in a way that I couldn't escape. So, one day in class I decided to run outside, get a brick, and throw it through the window. Not sure exactly what happened, but I got kicked out of there too. Apparently I'm TOO E.D. for them. I then got moved to a full on ED school. By this time I was in about 3rd grade I think. For the first couple of months I did fine. There were definitely more "outbreaks" in this school. Whenever you had one, you would go to a room with NOTHING in it. All there was were small cubicles against the wall. If you moved outside of them, then you were FORCED back into them by a "hall monitor". If you kept on getting out, they would have two people grab you by each arm and put you up against a wall. They would grab each arm and lock your legs. And it FUCKING HURT!!!!! But, I didn't like being touched so whenever they did this, I freaked out really bad. I would try to elbow them in the face just to get them off of me. At this point, all I wanted was for them to let go. I didn't care what the fuck they did, as long as they just stopped touching me. But, you have to just stop resisting in order for them to let go. But, whenever they completely restrained me, I couldn't help but just want to get away. Especially when they're touching me, and I can't move at all, plus as I have mentioned, IT FUCKING HURTS!!!!! This was not just one occasion, they did that several times to me over the 3 years in there. It's not fair what they do to you in there, I would consider it abuse. I have gotten several marks on my skin from there restraints. I didn't even mention the ground restraint. They have two people, one on each side, grab your arms and lock your feet. Just like the wall restraint, but on the ground. I HATED THEM BOTH!!!!!!! I don't like not being able to move, and I don't like being touched. Anyways, there was this one time where I tried to get out of my cubicle and Mr. Hollis picked me up with both hands, forced me up against a wall, and started yelling at me, and cussing at me. I told this to my dad. The next time he picked me up from school, he asked the principle about this. The principle said something about, "You shouldn't have tried to get out of your cubicle" or something like that. I just left, RIGHT as she said that, and went to the car. My dad stayed, and when he got back he told me that he told the principle never to leave marks on me (I still had the marks a couple days later), or do that to me again. He was PISSED!!!!! After that, they didn't do the restraints to me nearly as bad as they used to. Basically, they abuse the shit out of you until you report it to someone, then they be super nice to you. Mr. Hollis came up to me and apologized to me, I didn't even care what he said. Then, in 6th grade I had this AMAZING Instructional aid named Mr.Nnamdi in my class. We would play Chess together, Wallball, and a whole bunch of other crap. He is the only reason I ever got out of that school. I was able to hold off my urges to randomly cry or hide or just go crazy.

The entire time I went through that school, I also saw a therapist. Everytime I went there, I would just sit silently, and look at the ground. They nearly diagnosed me with Autism because I never made eye contact. They prescribed Abilify which didn't help, and I stopped taking. But not because they said stop, I just didn't wanna take it anymore.

For 7th grade I was able to go a normal Middle school. But, what was weird is that I made so many more friends in the ED school than in the normal school even though the normal school has a lot more people. I was doing great until 8th grade, then everything just lost it's importance. My grades dropped, I'm late every single day, I'm depressed worse than I've ever been, and I HATE school. I keep thinking back to the ED school, and I really do think I belong there, cause I am crazy.

Brother:
I live with my dad & go to my mom's house every Saturday & Sunday. My brother lives with my dad. I also have a half-brother & step-dad at my mom's house. When I was 8-11 I used to annoy my older brother just like any other kid does (but not on purpose). He would always get EXTREMELY mad, and kinda over-reacted. At about the age of 12 1/2 (1 1/2 years ago) or so, I learned that he smoked weed. This didn't affect me much, but I kinda hated him. About half a year after this (when I was 13), we learned that he also used stronger drugs, I'm not sure the exact type. Another half a year after this, him and a couple of his friends go into our house when me & my dad were both gone. He tried to take a huge safe from my dad's room but all he could do is flip it over (what an idiot), & COMPLETELY ransacked his room. The only thing he took was a couple of coin collections. He tried to say he didn't do it & we got robbed but we knew it was him because a real robber would have taken the 40 inch flat screen T.V. in the living room & the Samsung Galaxy S4 sitting right on the desk, in my dad's room. About a month or 2 after that he stole my laptop & I REEEEEALLY hated him then, but there was nothing I could do. After that, he went to rehab, left, went back, got kicked out, went back, & got kicked out again, all in a matter of about 2-3 months. Somewhere in-between there he made a bong out of a soda bottle and tin foil. He tried to get me to try it, but I didn't. About a month after this we discovered that he also does meth. He's always paranoid, says he hears voices, & goes from super happy, to super sad, to super mad in a matter of seconds. [EX 1: He was listening to loud music in my dad's room & singing along, so my dad tells him to turn it around, and he doesn't. So my dad goes into his room and turns it off, & Ryan starts yelling about that, then after about 10 seconds yells about how nobody cares about him, then after another 10 seconds starts crying.] [EX 2: He told my dad that everybody at his NA meeting wanted to kill him (paranoia)] He stole my Xbox 360 about 2 weeks ago, but I have already had the new Xbox 1 for about a month or so. It still sucked though because I had a friend who was going to buy it from me for $100 once he got the money. I always have to put my laptop & Xbox in the safe whenever I go to sleep in fear of him taking it. I never talk to him, unless absolutely necessary. I stay inside my room just because he is in the house & I don't want to even be near him. My dad also hates him, he has made it VERY clear that the second he turns 18, unless he COMPLETELY changes his life around, is getting kicked out of the house.

Important Updates (all from "brother" thread)
---4/17/14
Apparently he just took my Xbox 1. But, I'm in Morgan Hill (2 hours away). I'm not sure on the details. Next time I see him, I am going to bash his head in with a metal pipe. You people didn't hear anything, shhhhhhhh

Seriously though, I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!! I am seriously going to beat the shit out of him if I see him again. Hopefully I'll go to a mental hospital, that'd probably be a lot of fun.

Update:
Ok, apparently Ryan and one of his drug addict friends (Andrew) got into a fight. So Andrew took my Xbox 1. I'm still gonna beat the shit out of Ryan because he let him in the house, and is friends with him, also to make up for all the other things. Maybe I can use the blade I use to cut myself, hmmmmm.

"I just wanted to let you know that the yellow sticky note you found was mine, I am bisexual. I was gonna tell you earlier in a letter like this, but I didn't. Also, all of it was true, I'm still cutting myself, and I need some kind of help. Please write a letter in response, thanks.
-Matthew"

I then have that paper folded in half, and on the front it says

"To dad; please open & read immediately."

---5/11/14 11:09PM
Alright, the letter is wedged in the door of his car that's in the garage. My mom just picked me up, and I'm on my way to her house. No going back now

---5/12/14 8:25AM
I just got home, it's about 8am. My dad has already left for work. The note didn't end up on the garage floor, so I assume it didn't just fall, and that he read it. I'm gonna go back over to my mom's house at about 5:15pm, so I don't even know if I'll see my dad today, I hope I don't, I'm WAAAAY too nervous right now. Anyways, I gotta get to school, I'll update later.

---5/12/14 5:30PM
My dad got home at about 5:00pm. but my friend was over there with me, so I think that stopped him from saying anything. My step dad picked me up about 15 minutes later to go to my mom's house. I'm hoping he leaves a letter for me to receive in the morning. This wait is KILLING ME!!!

---5/13/14 8:34AM
I'm back home, and he DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE!!!!! This is absolute HELL! I'm more nervous about telling him that I'm still cutting than bisexual. I dont even really care that I told him im bisexual now. I am just nervous, and scared, and anxious, and I all I want is a response. I'm off to school again.

---5/13/14 9:12AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dance In The Dark View Post
Maybe he just prefers to talk to you personally about it. Don't worry too much now, he will understand and you will be fine.
Thank, but that is exactly what I don't want to happen. I'm not going to be able to form a single WORD face to face. It just doesn't work for me.
Also, school started at like 8:30, it's 9:10. I don't wanna go, because I was dropped off at my house by my step dad and if I left for school RIGHT then, I would still be late. So, I don't wanna go, because I don't wanna be late. Mainly because we have block schedule (1-3-5 ; 2-4-6) and my 2nd period math teacher is meeeeean.

Update: I'm gonna wait until about 10:30, then go to school. It should be 4th period by then. I'l just go into the office, get the late slip, then go to class. But, I've been late so many times like this, that the Vice Principal had to talk to me, and told me if I was late again, I would have an in-house suspension. If that happens, I'm just never going to school ever again. Then I'll have my phone and laptop taken away for a really long time. SO, if I never respond or update, you know what happened.

As for responses, ummmm, I don't know anymore. I mean basically right now I'm just waiting for my dad to give me a response. You could comment on anything you want really. Also, I love questions, so ask away. lol

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

Last edited by maddogmj77; May 13th, 2014 at 12:28 PM.
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Old May 13th, 2014, 12:53 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by maddogmj5 View Post
school started at like 8:30, it's 9:10. I don't wanna go, because I was dropped off at my house by my step dad and if I left for school RIGHT then, I would still be late. So, I don't wanna go, because I don't wanna be late. Mainly because we have block schedule (1-3-5 ; 2-4-6) and my 2nd period math teacher is meeeeean.

Update: I'm gonna wait until about 10:30, then go to school. It should be 4th period by then. I'l just go into the office, get the late slip, then go to class. But, I've been late so many times like this, that the Vice Principal had to talk to me, and told me if I was late again, I would have an in-house suspension. If that happens, I'm just never going to school ever again. Then I'll have my phone and laptop taken away for a really long time. SO, if I never respond or update, you know what happened.
I don't wanna go to school at all now, I just realized I have PE from 12:47-2:30 (2 HOURS!!!!), and it's gonna be anywhere from 83-92F*. Also, I kinda went a bit crazy with my razor a couple of days ago, and I gotta wear shorts and a t-shirt....... I'm am EXTREMELY self-conscious about everything I do (EX: Whenever I notice how I'm walking, I walk really weird, and I try to not think about it, but it doesn't work. So, sometime, I'll find a reason to stop walking for a second), and I don't want people to see them.

I don't know what to do, cause I don't wanna get in trouble, but I don't think there is any way to escape it now. I could either, A: go to school and just walk straight into class, risking having them send me to the office. B: Go to school, walk straight into the office, get a note, and then go to class. But, the people in the office KNOW me because I'm late so much, and because I'm an Office TA. Or C: Stay home all day, and hope nobody finds out.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

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Old May 13th, 2014, 03:00 PM   #3
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Well it's 1 0' clock now, I'm not going to school.
I shouldn't have fucking done this, I don't wanna get in trouble. But it's too late now.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."
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Old May 14th, 2014, 11:37 PM   #4
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Alright, I think I just blew my shot. My dad came into my room, put a chair down, and told me to pause the video. I knew he was about to talk about something serious, it HAD to be the letter. I got so nervous, that I just kept on watching the video. I did that for about 3 minutes while he sat behind me. Then my friend Brian knocked on the door, I hurried off and answered it. I let him come in, and we starting watching some videos together, and dad went back in his room. He saved me big time. Now it's been about 5 hours since he left and I'm doing absolutely nothing right now. He has the perfect opportunity to talk to me, but I think he forgot. I don't want him to forget, but I DO NOT want to talk in person.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."
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Old May 16th, 2014, 12:58 AM   #5
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dad came into my room right after we got home and I was laying in bed, I didn't anticipate this. He just asked me, how long I'd been feeling this way. (I assume he was taking about being bisexual). I tried to come with a response, and I did, but I just couldn't quite say it. So I just sat there until he told me to write everything down on a piece of paper and bring it to him. Which I did. He hasn't done or said anything in response yet. I'm on my way to my mom's house right now.
He also asked why I was depressed. (He found out I was depressed and stuff by going through my texts like a month and a half ago) He said he wanted to know so he could figure out what kind of therapist to go to. So, I'm happy that he knew what I meant by "help"

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."
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Old May 16th, 2014, 11:23 PM   #6
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So I texted my dad asking "So, what are ya gonna do about...?" that's the best I could come up with. He said "There's nothing we can 'do', but I have some questions for you, and we can talk more on Saturday" "Or I can talk, and you can write"

I never responded, cause I couldn't come up with anything, and cause I didn't want to

UPDATE 5/18/14 12:05AM: I'm at my dad's house now. My dad hasn't said anything, and I'm not gonna bring it up. I guess I'll just have to wait.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

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Old May 18th, 2014, 05:53 AM   #7
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I hope this isn't harsh But talk to your dad it sounds like he cares and is trying just talk to him after all hes your Dad and Family.

Why bother hiding who you are i can understand it been hard to say certain things and i felt that way but it helped me Telling my mum after not talking to her about my problems.
And what's to lose by telling him your Depressed and could use some help if you indeed want it?.
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Old May 18th, 2014, 06:49 AM   #8
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Remember, there are waay too many help and advice people on here to go with stuff like this untold. And there are waay too many people willing to try to help and advise to let this go untold, either. Please don't forget that to all thing must come an end, even this shit about ED schools and the druggie bro. Just let your dad get through and stop throwing gates and moats before him. He just wants to help, and the sooner you let him, the sooner this could have its end as well. What's the worst tht could happen? What's the best that could happen? What is the possibilities, and what is most likely to happen?

If you go on like this, he will think that you don't trust him.

And that has the power to devastate any parent's mind.

Hi. I'm Daniel. PM or VM me. I got many social media links

I'm open to anything, be it questions or answers, or anything in between.

Why the name? Personal reasons. Ditto, motherfuckers.

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Old May 19th, 2014, 03:10 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The DragonRider View Post
Remember, there are waay too many help and advice people on here to go with stuff like this untold. And there are waay too many people willing to try to help and advise to let this go untold, either. Please don't forget that to all thing must come an end, even this shit about ED schools and the druggie bro. Just let your dad get through and stop throwing gates and moats before him. He just wants to help, and the sooner you let him, the sooner this could have its end as well. What's the worst tht could happen? What's the best that could happen? What is the possibilities, and what is most likely to happen?

If you go on like this, he will think that you don't trust him.

And that has the power to devastate any parent's mind.
Well, who said I trusted him? And I'm not sure what you mean by that, trust him for what? But anyways, I really don't like to trust people, and very much enjoy solitude. So, I don't know if that says anything about me, but yeeeeah....

Dad came into my room again. He asked how exactly I came upon this feeling of being bi, if I noticed it by just being around people, experimenting or something else. He worded it pretty weirdly and asked me if I knew what he meant. I tried to answer, but I just can't. So I just kinda made a positive groan or something, and he left. That was at about 6pm or so. I didn't even bother getting out a piece of paper cause I couldn't didn't wanna answer. I don't know what to say, it's just so weird. I kinda have an answer, but it's just........weird.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

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Old May 19th, 2014, 11:04 AM   #10
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Just hang In there. Were here for u
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Old May 19th, 2014, 11:06 AM   #11
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Just hang In there. Were here for u
Thanks, but I need help. I don't know what to do right now.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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Old May 19th, 2014, 11:25 AM   #12
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Thanks, but I need help. I don't know what to do right now.
Just talk to him face to face, my parents confronted yesterday about my sexuality. They asked me why i watched gay porn. Your dad is the best one to talk to no matter what
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Old May 19th, 2014, 11:55 AM   #13
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Just talk to him face to face, my parents confronted yesterday about my sexuality. They asked me why i watched gay porn. Your dad is the best one to talk to no matter what
I really try, but I just can't do it. I try and make sentences, or look at him, but I CAN'T DO IT. I don't know what to do.

I'm at my dad's house right now, school started over an hour ago, I'm not going. Partly cause I didn't get that much sleep, and partly cause there's just not enough time to myself. I'm always going back and forth between my dad's and my mom's, and have NO time to myself. Here's my very confusing schedule.
Monday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Tuesday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, stay there
Wednesday: Stay at dad's
Thursday: Go to mom's house at 5PM
Friday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Saturday: Dad picks me up at 7pm-ish
Sunday: Go to mom's house anywhere from 5-10PM
My dad works like 5am-5pm or something, so when I arrive at my house, my dad isn't there.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
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"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

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Old May 19th, 2014, 12:05 PM   #14
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Oh, I'm the same type of person. Much more of a solitary angel. I juat thought you have to tell him cuz he's not a woman, since women can't keep secrets. However, you have to let it out somewhere, be it in a temporary fit, or whatever, you can't bottle up your emotions forever.

Hi. I'm Daniel. PM or VM me. I got many social media links

I'm open to anything, be it questions or answers, or anything in between.

Why the name? Personal reasons. Ditto, motherfuckers.

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Old May 19th, 2014, 12:09 PM   #15
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I really try, but I just can't do it. I try and make sentences, or look at him, but I CAN'T DO IT. I don't know what to do.

I'm at my dad's house right now, school started over an hour ago, I'm not going. Partly cause I didn't get that much sleep, and partly cause there's just not enough time to myself. I'm always going back and forth between my dad's and my mom's, and have NO time to myself. Here's my very confusing schedule.
Monday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Tuesday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, stay there
Wednesday: Stay at dad's
Thursday: Go to mom's house at 5PM
Friday: Arrive at dad's house at 8AM, go to mom's house at 5PM
Saturday: Dad picks me up at 7pm-ish
Sunday: Go to mom's house anywhere from 5-10PM
My dad works like 5am-5pm or something, so when I arrive at my house, my dad isn't there.
i had to talk to my parents cause they seen me watching gay porn. They cornered me. I told them i was gay cause i always preferred gay porn and had actually had a few crushes on some guys, but never any girls. As for u, try to get him to bring it up, that's what i did. Go from there. Plus, when ur dad gets off work, I'm sure he's tired, so that's probably the best time to talk cause i doubt he'll want to talk to long, so do it then.
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Old May 19th, 2014, 09:38 PM   #16
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I don't have anything to add besides what I've said in one of your other threads, but I just want to reassure you that it will get better. It's hard now but please hang in there, whatever you do. It can't be dark forever.

If you're scared to talk to him face to face, write him a letter or email or something. If you can't say it out loud, write it. It sounds like your dad cares, and if you're not around when he his, call him when you have a chance. Or write. Never a harm in writing.

Don't hesitate to drop me a PM if you ever need someone to talk to. You can do it.

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Old May 19th, 2014, 09:39 PM   #17
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I just thought you have to tell him cuz he's not a woman, since women can't keep secrets.
ummmm, WTF?!

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Originally Posted by Jack russell dad View Post
I had to talk to my parents cause they seen me watching gay porn. They cornered me. I told them i was gay cause i always preferred gay porn and had actually had a few crushes on some guys, but never any girls. As for u, try to get him to bring it up, that's what i did. Go from there. Plus, when ur dad gets off work, I'm sure he's tired, so that's probably the best time to talk cause i doubt he'll want to talk to long, so do it then.
Wow, I would just stay in my room until I died if that happened. I never see my dad right after he gets home. My stupid schedule doesn't allow it, lol.

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Originally Posted by xXl0sth0peXx View Post
I don't have anything to add besides what I've said in one of your other threads, but I just want to reassure you that it will get better. It's hard now but please hang in there, whatever you do. It can't be dark forever.

If you're scared to talk to him face to face, write him a letter or email or something. If you can't say it out loud, write it. It sounds like your dad cares, and if you're not around when he his, call him when you have a chance. Or write. Never a harm in writing.

Don't hesitate to drop me a PM if you ever need someone to talk to. You can do it.
That's what I've been doing, but this question is just weird, and I don't wanna answer for some reason.

Anyways, I'm at my mom's right now. My 11 year old step brother Kyle just walked in, kinda yelled "MATTHEW'S BI!", but he didn't even pay any attention to me, just put his shoes on, got a jacket, and walked back outside. So I'm sitting here like "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!". I think he was just joking, but I really don't know what to think.

Oh and also, I'm 9 days free from cutting *sarcastic "yay"*. One more day, and I'll beat my record. It's just that no matter how long I last, I never really feel any sort of accomplishment, I guess that's why I just give up after a while

Matthew - 17 - Gay
Feel free to message me

"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

Last edited by maddogmj77; May 20th, 2014 at 10:26 AM.
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Old May 20th, 2014, 05:47 AM   #18
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Maybe after he picks you up, from school or your moms, try to direct a conversation in that direction.
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Old May 20th, 2014, 10:23 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Jack russell dad View Post
Maybe after he picks you up, from school or your moms, try to direct a conversation in that direction.
He doesn't pick me up from school. The only time he picks me up from mom's is on Saturday around 7PM. Otherwise, I barely even see him anymore. I'm either at my house alone, or at my mom's. I only see him from Saturday 7PM - Sunday 7PM-ish. So basically I only see him one day a week, even though I technically live in his house, (I don't even have my own bed at my mom's house). It used to be that I would only go to my mom's house every friday evening, and come back Sunday or Saturday. But now because I'm getting to school late everyday, he's making me do this.

Matthew - 17 - Gay
Feel free to message me

"Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on."

Last edited by maddogmj77; May 20th, 2014 at 10:40 AM.
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Old May 20th, 2014, 11:05 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by maddogmj5 View Post
He doesn't pick me up from school. The only time he picks me up from mom's is on Saturday around 7PM. Otherwise, I barely even see him anymore. I'm either at my house alone, or at my mom's. I only see him from Saturday 7PM - Sunday 7PM-ish. So basically I only see him one day a week, even though I technically live in his house, (I don't even have my own bed at my mom's house). It used to be that I would only go to my mom's house every friday evening, and come back Sunday or Saturday. But now because I'm getting to school late everyday, he's making me do this.
When he picks you up, get a conversation started, and then try and veer it into the topic of your sexuality. I'm sure he'd be tired, so it shouldn't be that hard. Given your schedule would allow it.

And you said your younger brother screamed that your bi, just ignore him. No shame in your sexuality. Karma will get him back, believe me, it will.

Last edited by Living For Love; May 20th, 2014 at 11:10 AM. Reason: Merging.
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