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Old March 11th, 2014, 04:41 PM   #1
Karkat
Knight of Blood
 
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Name: Ren Hek
Join Date: February 20, 2014
Location: Land of Pulse and Haze
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 2
Exclamation Manic Episodes and Breakups (possible TW because it's intense)

Ok, little disclaimer, especially just for me posting in general over the next little bit, I had to deal with something extremely traumatizing last night.

Before I share, I'd like to ask, does anyone with bipolar/a bipolar type disorder ever get the urge to break up with their SO over the slightest little thing when manic? I know you tend to make a lot of reckless BIG decisions, but I didn't know if this was a common thing.

Anyways, last night somewhere along the line I got really self absorbed. At one point, I sent my boyfriend a nasty text, essentially to end our relationship. Then more nasty texts. Then I moved on from it.

I felt like nothing I could do was wrong, and everything was really good. I let go of being mad, being sad, and at one point I altogether denied being mentally ill- ESPECIALLY denying being bipolar/something like it.

I messaged my friend because I was bored, nothing seemed cool enough to do. Didn't want to listen to music, didn't want to watch tv or play videogames, didn't want to post here or get on the computer, I wanted to LIVE. Do something EXCITING. I almost flat out took my bike and rode to a gas station a few miles away, but decided against it.

So I told him I broke up with my boyfriend, blah blah blah, and he seemed calm, but concerned. Eventually he told me that his mom (who deals with a lot of bipolar people I guess? I don't know if she's a psychologist or not) said that she had heard literally everything I was saying to him from bipolar people before. And he kept trying to bring me back down to reality, which turned in to me changing from ecstatic and excited to LIVID. Obviously there's only so much screaming you can do over Facebook messaging, but I called him some pretty horrible things.

Eventually, he tried to throw in the "this isn't how you actually feel about your boyfriend" card. He kept pushing it, and pushing it, and I went and felt from saying that I didn't care to SOBBING and SCREAMING. (Except I was literally crying too hard for much sound to come out) I'd start punching myself, pulling my hair, hitting my head against things, threatening to kill myself, saying extremely depricative and violent things about myself. Eventually it turned from anger to horror and paralyzing fear. First I felt like I was going to die (I took quite a few ibuprofen, enough to possibly do a little damage, but not enough to kill or seriously hurt myself, which I was fairly aware of, but still a little paranoid because I was in extreme pain and I felt dead inside.) Then I sent text after text, call after call to my boyfriend.

I thought he was dead. At one point, I was literally GRIEVING, because I was positive that he'd read my texts and killed himself. And my numerous wall of unanswered texts and calls that went to voicemail just kept reaffirming this. However, I didn't give up on him. Eventually I was just in so much pain, both emotionally and physically that I started to black out here and there. Then, finally, after about an hour of trying to get ahold of him, if not more, he answered my call. (This was at like, five in the morning, so he was confused and sleepy.) I couldn't talk to him. I mean, a wave of relief rushed over me. It was kind of anticlimactic because I had entirely drained myself emotionally at that point, but I was still happy to know that he was alive. Then, he texted me a few times, reassuring me that he was alive, but didn't like hearing those things. Then, I promptly passed out for a few hours.

I mean, I think had I not done all of this, I would've still been awake, because I was coming up on 48 hours awake, full of energy, still fairly hyper, no sign of sleepiness, but thinking that the love of my life was dead because of me drained me. I mean, even though I spent HOURS sobbing uncontrollably, I was still alert, still very awake. In fact, I think I cried more than I've ever cried before last night.

Even after only having been asleep for a few hours- after all those hours awake, I feel really energized. And I feel good in a way, I just feel kind of emotionally drained and confused at the same time.

I have no idea where my relationship stands with my boyfriend right now (which terrifies me, but at least he's ok) and I'm still kind of recovering from everything.

I mean, last night was kind of the turning point, I feel like I definitely need to talk to someone about this. I even hinted at my mom about being bipolar this morning (Of course she doesn't think I am- but I never tell her anything and I'm always in my room, so of course she never knows what's going on.)

I was sort of kind of diagnosed with possible bipolar disorder when I was 14, but that was years ago, and my circumstances have changed so much. I don't even know if I'm bipolar really, I just know it HAS to be something like it. I usually feel like "If this isn't what this is, I'm crazy" and I'll just get punched in the gut with fear, but I KNOW that what I'm dealing with has to do with this now. I'm positive of it.

I just know that I really need help one way or another, because I can't deal with things like this. I just can't be so out of control of myself. I have to stay in control for my job, and so I don't get further emotionally abused by my parents, or have to live with my dad or something, I just try to hide all of my problems from them because I know that they'll make it worse and that's a nightmare I don't want to experience.


Just a ghost

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