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Old March 1st, 2018, 12:31 AM   #1
NotQuiteANerd97
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Name: Anthony
Join Date: October 30, 2015
Location: Phoenix
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Default I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate being alive.

I just need to vent. Honestly my problems are nothing compared to the rest of yours. I don't even have clinical depression, I'm just an overthinking mess.

I'm a sophomore in college. I live on campus in an apartment. It's nice I guess, I get decent grades and tolerate my classes, but I'm so damn lonely and it's ruining me.

Literally all I've done is make random fuck buddies on Grindr and go on singular dates with girls before they say something like "I like being single" or even better, they'll always be busy and never have the time. I wish people had the guts to tell me they don't like me.

But that's the thing, if I saw myself from the third person I would think I'm a cool guy, I just utterly suck at finding any kind of real love. And to me that's pathetic.

But you know what's more pathetic? Bitching about it. Look at my roommate. He's a slob who just eats tons of food, plays Mario or some shit, listens to trap music, and sleeps. And he doesn't care about any of this. He accepts himself and just lives for the moment. But me, a guy whose friends call "pretty handsome" just fails and fails and can't stop thinking about it. No grown man should bitch about being single. It's childish and stupid, I wish I didn't care.

I will not kill myself ever. To me it's selfish. Plus, I love my family. They've been getting along better than ever and for me to kill myself would ruin everything for them. They would lose more than I would. I doubt I have much of a future besides getting a mundane job and going on random vacations with them.

It's a shame that the only person who can carry on the family bloodline is so terrible at this. That being said, as much as I love them, I blame them for failing to raise me as a real man. They're left wingers and believe that if you have a problem, it's always someone else's fault and they should feel guilty for it. They never taught me how to be assertive and dominant.

They raised a beta male.

I've been through two therapists, a Korean lady who barely spoke English and always brought up church, and an old lady who hasn't a clue what the average young man faces nowadays. Now I'm with this psych grad student on campus and I guess things might be better, but it's too early to say.

I just got off of Effexor (anti depressant), and now I'n on Clonazepam, an anti anxiety. I've already missed a few doses because my stupid ass didn't close the cap properly, I spilled them on the floor accidentally and now I'm waiting for a new bottle because they're covered in hairs and my dumb ass tried to wash them and they got all powdery.

I like myself in a lot of ways, but I think I'm a moron in others. I almost feel like a broken computer who needs to be rebooted. Recently, I've been thinking of enlisting in the military, possibly the Marine Corps. I feel like a failure as a man and I want to be deconstructed and remade into a real one.

Hell, I look at half the guys on campus and get jealous. I'm not as tall, clear skinned, athletic, or talented as they are. I'm a permanently pubescent freak. Most of my body is great, but my face is a monstrosity that screams "swipe left", and that's mostly been the case.

I haven't been in a serious relationship since I was 15, and back then I was an awkward loser. How the hell have I not moved onto something better being as better as I am now?

I hate the fact I crave love when I don't need it. I'm an extrovert who finds most people boring, but craves validation. I hate it.

I just want the pain to be numbed, maybe more meds will do it.

Hell, none of you can help. Doubt it.
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Old March 1st, 2018, 11:29 PM   #2
Uniquemind
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Default Re: I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate being alive.

You’re right none of us can help, if your definition of help is for us to do it for you.

But I think the obvious first step is to build a tolerance to failure AND to stop blaming yourself.

I think in general I think relationships are also really hard to start partly because everybody is buried in their phones, in fact when I was touring colleges and walking and observing current students even my parents noticed the contrast of how people don’t socialize the same way their generation did in the same campuses they were students at once upon a time.

So I think you need to understand that variable and take your romantic rejections with less hurt. At least you get farther than many other guys who can’t really even approach or even establish a friendships with benefits situation.

I also really think it’s important evaluate your date partners as well. What I mean by that is you need to know where you want to go in life and where they see themselves; the purpose being is that at that point it establishes if it’s temporary fling, or something that goes in a more serious direction, it’s hard to find 17-19 year olds interested in a serious relationship, partly because of a negative stigma around marriage, and partly because 17-19 or even early twenties people are poor and don’t know themselves yet, or if they do their worries are about a college or car loan, classes, and living expenses.

Last edited by Uniquemind; March 1st, 2018 at 11:39 PM.
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Old March 2nd, 2018, 12:12 AM   #3
ImagineRepublicCity
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Default Re: I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate being alive.

I'm not sure if you're really asking for help or not, but I'll say this anyway.

The first thing you need to do is, as you said stop blaming. This isn't a blame game, it's life. Don't go blaming yourself for this, don't go blaming yourself for that, don't go blaming school, friends, family, etc for all that happens. It's happened, it's the past. Look towards your future self.

It's true that the way your parents raise you influence the way you interact. If your parents told you that people with blue eyes were horrible and you must never talk to them, they are rude, etc, then 80% of the time you're going to think this is true for a large portion of your life, but the 20%? If you TRULY think something is wrong, if you truly feel that the way you think and act is not correct or it is unusual, YOU have to make the effort to change yourself.

It's okay to bitch about let's say for example your weight. You could feel horrible for gaining a lot of weight, by eating unhealthy and needing to lose it. However, the difference is actually doing something about it and just bitching. Make the effort. If you want someone to notice you as a good person to date, you have to make the effort. Look good, feel good, feel confident, read up tips, just do something. Every time you do something, you are already ahead of your past self, so do it.

You know when people say you have to "fake it until you make it," it kind of relates to having friends and relationships too. I used to hate high school with a passion and made zero effort to make friends. I broke friendships and I didn't give a shit. I still don't feel confident talking to others, but it's the only way to make friends. What's the point of hoping others to come to you. You're going to find shitty people you just don't like, but kind of just stick with it. So long as they're not being mean to you, you will find other connections with people you actually enjoy being with.

Lastly, there are a lot of councilors and psychologists out there, but a lot of them will suck; To you anyway. Literally the way they speak, the way they throw opinions out, the way they dress, the way they move, the way they look, it all changes the way you interact with them. You will find someone you feel comfortable with. I know I did eventually.

"Nyx, Nyx, Nyx, Nyx, Nyx"


I'm not very active, but if you need someone to chat to, PM me.

Dota 2 Enthusiast | Pre-Service Teacher | Lazy | Writer
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Old March 2nd, 2018, 01:21 AM   #4
Uniquemind
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Default Re: I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate being alive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImagineRepublicCity View Post
I'm not sure if you're really asking for help or not, but I'll say this anyway.

The first thing you need to do is, as you said stop blaming. This isn't a blame game, it's life. Don't go blaming yourself for this, don't go blaming yourself for that, don't go blaming school, friends, family, etc for all that happens. It's happened, it's the past. Look towards your future self.

It's true that the way your parents raise you influence the way you interact. If your parents told you that people with blue eyes were horrible and you must never talk to them, they are rude, etc, then 80% of the time you're going to think this is true for a large portion of your life, but the 20%? If you TRULY think something is wrong, if you truly feel that the way you think and act is not correct or it is unusual, YOU have to make the effort to change yourself.

It's okay to bitch about let's say for example your weight. You could feel horrible for gaining a lot of weight, by eating unhealthy and needing to lose it. However, the difference is actually doing something about it and just bitching. Make the effort. If you want someone to notice you as a good person to date, you have to make the effort. Look good, feel good, feel confident, read up tips, just do something. Every time you do something, you are already ahead of your past self, so do it.

You know when people say you have to "fake it until you make it," it kind of relates to having friends and relationships too. I used to hate high school with a passion and made zero effort to make friends. I broke friendships and I didn't give a shit. I still don't feel confident talking to others, but it's the only way to make friends. What's the point of hoping others to come to you. You're going to find shitty people you just don't like, but kind of just stick with it. So long as they're not being mean to you, you will find other connections with people you actually enjoy being with.

Lastly, there are a lot of councilors and psychologists out there, but a lot of them will suck; To you anyway. Literally the way they speak, the way they throw opinions out, the way they dress, the way they move, the way they look, it all changes the way you interact with them. You will find someone you feel comfortable with. I know I did eventually.
I am told finding the right therapist, is like shoe shopping, you have to find the right price, and fit for what your day to day walk through life entails for you.
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