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Old April 5th, 2018, 11:31 PM   #1
gherkin2pickle
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Name: Bre
Join Date: July 24, 2016
Location: Neverland
Gender: Female
Default Feelings of Insecurity are Returning

NOTE: This is a long post with a fair bit of rambling. Really, this post doesnít even have a legitimate purpose. I just need to say (or rather, type) what is on my mind. Please donít read if you have something important to do or if there is someone else on the forum who needs you.

Anyways, on with the predicament.

My best friend just told me that she and her boyfriend had sex for the first time. Now, a bit of backstory on the both of us. Weíre Juniors in high school (Iím 16, sheís 17), and a year ago, neither of us had any interest in relationships. Like, ever. We never planned on finding a special someone for the rest of our lives. We had both accepted that weíre super awkward and insecure, and would be better off alone. But, about eight months ago, one of my other friends surprised me and asked me out. And I said yes. We had our first kiss just over a month ago. And my best friend... well, she and her boyfriend have been dating for a couple of weeks. It took them a couple of weeks to have sex. It took my boyfriend and I seven months to kiss.

I understand the whole spiel about ďgoing at your own pace,Ē and I agree with it. Everyone is different. But you see, thereís something else about me you should know. My insecurity isnít just a superficial thing. Ever since seventh grade, I have struggled deeply with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, self harm, anorexia, so on and so forth. While it was only severe for about a year and a half, none of those things have ever truly gone away. At the moment, Iíd say Iím in my self image ďpeak,Ē as it were. I donít know if Iíve ever been happpier. But, when she told me that she had lost her virginity, already, I just kind of snapped. I began going back to all of those memories from before. Not good enough, not pretty enough, no one will love me, Iíll never be able to please anyone, the gist. Iíve started thinking... when the time comes that my boyfriend is ready to have sex (and honestly, I wouldnít be surprised if itís relatively soon), I will NOT be ready. Just the thought of it makes me shut down and cry. Iím not scared that he will force me into anything; Iím scared that I will not be able to satisfy him. All heís ever done is care for and love me. He is so amazing like that. Me, Iím not the most lovable or affectionate type, mostly because Iím not confident enough. And when the time comes that he wants to show me how much he loves me in a different way, I wonít be able to return the favor. I want to be close to him, I want to be able to satisfy what he wants. But I know Iíll never be able to. I briefly mentioned this to my friend, that Iíd be too insecure to have sex with my boyfriend if and when the time came. She said that it isnít as hard as I think itíll be, and that Iím overthinking it. And maybe I am. But I just KNOW that Iíll never be ready. I feel it in my gut. Iíll never be comfortable enough with myself, never confident enough in myself, to do something like that.

She thinks that part of the reason I have a hard time dealing with the thought of sex is that Iíve never really been exposed to the topic. My family is EXTREMELY religious, and any topic that is remotely sexual is taboo, and my sister and I were always told not to ask about it (past tense because my sister is older and has moved in with her fiancťe - itís just me and my parents in the house now). Conversely, my best friend is very acquainted with the subject. Her family was never afraid to talk about it, and she has two older sisters who have talked to her about their experiences multiple times. My best friend is comfortable with the idea. But me? I couldnít even say the word ďsexĒ until tenth grade started. Iíve been getting better, but still. Itís very hard for me to discuss because I went so long with getting yelled at for even mentioning it.

Another big part of it is that the places I harmed the most over the course of seventh grade to now was my thighs. The skin is positively mangled, there are so many scars. Nobody has ever seen them before. If I were to have sex, he would see them. I havenít told him about how depressed and suicidal I was. Iím not sure I ever could. I think for him to find out by seeing scars on my thighs in the midst of an intimate moment would be the worst possible way for me to tell him.

If leave myself to my own thoughts regarding ever being in the situation where my boyfriend wants to have sex and I just simply CANíT (even though Iíd want to as well), my mind goes dark. Iím thinking about cutting later tonight, when I go in the bathroom to take a shower. I havenít cut in almost a year. I donít want to, but I feel as if it is the only thing that will take my mind away and distract me from the terrible scenarios playing through my head right now. I want to talk to someone, but my best friend is so giddy about what has just happened to her. I donít want to drag her down with my own burdens and problems because I canít handle them on my own. Thatís not fair to her. She should have her moment of happiness. If I know her, sheíd blame herself for my negative feelings. I donít know what to do. Thereís no easy way to fix this - and Iím too scared to try.
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Old April 7th, 2018, 10:14 AM   #2
Ilove318
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Name: Nirvana
Join Date: January 5, 2018
Location: Camelot
Age: 13
Gender: Female
Default Re: Feelings of Insecurity are Returning

I'm so sorry, to hear this, and I can't say much as I am only 13 and my family is similar to yours, but I hope you read this still.

I'm in Year 8 now and last year was the hardest year of my life. I suffered and still do from all the things you mentioned in your post. I have scars in similar places and it terrifies me to think someone will see that someday. But from what I have read about your boyfriend, he seems like a great guy and very trustworthy. If you feel comfortable, you should tell him about your problems, so he can help you. From what I read, I'm sure he will do his best.

The conversation will be very hard, I know, but I how you do it. I always wish there was someone I could tell about my predicament, but I truly have no one. I wish you all the best!
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Old April 7th, 2018, 10:21 PM   #3
gherkin2pickle
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Name: Bre
Join Date: July 24, 2016
Location: Neverland
Gender: Female
Default Re: Feelings of Insecurity are Returning

Thank you for your advice ❤️ I’m trying to work up the courage to tell him. I just don’t know how I would go about it. I feel like this is something that should be said in person, but I’ve never been able to talk about something serious like this in person before. I get too panicky when the person is actually there with me. I’ve considered telling him over text, but I can’t get over the idea that it should be in person. I don’t know. I’ll figure something out. Thanks for reading and listening to me ❤️ And I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through similar issues. I know how hard it is. If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to talk to me ^.^ I’d be more than willing to offer my help.
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Old April 9th, 2018, 06:42 PM   #4
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Join Date: March 25, 2018
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Default Re: Feelings of Insecurity are Returning

Talk to him. The best thing you could do with your partner is have an open space and make sure that it's established. You wouldn't want him to hide that from you-would you?

One of the biggest regrets I'd ever had with my ex-girlfriend was that she was very open and I wasn't as open. There has to be that sense of consistency with one another in order to be functional.

Also, don't rush having sex if you don't feel like you're up for the task. Everyone starts whenever they feel it's suitable. I think that he'd appreciate your input.
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