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Old February 17th, 2018, 02:35 AM   #1
Solvez18
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Default My ex became the worst friend I could have

Hey VT. I'd just like to know what you guys think of my situation and what I should do.

I've made countless threads about this person because for some unknown reason throughout the years they've truly meant something to me and I've always cared about them as more than a friend. But the story is I met this girl who was excellent friends with me for months and when I was sure how we felt about each other I told her I liked her more than a friend. We ended up in a relationship for a short time (About 2-3 months) and she ended it because she wasn't really ready to be committed and I think I made some mistakes that didn't help. We ended it and she chased me for the next 2 years trying to get me back. The whole time I told her I thought of her as a best friend. This was mostly because I couldn't bare the pain I felt when she dumped me and I didn't want to feel like that again and I was hoping to myself I'd be able to move on or atleast give her some serious time to sort her own issues out.

She was constantly trying to get close to me and I'd push her away. I simply couldn't consider taking her back without an apology (she did a lot more damage in the relationship than I did) but I didn't want to have to ask for one. Around December she got involved with somebody else and I realised I still had feelings for her & it was hurting me a lot to see her with this new guy. I started contacting her a bit more and trying to do things with her more often and she was okay with that. But she would always ditch me to go spend time with him after a short while. I got lost in myself and started trying to get her back by being a bit more flirtatious and getting involved more often. This obviously didn't work and she's been with this guy for as long as we were together now. There was and still is pain I feel over it and it seriously bothers me sometimes. I don't get as upset over it as I did a month or two ago but it's enough to kill my motivation to do a lot of things.

I've figured that maybe she really only ever wanted a relationship with me and when she found this new guy she doesn't seem to consider me a friend anymore. She's told me she has and since shes started dating again she told me she'd be there for me to talk to and that she's looking forward to going places with me. But it seems like a load of bullshit in my eyes. We've stopped talking as much and she is really paying minimal attention to anything I have to say. She went from bugging me every day trying to flirt with me and get with me to making friends with this new guys friends and getting seriously involved with his friends on a day to day basis and talking to him almost 24/7. I feel replaced and completely forgotten. I regret already not taking her back but I have to remind myself I did it for a reason. But the worst part is she doesn't even treat me as even a friend anymore. I'm starting to resent her for it but at the same time I still have strong feelings towards her.

My real question for you guys is: Should I say anything to her? I want to bring up the fact I don't feel respected as even a friend anymore but at the same time, I feel like I should just let it all slip away. I keep hoping to myself that her relationship with this guy will fall to pieces and then she realises when he and his friends stop contacting her how much I've been neglected and forgotten about over the past 3 or 4 months and that I don't even know if I want to be there for her anymore. At the same time I feel like I should just man up and act like it doesn't bother me and deal with the fact she doesn't contact me anymore.

Last edited by Solvez18; February 17th, 2018 at 02:44 AM.
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Old February 17th, 2018, 02:54 AM   #2
benlodge123
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

In life, people come, people go. Girls are funny creatures. When they show love it feels so good. When they kick you out, it’s terribly difficult to get over. I would definitely try talking to her. Just as mates of course because she has a boyfriend. Failing that; give her some room and see if she comes messages you first. Message me anytime bro!

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old February 17th, 2018, 04:42 AM   #3
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

My advice is to just let it go.


To both responders above people like this usually weren’t fully developed people yet, thisngoes for guys and girls, but in this case it’s a case of s girl just understanding the thrilling power and control and emotional fulfillment you get when you realize you’re. Desirable....+ the sexual awakening pleasure rushes that feel good compound the problem.

Some of these are the stereotypical “i didn’t get enough parental attention from daddy and mommy” issues but other times it’s just a wild streak.

That’s why some girls do this, and ofc there’s status and popularity involved that changes every couple months and the guys don’t care cuz they’re getting laid.

So that’s why this happens just make sure you don’t fall for the related mental trap that breeds misogynistic views toward women based on encountering girls like her. Because that’s the flipside of the coin here which can affect you negatively.


My advice to guys is to not let it show that the traditional “sexual purity and loyalty” is high on the dating criteria list, because the way we see it is when a guy asks us to be sexually loyal to him, it comes off as somewhat controlling and misogynistic given the historical precedents men have over women.

It’s a bad mental association mix, part of the appeal from bad boys is that they are less demanding and give us more freedom, they’re easy to please and in some ways that strokes our feminine urge to know we make a guy happy....as carnally base as that sounds that’s what’s happening psychologically.
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Old February 17th, 2018, 10:30 PM   #4
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

I appreciate both of your replies. It's hard for me to really understand what's right to do. Especially with mixed opinions. Maybe I'll just leave it alone and let her come to me. If she ever chooses to contact me and brings up the fact we don't talk as much anymore or anything like that then I guess I would tell her that because she's been distant I don't think it's worth my time putting in the effort when she is gonna be cold with me in her replies and lack of effort. She understands I still have feelings for her but I want her to believe that just because I like her as more than a friend that I'm not going to waste my time pursuing her if she doesn't even want to treat me as at the least a friend anymore. It's really strange being a friend with somebody then being partners then going back to a long-term friendship. Just to have it all ruined because this person has interest in somebody else now. Of course I know before she had interest in this guy all she wanted was a relationship with me. But I still thought of it as a friendship and I was convinced she realised her wrongs and understood I wanted to remain friends until we were both happy to try again. I'm not sure if I'm stupid for thinking that or not.

Last edited by Solvez18; February 17th, 2018 at 10:37 PM.
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Old February 18th, 2018, 04:06 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Solvez18 View Post
I appreciate both of your replies. It's hard for me to really understand what's right to do. Especially with mixed opinions. Maybe I'll just leave it alone and let her come to me. If she ever chooses to contact me and brings up the fact we don't talk as much anymore or anything like that then I guess I would tell her that because she's been distant I don't think it's worth my time putting in the effort when she is gonna be cold with me in her replies and lack of effort. She understands I still have feelings for her but I want her to believe that just because I like her as more than a friend that I'm not going to waste my time pursuing her if she doesn't even want to treat me as at the least a friend anymore. It's really strange being a friend with somebody then being partners then going back to a long-term friendship. Just to have it all ruined because this person has interest in somebody else now. Of course I know before she had interest in this guy all she wanted was a relationship with me. But I still thought of it as a friendship and I was convinced she realised her wrongs and understood I wanted to remain friends until we were both happy to try again. I'm not sure if I'm stupid for thinking that or not.
In our culture that's exactly how you need to respond in this situation.

To get a bit academic on you, look at how in developed western nations approach concepts of societal structure, specifically about what defines an appropriate romantic/sexual relationship.

It's against Abrahamic religious norms, but understand this paradox about how humans manage attractions to different people at once, and also the concept of serial-monogamy versus the idealist standard of perfect monogamy, and look at how other cultures don't accept monogamy.


Look at how society makes us choose a partner, it creates a dichotomy that implies I picked so and so, OVER another because they were better (looking, Richer, more talented, came from a certain background)....


The stressors of a breakup in non-monogamy cultures don't exist in the same way in other cultures because the concept of guilt and sexual-possession and exclusivity is not in their culture. The only concept is consent.



I don't know it's just interesting to contrast how different societies approach the meaning behind relationships and sex.
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Old February 18th, 2018, 07:35 PM   #6
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In our culture that's exactly how you need to respond in this situation.

To get a bit academic on you, look at how in developed western nations approach concepts of societal structure, specifically about what defines an appropriate romantic/sexual relationship.

It's against Abrahamic religious norms, but understand this paradox about how humans manage attractions to different people at once, and also the concept of serial-monogamy versus the idealist standard of perfect monogamy, and look at how other cultures don't accept monogamy.


Look at how society makes us choose a partner, it creates a dichotomy that implies I picked so and so, OVER another because they were better (looking, Richer, more talented, came from a certain background)....


The stressors of a breakup in non-monogamy cultures don't exist in the same way in other cultures because the concept of guilt and sexual-possession and exclusivity is not in their culture. The only concept is consent.



I don't know it's just interesting to contrast how different societies approach the meaning behind relationships and sex.
That's a good way to think of it. I guess we are quite different to other cultures. I just hope that I'm making the right choices here. I don't feel respected by someone I used to share feelings with anymore and I think it might help me in the long run to gain a bit of respect if not from this person but by others or even for myself by simply refusing to let people toss me aside or think I'll always be there for them after I believe I'm treated unfairly. I'm too nice sometimes and never draw my own lines with others and it makes me vulnerable to getting hurt. Ever since this girl has been dating this new guy I've learnt from it on how I could be a better partner to her or somebody else in future. So it's not a total loss. But I think I've also learnt to stand up for myself and say no to people more since she made me feel upset and vulnerable for months. I've always attended to other peoples needs and wants more than my own simply because they ask me to help them. I'm a little happier with myself over the small things I've learnt but I'm still hurt and I wish things could improve with her again.
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Old February 18th, 2018, 09:53 PM   #7
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

"My real question for you guys is: Should I say anything to her? I want to bring up the fact I don't feel respected as even a friend anymore but at the same time, I feel like I should just let it all slip away. I keep hoping to myself that her relationship with this guy will fall to pieces and then she realizes when he and his friends stop contacting her how much I've been neglected and forgotten about over the past 3 or 4 months and that I don't even know if I want to be there for her anymore. At the same time I feel like I should just man up and act like it doesn't bother me and deal with the fact she doesn't contact me anymore."

I think you answered your own questions here. I think you should just move on and forget about the girl and look for new friends and a girlfriend.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old February 19th, 2018, 02:32 AM   #8
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"My real question for you guys is: Should I say anything to her? I want to bring up the fact I don't feel respected as even a friend anymore but at the same time, I feel like I should just let it all slip away. I keep hoping to myself that her relationship with this guy will fall to pieces and then she realizes when he and his friends stop contacting her how much I've been neglected and forgotten about over the past 3 or 4 months and that I don't even know if I want to be there for her anymore. At the same time I feel like I should just man up and act like it doesn't bother me and deal with the fact she doesn't contact me anymore."

I think you answered your own questions here. I think you should just move on and forget about the girl and look for new friends and a girlfriend.
On the inside I know that's probably what's best. But my feelings really want me to try make it work. I think I'm also afraid of the fact that I don't meet people and don't know how I'm supposed to meet people. My life is in a really poor position right now because I've been thrown off since I lost my job and then this all happened to me not long after. I certainly must admit also that out of most girls I've seen I believe this one sticks out to me more and relates to me better than anybody else I've ever met. That includes personalities of any of the friends I've made. She suited me so well and I'm almost convinced we were just meant to be together. I guess I'm wrong there too. I know that sounds clingy & incredibly needy. I don't feel needy over it, I just don't want to lose somebody that I've known for this long to suddenly disappear out of my life. I've had so many friends just disappear before and this person is easily the best one I've ever met. To think the first person I could really relate to and have a relationship with would be the one to hurt me the most is so disappointing that it burns. It's happened so many times to me before but not with somebody I've loved. I feel incredibly taken for granted.

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Old February 19th, 2018, 02:33 AM   #9
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

Be honest to yourself. It still bothers you, at least once in a while. Admit it to you every time. Rant a bit and go on living. Every time it will feel a little more unimportant.





"Life is that prison you'll never leave alive."



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Old February 19th, 2018, 02:44 AM   #10
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Be honest to yourself. It still bothers you, at least once in a while. Admit it to you every time. Rant a bit and go on living. Every time it will feel a little more unimportant.
You're right. Time heals most wounds. It's just harder for me to move on than I thought it would be. I'm not suffering the way I was in december. I'm not nearly as bad as I was then. I just think about her alot. It's something that comes to mind so often that I feel like it's all that's in my head all day everyday. Going to bed is great because when I wake up I have that 10 seconds where there's nothing on my mind. It's just like an itch that never stops bothering me. It's getting better but I can't stop questioning it. I see her around a lot too but I never talk with her, so that doesn't help. Hanging out with my friends makes me forget about it, but not for long.

Last edited by Solvez18; February 19th, 2018 at 02:49 AM.
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Old February 19th, 2018, 12:48 PM   #11
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Well deal with it the way that you choose. It will only make you stay miserable but it's your life not ours.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old February 19th, 2018, 01:58 PM   #12
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Default Re: My ex became the worst friend I could have

You will get over it eventually- but you have to be patient.
Maybe even try to meet some new girls, i know that might sound crazy at this moment but constantly thinking about "how it could ended up if you took her back" will lead you crazy.

Try to think about her flaws and negative traits about her- thats what i did to get over my last crush. i also recommend talking to your mates about her, friends can be such good support when your head is going crazy over somebody.
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Old February 19th, 2018, 09:33 PM   #13
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Well deal with it the way that you choose. It will only make you stay miserable but it's your life not ours.
I'm not going to try win her back or anything. I'll let her do whatever she wants. If she decides to talk to me then I'll be as cold and distant with her as she was with me. I'm not going to be rude, I'll just make sure she understands that I don't see her as a priority. If she decides to bring it up then I'll simply explain that I don't feel respected and that if she wants to improve that then she has to prove to me I can trust and respect her again. I don't think I can accept any more apologies in words alone.
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