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Old January 1st, 2018, 06:02 AM   #1
Mater123
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Join Date: January 1, 2018
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Default amI gay, or im in just puberty? Help me, I am confused

Okey so it will be quiet long:
Start first:

In the kindergarten I really loved one of my kindergarten teacher. I always kissed them on her leg, and hugged her. (i was short).
In the elementary school there was a girl, I had a crush on. She was beautiful, I remember I brought a chocolate to her for valentine's day. Then everything got worse.

From class 3 to 4 I got bullied. I was chubby and got bullied a lot, not because only my body but because of my name too and it was terrible!
I had the fear to going to school, cause I know it will be stressfull and I would be humilated. Then one day my mother went in, and she made a circus! The teachers got to know about i was being bullied and my classmates was rebuked really really hard.

Then I got blamed like "You are nothing without your mother! You are loser alone! Your mommy wont protect u always..." I dont have to say, it was harmful for my self-esteem/confidence...
I had no friends there, and I have never played with the others. (I hated football, and playing with them, and they didnt like me too) I was overweighted, had self-esteem problems and I had a fear of going to school.
Then in the class 4 one of my (ex best) friend sat next to me, and he was the only one, who talked with me. We were really good friends, and one day I started to fantasizing like "I would like to drown him and see him suffer." (and I realized later, I got erection)

Later at class 5-6 it was still the same. Although I got a bit better, I had a bit self-esteem/confidence and but still had body weight problems, and still got phisically bullied until the end of class 7! I remember we had go to hospital cause I had liver pains. (They stabbed the side of my body with their finger, and I was said if it continues it will be cracked!) years bullying had an effect on me, moreover until the 8th class I peed in my bed every night, cause of the previous things. So basically it was a trauma for me.
I clearly remember my classmates did like: Put a snickers as a dick and some of my classmates licked and eated them, and I was like: "Sick fucks". And they did it every day, and acted like they havin' orgasms, and many of them said: "Mine is hard af!" (from class 5 to 7)

Once in the P.E clothing room one of my classmates was in underwear and had erection and one of my classmates said: "I would like to grab it so much!" (and licked his mouth).

I was late maturity so I realized masturbation around 14,7 years old! (yeah, Im stupid) (4 months before my 15th birthday). I remember something happened, and I searched "underwater kiss" and fapped on a pic.
In the secondary school everything had changed. The class is better and I have no fear, but still have self-esteem/confidence problems. Whenever i got asked "What u think about that girl?" I goes red, and my eyes become blurry and started tearing (like im crying, but i dont!).

Even in my family! Whenever someone asks, how about a gf, I goes red and starts act weirdly! Even in front of my family.
I remember in the P.E room a guy started shaking (in underwear)his dick, and said to someone: "Suck it if u are brave enough", and everyone laughed, bot I got erection again!

On the other hand, when I open instagram in the livin' room and someone sees my phone having a girl on the screen he/she immediatly asks: "Who is that? Is she your gf? You like her? Is she your classmates???" And it is really embarrassing for me! Now I only watch instagram on pc, and only phone when noone can see me in order to avoid these situations!

During the middle school I got extroverted from introverted (still do not go parties, but I often go social events and have some friend)
Since I realized masturbation I have been masturbating to only gay porn especially underwater gay porn, but nowadays there is a girl who is cute af, and whenever she is around me, I become excited, got my heart beating fast, and starts sweating, but Im afraid to talk to her as hell!
Like: "Hey lets go and talk to her. She is cute and lovely" and inside I thing: No way! There are your parents, they stand behind you, they see you, and its embarassing af! They will start asking you about her!" and after this I avoid her. Even when someone laugh in a public I think "OMG they laugh at me, i am such a loser fat kid" = social anxiety!

I thought "its okay to jerk off to gay porn im straight". Later, when I have slept with 2 boys in a room, (there was an organisation event) and I saw one of them in underwear I got erection and I got the "I would like to see that dick" feeling. As soon as I masturbated I got back to normal.
Later happened again, that there was an event and we were slept in hotel rooms. Me and one of my friends were drunken (and were in the same room) (he was more drunken than me) and said: "Look! Im horny af and I will masturbate, dont get so serius!" He started masturbate but he had fell asleep, and I got erection again. When he fell asleep I was awake (he vomited cause of alcohol, so I took care for him and was awake for a while), and I said "Hey dude, i goin' to masturbate!" and I got only more excited, but he slept!

I remember, i was talking to my friends (2-3 months ago) (a girl and a lesbian) when one of them hugged me and said "Dont worry about that", meanwhile one of my friends (the other girl) stand next to us, and I got erection, but i dunnow how!

I once watched straight porn, but my eyes still get on the boy, and when I saw a vagina for first time (i searched it 2 weeks ago, and yes i am stupid af) I though disgusting and all the erection has gone.

Lately I have started thinking about what if I am gay, (but i dont even sure in it tho) and fell into depression, has no will to live and I masturbate 4-5 times a day on thoughts like: Im underwater in the sea with one of my friends, and we lieing underwater and masturbating until we starts drowning, or we masturbating then we having an underwater fight till we run out of air and die!
On the other hand, underwater straight porn is okay for me but natural straight not really! (In underwater porn I watch the girl suffering I think. (but vagina (for the third time) still disgusting for me, guess I have to be used to it.).

SO what the hell is goin' on? I am in late maturity, moreover when I see that girl, I feel like I have a crush on her, and I would like to kiss her and get into a relationship with her, but I feel my dick like a fan. "I feel that it get electric but it is only buzzing instead of working", moreover I got erection when there were 2 of my friends (who were girls). So these are opposite facts!

I had a tough 8 years of bullying and being humiliated almost every day, have social anxiety, and when I think a situation like "lets present my gf to my parents" i feel myself really really ashamed! I dont even undress in front of my family for 3 years, cause i am afraid I got bullying such as "Look your little belly" ( i am still chubby) or "Look your chest you have hair on it". I dont even dare enough to say my parents "I will go to the gym on every weekend" cause i am afraid of those little comments like "Wow you are goin' to be really muscle" or "Wow there must be a chick if u wanna do it" But i just wanna lose weight!!!!! And I am still not dare to tell them!

Many of them say "You feel inside urself it", and i have felt (till last Friday) that I am hetero, and just in late maturity, but now, once I feel "You are gay" once "Your sexually just not "developed" yet, and it is ok" or "You are just curious and u are straight". When I said "I am gay i have to accept myself", 1-2 days later I started to feel inside like,"I am not gay" but then what am I???
Also I have read that, the puberty comes with "mind changing" you become sensitive and hormones goes crazy, and that many guys take part in collective masturbation, and curious about the others' penis and etc... (I have never took part in)

Im in late maturity and my mind has started to change, like about many things I have a different view, or more point of views, and I am not that naive as I were untill october.

Since I am in late maturity i can not decide what the hell I am??? I can not imagine living with a boy in a relationship. Is it because my previous trauma? The lack of self-esteem and self confidence, bullying, social anxiety, and watching gay porn for 4-5 years cause this? Maybe I got used to gay porn cause that friend in class 4 was at the right place at the right time for me?

What the hell is goin' on??? Please help me, I am really really confused. I feel in love with a girl (I think), and I think i would like to kiss her and etc... (This is the first time since class 8). Maybe as I got extroverted my social anxiety is about to decrease, so my "real" personality can grow??? Also when my mom comes home at the end of the day, sth happens and I got nervous and a bit stressfull.
Please help me, I am really confused!
18, boy

Ps: Should I just wait for at the age 23 till its get clear for me?
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Old January 1st, 2018, 08:24 AM   #2
Axrow
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Default Re: amI gay, or im in just puberty? Help me, I am confused

Homosexual thoughts can often come about through bullying. Whilst their torment is horrible and upsetting, the play and freedom they have can sometimes become a point of jealousy or just something you become used to, and so the feelings of being controlled by a boy may have psychologically come about through bullying.

The low self-esteem also doesn't help because you are afraid of what people will think of you. This causes anxiety which gets in the way of real feelings of others and yourself.

If you don't think that is who you are, then take steps to work towards stability. Rather than focusing on sexuality, I would try and learn/build some self-esteem, courage and understanding your value despite what others say. This can take some time but it is beneficial, as opposed to just accepting it as a teen like many others do, when you still have more development to go.
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Old January 1st, 2018, 01:35 PM   #3
jamie_n5
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Default Re: amI gay, or im in just puberty? Help me, I am confused

I think that almost all guys have some thoughts and curiosities about other guys. You may be bi but since you are a late starter in puberty it could be related to that. I think you will eventually come to grips with your sexuality and know what you are. You might try dating a girl and see how that goes. If you are totally uninterested in a girl then you may want to try a relationship with a guy. I don't know what else to say. I know you feel really confused but you are the only one that can figure things out for yourself.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old January 1st, 2018, 02:31 PM   #4
max02
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Default Re: amI gay, or im in just puberty? Help me, I am confused

you're probably gay, but are only used to the idea of being with a girl because of society.
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Old January 5th, 2018, 05:28 AM   #5
Alex669
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Default Re: amI gay, or im in just puberty? Help me, I am confused

@Mater123
I answered this on another thread, it may be of some help:

(English is not my native language, sorry for any mistakes)

Hey man! Look, someday I was talking with a straight friend and he explained me the meaning of the pride flag (or rainbow flag or the name you want). He told me that they choose a rainbow because the rainbow contains ALL the colors the human eye can see.

You see, the spectrum of sexuality is as big as the spectrum of colors. For example, there is not one tone of "red" or "green" or whatever you like, there are many greens and many reds, it´s the same with sexual preference.

The way I see it it would be very hard to find one person COMPLETELY straight (or gay), I belive most of us are a different "tone", the situation is that almost our entire life society tells us that there are only two options: being straight or gay, and there is only one that is "correct". The way I see it a man can prefer girls and don´t feel anything about other men, but if he meets a VERY feminine guy he may like him. That doesn´t mean he´s gay or bi or whatever (the way I see it). He can even like something on certain age and then change his mind, and is perfectly fine. Or what could happen is that that person gets turned on watching any kind of gay porn and jerking off to it, or even capable of having any sexual dessire to people of the same sex and only feeling love with people of the opposite sex (what I mean is that some people may be cappable of having sex with a same sex person but only being able to feel LOVE with an opposite sex person).

In summary what I think is that you shouldn´t worry about this. When you get older you may define yourself in one "tone" or maybe not, and it´s ok. Just enjoy life man.

Btw, i checked on internet what my friend said about the meaning of the flag an didn´t found anything of what he said (lol), but I think that what he said would be a better explanation.

Last edited by Alex669; January 6th, 2018 at 05:01 AM. Reason: Correct grammar mistakes
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