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Old July 26th, 2018, 09:32 PM   #1
WorrIes
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Default Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Hey guys Iím new here. I remember visiting this forum a while back and thought it looked cool, and now I think this is the only place I can open up to and ask for advice.

So basically, my dad died last year, halfway through my last year of middle school. And then because of that, weíve had to move to a totally different city in California, because we couldnít afford the old place anymore. An old friend of my fatherís who Iíve known since forever because he was always there is helping us out with money too right now, but moving away still meant I had to leave where I grew up to attend a totally different high school somewhere far away with no one I knew, which sucked. Anyways, I start high school, and as expected Iím not made to feel so welcome by people there (I have never been the popular type, Iím not a nerd or anything but Iím one grade ahead, which means Iím younger than everyone here on top of being new, which sucks) and I have had zero friends.

To make a long story short, my fatherís friend (whoís also helping me and my mom out with money, we moved to this city because he lives here) has been hanging out with me a lot, even after we got settled into the city. I thought it was weird that he was hanging out with me a lot, but I guessed that he knew I had no friends and that I was in a new city where I didnít know anybody, so I didnít think too much about it. Heís been the only one I could talk to (my momís a mess) so Iíve really started to appreciate him, and we always saw him as family. But last night, he invited me and my mom there for dinner, and after that he told us that he had a pool table in his garage and asked us to play. My mom kinda just sat by the sides the entire time, using her phone while the two of us played, and Iíve honestly never played pool in my life and was terrible at it, and we all had a laugh about it which was cool. But then that was when it got weird, and he told me he was going to teach me how to shoot properly, and he came up behind me with his body pressed against me to teach me the proper form, which I guess was normal, even though it made me uncomfortable. But then he started leaning forward to grind his crotch against my butt not so inconspicuously. And after a while he totally just dropped the pool stick and started grabbing at my chest and stomach, and soon also my crotch and butt, and he wasbreathing into my neck really hard which was really uncomfortable. I donít know why I just stood there over the pool table not saying anything like an idiot. Like I literally stood there and pretended nothing was happening.

Now my mom was sitting right there too, and I kinda looked at her while this was happening, but she pretended to be on her phone even though I knew she knew what was happening. Sheís never been one for me to rely on so whatever. But after a while, maybe five minutes, maybe half an hour, who knew, his phone started ringing, and he had to go up to talk on the phone. And thatís when I told my mom I was gonna go home because I was tired, and she said to wait for him to come back so we could say bye because we were guests, so I just left without her.

I know this is technically not abuse, since he has never hurt me and in fact heís been nothing but nice since Iíve been here, and he didnít rape my in any way, so Iím really not sure if I should post this here, but he sent me a message earlier this afternoon and asked me to come over to his place for pizza. Iím thinking since my mom wonít be there because she has work, this would be a good time to talk to him about it alone? What do you guys think?
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Old July 26th, 2018, 09:59 PM   #2
Dalcourt
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

From personal experience with this sorta things I would not go.

Well if someone touches you in an inappropriateway and without your consent it is harrassment. Have you talked to your Mom about it later? If not do so and/ or some other trusted adult.

Say a loud and clear - no I don't want you to touch me like that - if he ever tries something like that again.
I know it isn't easy since such a situation makes you feel sorta shell-shocked sometimes.

So try to be careful.
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Old July 26th, 2018, 10:46 PM   #3
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

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Originally Posted by Dalcourt View Post
From personal experience with this sorta things I would not go.

Well if someone touches you in an inappropriateway and without your consent it is harrassment. Have you talked to your Mom about it later? If not do so and/ or some other trusted adult.

Say a loud and clear - no I don't want you to touch me like that - if he ever tries something like that again.
I know it isn't easy since such a situation makes you feel sorta shell-shocked sometimes.

So try to be careful.
If I told my mom sheíd just pretend not to know what Iím talking about and insist I was probably just exaggerating. And if Iíd continue to argue sheíd just say that I have to remember how lucky we are and that things havenít been easy since my dad died, and we should be grateful that someone is here to help us, and that I wouldnít know a thing about how hard things have been because Iím not the one paying for school or the house. Sheís been like that since my dad passed, and Iím not a dumb kid, I know sheís totally crushed, she has no husband and now sheís reliant on him for money. Sheíd feel as if she was indebted in some way to him or something, and thatís why sheíd turn a blind eye to it. I totally understand, and thatís why I wouldnít bother talking to her about it.

And as for going back to his place, even with how inappropriately he acted yesterday, heís still been like family to us, since even before my dad died. Heís been at every one of my birthdays since I was 6. And I mean he was totally cool about asking me to come over for pizza, there doesnít seem to be any warning signs about it. Maybe he just had too much wine to drink during dinner, and doesnít even remember what he did? I mean he probably thinks that Iíd be bored with my mom at work, thatís why he invited me over. Iím thinking that the best way to resolve this would be to have a one on one with him tomorrow.
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Old July 26th, 2018, 10:52 PM   #4
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Do not confront alone, and if he tries to do it again tell him firmly yet politely that you don’t wanna be touch. Don’t get angry, Be in control of your emotions and be in control of the situation.

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Old July 26th, 2018, 11:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Welcome to the forum. I empathize with your situation, having been sexually harassed by someone who's supposed to be a friend, and I can tell you that pretending it doesn't affect you is the worst thing you can do. If he does it again, object. Push him away, make it clear you aren't ok with him touching you. Freezing and letting him have his way is a natural reaction; you weren't expecting it and couldn't respond in that moment. Continuing to submit to it without protest will just make it worse. If you're around him again, be on guard, and please talk to someone, if not your mom, then someone else you trust. It sounds like she trusts and relies on this guy a lot, but there's no harm in letting her know what's going on despite your predictions of how sheíll respond. Don't go around him if it makes you uncomfortable, and if you have to, make sure there are other people around.

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Old July 27th, 2018, 12:15 AM   #6
WorrIes
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phosphene View Post
Welcome to the forum. I empathize with your situation, having been sexually harassed by someone who's supposed to be a friend, and I can tell you that pretending it doesn't affect you is the worst thing you can do. If he does it again, object. Push him away, make it clear you aren't ok with him touching you. Freezing and letting him have his way is a natural reaction; you weren't expecting it and couldn't respond in that moment. Continuing to submit to it without protest will just make it worse. If you're around him again, be on guard, and please talk to someone, if not your mom, then someone else you trust. It sounds like she trusts and relies on this guy a lot, but there's no harm in letting her know what's going on despite your predictions of how sheíll respond. Don't go around him if it makes you uncomfortable, and if you have to, make sure there are other people around.
Honestly, I have nobody to go to and thatís why Iím here lol. Iím a relatively quiet student so I donít have many people I talk to, no teachers or friends Iíd trust. At most Iíd have classmates who are friendly with me every now and then, but I wouldnít think I was their friend nor would I confide in them about something like this. And as for my mom, well letís just say we havenít had the best of relationships since my dad died.

This guy was honestly the one guy I felt I could really open up to, and yeah I guess I do feel hurt or betrayed or whatever that he touched me like that, but I feel the only way to resolve this is to confront him about it.
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Old July 27th, 2018, 11:13 AM   #7
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

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Originally Posted by WorrIes View Post
Hey guys I’m new here. I remember visiting this forum a while back and thought it looked cool, and now I think this is the only place I can open up to and ask for advice.

So basically, my dad died last year, halfway through my last year of middle school. And then because of that, we’ve had to move to a totally different city in California, because we couldn’t afford the old place anymore. An old friend of my father’s who I’ve known since forever because he was always there is helping us out with money too right now, but moving away still meant I had to leave where I grew up to attend a totally different high school somewhere far away with no one I knew, which sucked. Anyways, I start high school, and as expected I’m not made to feel so welcome by people there (I have never been the popular type, I’m not a nerd or anything but I’m one grade ahead, which means I’m younger than everyone here on top of being new, which sucks) and I have had zero friends.

To make a long story short, my father’s friend (who’s also helping me and my mom out with money, we moved to this city because he lives here) has been hanging out with me a lot, even after we got settled into the city. I thought it was weird that he was hanging out with me a lot, but I guessed that he knew I had no friends and that I was in a new city where I didn’t know anybody, so I didn’t think too much about it. He’s been the only one I could talk to (my mom’s a mess) so I’ve really started to appreciate him, and we always saw him as family. But last night, he invited me and my mom there for dinner, and after that he told us that he had a pool table in his garage and asked us to play. My mom kinda just sat by the sides the entire time, using her phone while the two of us played, and I’ve honestly never played pool in my life and was terrible at it, and we all had a laugh about it which was cool. But then that was when it got weird, and he told me he was going to teach me how to shoot properly, and he came up behind me with his body pressed against me to teach me the proper form, which I guess was normal, even though it made me uncomfortable. But then he started leaning forward to grind his crotch against my butt not so inconspicuously. And after a while he totally just dropped the pool stick and started grabbing at my chest and stomach, and soon also my crotch and butt, and he wasbreathing into my neck really hard which was really uncomfortable. I don’t know why I just stood there over the pool table not saying anything like an idiot. Like I literally stood there and pretended nothing was happening.

Now my mom was sitting right there too, and I kinda looked at her while this was happening, but she pretended to be on her phone even though I knew she knew what was happening. She’s never been one for me to rely on so whatever. But after a while, maybe five minutes, maybe half an hour, who knew, his phone started ringing, and he had to go up to talk on the phone. And that’s when I told my mom I was gonna go home because I was tired, and she said to wait for him to come back so we could say bye because we were guests, so I just left without her.

I know this is technically not abuse, since he has never hurt me and in fact he’s been nothing but nice since I’ve been here, and he didn’t rape my in any way, so I’m really not sure if I should post this here, but he sent me a message earlier this afternoon and asked me to come over to his place for pizza. I’m thinking since my mom won’t be there because she has work, this would be a good time to talk to him about it alone? What do you guys think?
Are you me? We have the same circumstances except my dad didn't die but he might as well have coz gambling addiction and his friend was helping us out after we moved from LA to some very rural place in NoCal to escape debtors. He was his friend who he owed money to and has been helping us out since moving was also doing some "moves" on me as I was 8-10 at this time. Take note he would literally travel that far over the weekend to hang out with us with what I figured was the same thing you were thinking off you are thinking off when your dad's friend invites you over becomes friendly to you. During that time he "loved" spending time with me because my brother was just born at that time or even before when my mom was pregnant with my lil bro and we were obviously a hot mess at that time and still now. He was caught doing nearly the same suggestive things your dad's friend had been doing except my mom wasn't having it.

When mom caught him this was the first time we moved back again to SoCal since we wanted to break contact with this dude. Looking back I felt like was being used to pay back my fathers debts but glad my parents mostly mom caught wind of this. I only told one VT member this coz were were recounting why I always resort to sex as an escape when I realised back then I resented how my parents yanked me from a familiar life to then constant new settings that were worse off my former life but then again they kept hinting that this was the reason they did so.

Take note no actual molestation happened to me. But please looking back let this serve as a cautionary tale that not all adults have good intentions.

Last edited by cinderfella; July 27th, 2018 at 11:34 AM.
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Old August 1st, 2018, 05:58 AM   #8
WorrIes
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Just so you guys know whatís going on, I went to see him on Friday contrary to everyoneís advice. Like one user above warned I ended up losing my cool and hitting him in the face, not very hard mind you but he got really mad. He grabbed me and attacked me after that, I donít even know if it was a sexual assault or physical one, or a bit of both, but I ended up running back home after.

I finally decided to tell my mom like some of you told me to when I saw her again Saturday morning, and I guess I should have had a proper talk and sit down with her when this first happened instead of going to his place to talk to him because my mom was very concerned and had me checked out at the hospital right away, called the police right after.

Letís just say that my dadís friend will get what he deserves soon, and though we might have to move again, this is probably for the better. I have to admit it was probably stupid of me to think I could handle things by myself, and I guess next time Iíll go and see my mother before making any major decisions.
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Old August 1st, 2018, 05:03 PM   #9
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Default Re: Probably not even the right place to post this, but...

Ok may I ask what you wanted to tell him when you confronted him?

I mean I didn't get your age and i think we are significantly apart from these circumstances kinda happened. But I'm legit bothered that it went down to being physical. I bet its gonna start out as a physical abuse case but I don't know coz you kinda did hit him first. But its gonna be you being able to press charges against him for sexual assault and molestation.

I'm kinda glad you made a breakthrough with your mom but I'm sorry it had to happen under this particular circumstance. I hope this means you have each other from now on.

Friendly advice, I think you really should move again. Not sure if has to be across state or even out of state but I think it would be best if you kinda distance yourself from him. I mean I don't know if any of their other friends would I don't know get even with your or something. But its better to be safe than sorry you know...

If you wanna talk about this more privately. You can reply to this thread and tell me. I will find a way to get in touch with you if possible. This type of shit is really no joke to be honest. Looking back and discussing it with some other dude who also read this thread. I do feel some of my issues with sex are kinda rooted upon this experience...
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