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Old December 16th, 2017, 07:24 AM   #1
benlodge123
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Unhappy Whole world on my shoulders :(

Yet again, I find myself writing here.

Put into perspective, I am 16, I have started college, I'm in year 12. I don't have many friends. I am bullied. I sit on my ass all day playing PC games. I feel tense whenever I talk to anyone, even my parents. I don't enjoy college.
Firstly, the bullying, since I started secondary school in 2012 I have been bullied. I am small, weak and don't know how to stand up for myself. In year 7-9 I was always hungry, my parents did not give me enough food to take to school, so I would ask my friends for some of theirs. Of course, they said no as it was there food. I have the nicknames, Scavenger, Seagull, shrimpy, zombie, dead eye, dead man walking, ghost. The first 3 being called because I would ask for food. The others were because I have dark circles under my eyes.
I have never had a girlfriend. I have been rejected many times by them, either for my personality or just the looks.

I get up at 7:10 every day for college, I go to college, I do my lessons, I come home and I don't leave my room until 7:10 the next morning apart from for dinner. I live like a recluse. I am not confident, I hate talking to new people as I worry what they might think of me. I stammer when I am asked if I am ok. Or if someone says "hey man how are you doing" I won't answer them, I will answer their question with a question like "you alright" I don't think of my answer, I just seem to avoid answering their question.
I hate telling people what is wrong with me, If I am sad, I don't tell anyone, If I am bullied, I don't name and shame them for I fear they will bully me more for it.

People use their size to get make me feel weak. If they are all sitting down, and I want to join in, they will just sit closer so I cant sit there.

I am being tested for ADHD because I swear and get angry quickly. The best way I can explain it is if you picture a hand grenade, you've pulled the pin out and you are about to throw it, you feel calm and content. You throw it and the adrenaline starts rushing through you, it hits the ground and explodes and that's it, you are mad. Swearing, hitting things, crying and you have a massive headache. I also don't have much self-control. Once I was out with my parents and family friends. My parents knew that something was wrong, so they kept asking me. Asking, asking and asking I had had enough of it, I told my mum to fuck off. From then on, I was angry and I cried and walked to the car on my own. Now I knew I was wrong to tell my own fresh in blood to fuck off. But when someone continuously says something that I either don't like or don't want to answer I retaliate in quick outbursts and the same is true at school. I tell the bullies to fuck off, they see that as an "Ahh yeah, we are making ben angry, let's do it more" so they continue. I know most of you will say, "ignore them" trust me, I have, for 2 years and it didn't stop. 2 days ago, I got a snapchat from one of the bullies, it was a video of a seagull that was on the bullies roof. In the video, I heard the bully saying "ahh you alright ben" as he aimlessly zoomed into the bird. I just answered by saying "real mature" he said, "but your a seagull" I told him to slip into a coma and not wake up. The next day he spoke to one of my mates and said "ahh it was only a joke, ben took it way to seriously" My mate told me what the bully had said to him and i said "when he's been calling me scavanger and seagull for so long, why should I let him continue saying it"

what I am getting at is that I cant ignore bullies, if they have taken time out of their day to feel the need to say shit about me, then I may as well give them my time to give them something to cry about.

So why am I writing this in the Mental Crisis Forum. Well, because I have had thoughts of ending my life. I hate the fact I feel tense when I talk to people, I hate being bullied and most of all, I hate that I live like a recluse. I feel more comfortable on my own, but my parents both think its not healthy. Which I know its not but I cant get myself out of this depressing lifestyle. I have no clue where to start.

There are things I enjoy/want to start:
1. Flying
2. Piano
3. Photography
4. I want to get more muscles and learn to box (maybe)

I am thinking of starting a photography apprenticeship so that I can leave them bullies and college behind and focus on what I really enjoy and in the long run, could earn me a lot of money if I keep at it.

If anyone has any advice, dont hesitate to enlighten me.
Regards
Ben

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 16th, 2017, 09:10 AM   #2
rioo
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

That is good, when you start learn photography then you need to jump out from your place to go somewhere around and start taking picture. meet new people making new friend.
Maybe I can sugest you to learn some software picture editor, because it so useful.
Playing musical instrument also good to relieve stress. I play guitar btw.
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Old December 16th, 2017, 12:37 PM   #3
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Ok listen u need to calm down,

ik the shit u have been through,
ill make quick solutions to this
first thing u have a huge issue with bullies , so as they rag u, come with some cool comebacks to show who is the real champ ( this depends on the time u spend with movies n shit )
it may be hard thinking of some but just try
second stretch ur arm and try making the smallest of friends with ppl by sharing common intrests n shit , b nice to everyone and control ur temper .
WORKOUT! im not a guy to say this , but since u want muscles , try doing atleast 10 reps a day , 10 pushups , 10 crunches , 10 situps etc . (u can learn from the internet).Doing so might show ur strong for bullies (eat alot of protein rich content).
Working out distracts urslef and prevents stress too, its a beautiful stress buster

Now ifu want a gf and shit , i really dnt recommend that as things can go shit and hurt like hell and sometimes it gets stupid , try making friends with women and try getting close ( ps without being a creep)

oh and remember popularity comes by having an exceptional talent mainly in sports or acadamics , so try ur best

lastly if ur dealing with alot of shit stress gaming, anime , tv shows and many other shit helps a lot trust me )

add me and message me anytime im there to help and ur not alone )
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Old December 16th, 2017, 03:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by benlodge123 View Post
Yet again, I find myself writing here.

Put into perspective, I am 16, I have started college, I'm in year 12. I don't have many friends. I am bullied. I sit on my ass all day playing PC games. I feel tense whenever I talk to anyone, even my parents. I don't enjoy college.
Firstly, the bullying, since I started secondary school in 2012 I have been bullied. I am small, weak and don't know how to stand up for myself. In year 7-9 I was always hungry, my parents did not give me enough food to take to school, so I would ask my friends for some of theirs. Of course, they said no as it was there food. I have the nicknames, Scavenger, Seagull, shrimpy, zombie, dead eye, dead man walking, ghost. The first 3 being called because I would ask for food. The others were because I have dark circles under my eyes.
I have never had a girlfriend. I have been rejected many times by them, either for my personality or just the looks.

I get up at 7:10 every day for college, I go to college, I do my lessons, I come home and I don't leave my room until 7:10 the next morning apart from for dinner. I live like a recluse. I am not confident, I hate talking to new people as I worry what they might think of me. I stammer when I am asked if I am ok. Or if someone says "hey man how are you doing" I won't answer them, I will answer their question with a question like "you alright" I don't think of my answer, I just seem to avoid answering their question.
I hate telling people what is wrong with me, If I am sad, I don't tell anyone, If I am bullied, I don't name and shame them for I fear they will bully me more for it.

People use their size to get make me feel weak. If they are all sitting down, and I want to join in, they will just sit closer so I cant sit there.

I am being tested for ADHD because I swear and get angry quickly. The best way I can explain it is if you picture a hand grenade, you've pulled the pin out and you are about to throw it, you feel calm and content. You throw it and the adrenaline starts rushing through you, it hits the ground and explodes and that's it, you are mad. Swearing, hitting things, crying and you have a massive headache. I also don't have much self-control. Once I was out with my parents and family friends. My parents knew that something was wrong, so they kept asking me. Asking, asking and asking I had had enough of it, I told my mum to fuck off. From then on, I was angry and I cried and walked to the car on my own. Now I knew I was wrong to tell my own fresh in blood to fuck off. But when someone continuously says something that I either don't like or don't want to answer I retaliate in quick outbursts and the same is true at school. I tell the bullies to fuck off, they see that as an "Ahh yeah, we are making ben angry, let's do it more" so they continue. I know most of you will say, "ignore them" trust me, I have, for 2 years and it didn't stop. 2 days ago, I got a snapchat from one of the bullies, it was a video of a seagull that was on the bullies roof. In the video, I heard the bully saying "ahh you alright ben" as he aimlessly zoomed into the bird. I just answered by saying "real mature" he said, "but your a seagull" I told him to slip into a coma and not wake up. The next day he spoke to one of my mates and said "ahh it was only a joke, ben took it way to seriously" My mate told me what the bully had said to him and i said "when he's been calling me scavanger and seagull for so long, why should I let him continue saying it"

what I am getting at is that I cant ignore bullies, if they have taken time out of their day to feel the need to say shit about me, then I may as well give them my time to give them something to cry about.

So why am I writing this in the Mental Crisis Forum. Well, because I have had thoughts of ending my life. I hate the fact I feel tense when I talk to people, I hate being bullied and most of all, I hate that I live like a recluse. I feel more comfortable on my own, but my parents both think its not healthy. Which I know its not but I cant get myself out of this depressing lifestyle. I have no clue where to start.

There are things I enjoy/want to start:
1. Flying
2. Piano
3. Photography
4. I want to get more muscles and learn to box (maybe)

I am thinking of starting a photography apprenticeship so that I can leave them bullies and college behind and focus on what I really enjoy and in the long run, could earn me a lot of money if I keep at it.

If anyone has any advice, dont hesitate to enlighten me.
Regards
Ben
Ill be your friend Then we can talk about how to move forward

Just a person who loves to play and watch sports.

Ravioli Ravioli Give Me the Formuoli
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Old December 16th, 2017, 05:31 PM   #5
benlodge123
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Smile Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by rioo View Post
That is good, when you start learn photography then you need to jump out from your place to go somewhere around and start taking picture. meet new people making new friend.
Maybe I can sugest you to learn some software picture editor, because it so useful.
Playing musical instrument also good to relieve stress. I play guitar btw.

Ahh yeah, didn't think of that, I have taken some real cracking images and have shared them around and got a few likes and comments. I would love it if I could actually start earning cashola from it as well, that would be a huge huge motive for me. I am already relatively good with photoshop, but still, need to learn a lot.

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 16th, 2017, 05:35 PM   #6
benlodge123
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Cool Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by sugoiman View Post
Ok listen u need to calm down,

ik the shit u have been through,
ill make quick solutions to this
first thing u have a huge issue with bullies , so as they rag u, come with some cool comebacks to show who is the real champ ( this depends on the time u spend with movies n shit )
it may be hard thinking of some but just try
second stretch ur arm and try making the smallest of friends with ppl by sharing common intrests n shit , b nice to everyone and control ur temper .
WORKOUT! im not a guy to say this , but since u want muscles , try doing atleast 10 reps a day , 10 pushups , 10 crunches , 10 situps etc . (u can learn from the internet).Doing so might show ur strong for bullies (eat alot of protein rich content).
Working out distracts urslef and prevents stress too, its a beautiful stress buster

Now ifu want a gf and shit , i really dnt recommend that as things can go shit and hurt like hell and sometimes it gets stupid , try making friends with women and try getting close ( ps without being a creep)

oh and remember popularity comes by having an exceptional talent mainly in sports or acadamics , so try ur best

lastly if ur dealing with alot of shit stress gaming, anime , tv shows and many other shit helps a lot trust me )

add me and message me anytime im there to help and ur not alone )
I am terrible with comebacks "I know you but what am i" springs to mind during confrontation .

I only have a few friends and I am happy but even then we still have our up's and downs but thats life i suppose.
I was given a work out program by a friend, I stuck to it for about a week, then I become bored and didnt do it, I will definetly make my 2018s goal to workout and be much stronger.

I think I will hold fire on getting a girlfrriends tbh as you say it brings its own problems. I am still shite at talking to lass's tho haha.

I failed my english GCSE by 6 marks so i get bullied for that. I hope when I get my retake results back I have better english grades than them, then we will see who the smart one is. But tally ho, I might not pass it, which means I have to stay at college to get my grades

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 16th, 2017, 05:58 PM   #7
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Ya no Iím thinking it might be just an idea to maybe take a little time off from school and get some shit together. Maybe see a therepaist and get some more testing done? Perhaps some meds?
Also give you some time to go to the gym. Iíve made some friends from people I didnít even know just from going and working out and swimming g and stuff.
Will give you some time to focus on some stuff of interest to. I think of you surround yourself with people with similar interests you wonít be bullied. And in time your self esteem will improve. Then go back to college.

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Old December 16th, 2017, 07:50 PM   #8
benlodge123
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Wink Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
Ya no Iím thinking it might be just an idea to maybe take a little time off from school and get some shit together. Maybe see a therepaist and get some more testing done? Perhaps some meds?
Also give you some time to go to the gym. Iíve made some friends from people I didnít even know just from going and working out and swimming g and stuff.
Will give you some time to focus on some stuff of interest to. I think of you surround yourself with people with similar interests you wonít be bullied. And in time your self esteem will improve. Then go back to college.
I would love to be able to say that i can have time off, but I just can't A Levels are important to me, despite me not actually wanting to take them, I doubt the school would let me do the work at home. We are hurrying up the hospital on the tests, should be done in about a month or so. I would love to go to the gym, but I dont have the money for a membership, but guess what, my brother is a qualified personal trainer so he could slip me into a gym no problamo. I would love to have school work sent home for me, it will allow me to get my shit together and get my life back on track, and give the bullies some time to shut the fuck up

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 16th, 2017, 08:06 PM   #9
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
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I would love to be able to say that i can have time off, but I just can't A Levels are important to me, despite me not actually wanting to take them, I doubt the school would let me do the work at home. We are hurrying up the hospital on the tests, should be done in about a month or so. I would love to go to the gym, but I dont have the money for a membership, but guess what, my brother is a qualified personal trainer so he could slip me into a gym no problamo. I would love to have school work sent home for me, it will allow me to get my shit together and get my life back on track, and give the bullies some time to shut the fuck up
What about on line classes?

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Old December 17th, 2017, 04:51 AM   #10
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What about on line classes?
I dont think they are provided for A levels

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 17th, 2017, 03:16 PM   #11
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by benlodge123 View Post
what I am getting at is that I cant ignore bullies, if they have taken time out of their day to feel the need to say shit about me, then I may as well give them my time to give them something to cry about.

So why am I writing this in the Mental Crisis Forum. Well, because I have had thoughts of ending my life. I hate the fact I feel tense when I talk to people, I hate being bullied and most of all, I hate that I live like a recluse. I feel more comfortable on my own, but my parents both think its not healthy. Which I know its not but I cant get myself out of this depressing lifestyle. I have no clue where to start.
There's something they say about people who've hurt you before. When you have problems on your own with anger or depression because of them, you're still letting them have control over your life, even when they're not around. One of the first steps in becoming happier is living your own life. Anxiety never solves anything.

I highly recommend starting exercise and working out. It works wonders for depression, not to mention how beneficial it is for your overall health.

You're not alone, Ben. Your feelings are real and they are valid. It seems awful right now but I promise you that this too shall pass. I'd love to discuss more if you'd like.

My username used to be 'Kacchon'
[ PM me // VM me ]

Last edited by insanity.; December 17th, 2017 at 03:20 PM.
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Old December 17th, 2017, 03:18 PM   #12
benlodge123
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Red face Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kacchon View Post
There's something they say about people who've hurt you before. When you have problems on your own with anger or depression because of them, you're still letting them have control over your life, even when they're not around. One of the first steps in becoming happier is living your own life. Anxiety never solves anything.

I highly recommend starting exercise and working out. It works wonders for depression, not to mention how beneficial it is for your overall health.

I'd love to discuss more if you'd like.
Hey man thanks for the advice, I will send you over a message

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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Old December 17th, 2017, 05:48 PM   #13
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

@Kacchon makes a really good point. Very similar to advise a much older (and now banned) member. He told me that the abuse I took from my family had me so tied in a not that they still controlled me. And to get better I had to let all that go. Not easy. As he said to me one day, ďthey need to be dead to you, no feeling at all. So that no matter what happened to them youíll have just no emotion because youíll just not careĒ.

I took that as if I see on the news someone got shot in the street that I didnít know, Iíd have the same, or less emotions than if my mom or uncle was shot down immune street. Not happy, not sad, just not caring

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Old December 18th, 2017, 11:36 AM   #14
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Hmm, make sure you get to eat enough dude, cause it's helpful for your development and helps you feel less angry sometimes. Anger can also stem from being overly frustrated and so you lash out at people because of that. Just know that you are still valuable and have many talents and are loved. Don't forget that man. And the bullies, by the sounds of it, actually do like you and want fun with you, so if you can figure out a way that helps them appreciate and have better fun with, then sometimes bullies end up as friends. Or keep invested in doing things and studying and don't let them interfere with that.
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Old December 18th, 2017, 12:30 PM   #15
benlodge123
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Default Re: Whole world on my shoulders :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
@Kacchon makes a really good point. Very similar to advise a much older (and now banned) member. He told me that the abuse I took from my family had me so tied in a not that they still controlled me. And to get better I had to let all that go. Not easy. As he said to me one day, ďthey need to be dead to you, no feeling at all. So that no matter what happened to them youíll have just no emotion because youíll just not careĒ.

I took that as if I see on the news someone got shot in the street that I didnít know, Iíd have the same, or less emotions than if my mom or uncle was shot down immune street. Not happy, not sad, just not caring
I see. I guess its better to ignore than to fuel it

Happy to Chat about anything!! Hit me up! "
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