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Old October 2nd, 2017, 03:20 PM   #1
Kooy's Forum Picture
Join Date: April 3, 2017
Gender: Cisgender Male
Default i shouldn't have had my last surgery.. (Im not going to filter this so.. be warned)

This one was optional. I sorta said yes to it because my family erged me to but... I still should have just flat out refused. I didn't mind how i was. I sorta liked how i was before... I felt i should have this finished. Its the dumbest mistake I have ever made. Im going to regret this to the day i die unless something changes... Im not going to forgive myself for signing those damned consent papers. Honestly I haven't cried this hard since my grate grandmother died.

So thiere was this tag of skin that stuck off to the side of my penis. The surgons said that they would use it to close the graph when i had this past surgery. So i was expecting to go into this surgery and have tat part wraped and stiched around the bottom of my penis. But that never happen. Instead when we pull the gals of, the tag is still thier untouched. Not only that but their are the gland (the head in other words) has lumps on it and a creace down the side with the tag. The tag btw now looks more like a thumb or growth. It sorta looks like ive been mutated and im growing a nipple on my penis. Needless to say i feel disfigured.

And I know someone is going to say "wait till it heals you don't know how it's going to look yet" i have had 23-27 surgeries (depending on if you count surgery that isn't genital related for this context) i sorta know what doesn't look normal at this point. Also their arnt any places on the tag that stiched or glued.

So now having a disfigured penis (because when its done healing I know the tags going to be there it was thiere before from last surgery but nothing like this) i just.. Lost any hope of one big wish ive had for a long time. Just have at least a day. Where it's normal. And thier isn't an issue or problem with it. That went out the window. Id like to say the idea if this being my last surgery is out the window (wich is a possibility if you think of scar tishhue and all) but insurance isn't going to pay for anything cosmetic...

I actually checked to see if they are any cosmetic procedures out there for anything like this and I couldn't find anything... Just surgery that make it bigger or wider... Nothing about ascetics. Also even while swollen it's still noticeably smaller... (More on this in a second)

And cut me some slack please... I mean its some what traumatic to go from simi normal looking to normal one side, skin graph the other side, to just survived a nuke....

So i had once made a post about because considered of having an erectile disfunction.... Well.. If I didn't then... I do now.... And so now thats a thing... Just something else that's wrong with me... Also my body lastnight rejected the catheter. My bladder pushed till blood eas in the tube and on my bed. I actually urinated around the catheters balloon and thought my stiches. The pain was so bad I couldn't have wished for death more in that moment. The only thing to compare it to is when i had passed a stone. It was the same kind of pushing... And when i had did that i had the hole i urinate from above my scrotom so it wasn't as bad as it could have been I believe. I also believe I should have left my meatus (basically the hole) where it was. This surgery was such a mistake.

So now i have lost the ability to get completely errect, im endureing pain worce then hell. At risk of an U nessisary infection. My penis is disfigured. I have a fucking catheter. And it's impossible to have a bowl movement without feeling like im going to have a heart attack. Not to mention my blood pressure is dangerously low.

I don't know why but I don't think the hospital really gives 2 shits about me. I mean they did rush me out the front door with my blood pressure at 70/22. You know not a cause of concern at all or anything. The hotel staff cared alot id say. I mean the man who drove the shuttle for us did carry me all the way back to our room. So.. That sorta says something id say.

I know i cant just have the doctor snapped thiere fingers and have me go back to how i was a week ago... But at this point infeel its to far gone I don't see the point of closing it with all if these issues it caused. I can't express how much i hate myself for signing that paper.

Honestly now i just give up wanting a normal life... Closing it was not worth disfigurement, pain, infection, heart ishues, bowl ishues. And this guilt....

At this point I give up.. It cant be undone... I just feel like having a penectomy and being done with it.... I mean its usless now anyway.

But to be brutally honest and frank.. Id love nothing more to have stayed the way i was. To never have had this surgery. But thats not an option... And I doubt I'll ever get anything cosmetic... Again.. Insurance won't see it as important... I want to curl up in a deep dark hole somewhere and die.

Frankly I still couldn't wish for death more. Part of my body is ruined. Im never going to get enjoyment or pleasure with it since ive on the serfice its not sensitive at all. On the outside its numb. Has been for as long as I remember. But now.. Im never going to beable to give anyone pleasure or satisfaction... Its just a broken lump of flesh now. Yeah i can use the bathroom now but i was able without it closed

I can't forgive myself... Im such a dumbass. At times it doesn't feel real it feels like this its just a nightmare ill wake up from. But I don't... Instead i just have a recurring waking nightmare when I actually am asleep. Its difrent things. The catheter getting riped out, to me waking up and then a simi smashing though the window... Stuff like that.

Honestly what I wouldn't love more at this point is to just go to sleep tonight and just not wake back up.

It would save me anymore heartache and pain my dumbass will cause with decision making.

my body is basically mutalated so this is more permanent then not. The only improvement I could ever hope for is a transplant. If anything like that is even possible.

Fallow the raven to find the wolf
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Old October 2nd, 2017, 05:38 PM   #2
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Name: Chip
Join Date: February 17, 2013
Location: Ga.U.S.A.
Gender: Male
Default Re: i shouldn't have had my last surgery.. (Im not going to filter this so.. be warne

I am sorry for all your pain and suffering,wish I could do something to have you feel better about yourself and without the pain and stuff,i will pray for you to get better,who knows maybe just maybe everything will be ok...
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Old October 5th, 2017, 07:50 PM   #3
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Name: Jamie
Join Date: June 27, 2016
Location: Minnesota
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 2
Default Re: i shouldn't have had my last surgery.. (Im not going to filter this so.. be warne

So sorry Kooy. What was wrong with your whole body and penis that you needed so many surgeries? I can only imagine how terrible it is and how you feel. A guys penis is his prize possession. If you could please explain from the beginning what all has been wrong with you and all the surgeries. We can then understand more what all you are talking about. Thanks and I do feel so awful for you my friend. If you don't want to post details here then if you would please PM. Thanks Kooy.

I am gay and happy with that.
I love talking to people very open & willing to listen.
I am also glad to try help with questions or problems.
Hit me up for anything. I promise I don't bite.
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Old December 10th, 2017, 11:03 PM   #4
Join Date: November 26, 2017
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Re: i shouldn't have had my last surgery.. (Im not going to filter this so.. be warne

That sucks. Sorry bro...

PM me any time if you wanna chat!

When I try to be funny, im not funny. When I dont try to be funny, im still not funny -A not so funny person
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Old December 10th, 2017, 11:51 PM   #5
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: i shouldn't have had my last surgery.. (Im not going to filter this so.. be warne

Please don't post in threads with more than two months inactivity
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