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Old September 27th, 2017, 11:53 AM   #21
benster
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

I wouldn't change first name and till ur 18 ur not allowed in england anyway, surname I might if it was to same as mums. Circumsised never and piercing can't be anything to do with religion so only if I wanted to. And I wouldnt be allowed white trainers and that's not religion I dont think
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Old September 27th, 2017, 01:52 PM   #22
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

several piercings, permanently change your name, dress differently, and circumcision. Those are all pretty major; and that last one is VERY major. Listen, do what makes you happy. I get that family values are a thing, but with all due respect, FUCK that. You should only do what you are comfortable with.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." ó Fred Rogers
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Old September 27th, 2017, 07:41 PM   #23
lliam
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyUK View Post
I’m not necessarily 100% opposed to all of those things,

But you totally should if you aren't totally into it.
For me, all on that list is inappropriate stuff.

I would kick my stepdad's ass, if he came up with
such a list - even if my mom would 100% agree
with this list. I don't know your or even your step-
dads ethnic background, but it seems, his list is
based on it.





"Life is that prison you'll never leave alive."



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Old September 27th, 2017, 09:09 PM   #24
Just JT
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

Look, I get everything you're saying....I think....

But seriously ok....

Others here have said basically this...

These are huge changes....
If he wasnt Muslim I'd be hugly concerned....
It's your body....
He has no right....

My words, I said it earlier, to me, sounds predatory. Hope you know what that means

Even if you're ok with everything (which you're clearly not) still don't smell right.
I just don't get how a loving caring "step parent" would make such drastic recommendations.

Your dads passed, sorry, mine to. But your step dad knows that. And imo all this little bit of small changes adds up to a lotta shit. I call bull shit.

End result he getting his nose somewhere it don't belong. All up in your manhood. Think about it. It's all about change, and gaining support from your mom is only making it more valid to you.

I honestly (if this is all completly true) feel I'm having a hard time getting all this I'm sure others are to. But anyways..what I see is this, and I'll be blunt;

Your dad's dead
Mom remarrys
New dad wants you to change
Some small things at first, seemingly easy, no prob
They progressively become more personal and invasive
You become uncomfortable with some ideas
He gets moms support
You become more ok with some changes
But you still feel not ok with some....so choose the most drastic as seemingly the only one now to oppose?

Looking for support you seem to defend this thinking (thinking your also pretty clearly against but not willing to admit to it) you justify in some way as being ok cause of what ever reason.

Bro....sorry, if your ok with all this shit then cool. But I'm gonna tell you straight up from someone who understands some shit about older male sexual predators.

The sighs. Are there bro. And you're falling into his manipulations and so is your mom.

Back up, look in the mirror. What he wants you to be isn't you. He has other plans or motives bro, don't stand down for this shit

Just saying, not buying it....

Last edited by Just JT; September 27th, 2017 at 09:18 PM.
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Old September 28th, 2017, 12:54 PM   #25
MikeyUK
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

Thanks for this post. You have made a lot of valid points, and it seems that you've largely understood what I'm trying to say, so I'm grateful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermes View Post
These may have been presented as way to help you but I have trouble believing that is the only reason. Have you worked through each of the things and questioned what the benefit of each would be or whether any of them have a benefit when combined with others?
I have worked through each of the things and considered them carefully. I haven't made any firm decisions yet, but I have a clearer view on each of them than I did beforehand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermes View Post
You mentioned bullying before and, through I stand by what I said previously, I can see how "looking like a hard man" would be something that at least appears to have some practical value and some of the measures presented to you could be intended to convey that image. I am thinking of the shaven head, the earring, tongue piercing and the chain. Even so, you need to be thinking not just about scaring away those you don't like but being welcomed by those who provide you with an education or a job.
Those things have been suggested to help me look a bit tougher and fit in, largely because my new friends (who are good people) have those themselves. I'm only going to do what I'm happy with.

As I'm at school, I'm not going to scare anyone away, even if I did all the things. There are plenty guys with them. I won't be getting a job for years, so that's really not important right now.

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Originally Posted by Hermes View Post
For the others it is harder to see any benefit. Being circumcised doesn't make you look like a hard man to most of the people you meet. In fact most of the people you meet don't get to see your penis so why would it matter to them if it was cirumcised or not? It is not even as if it was fitting in with the majority because the majority of guys in the UK are uncut. The main non-medical reason to circumcise in the UK is to show membership of a particular religion. You say your step father isn't very devout, and he is not trying to make you muslim, but at the same time he is asking you to adopt a muslim tradition.
The suggestion of circumcision wasn't to appear tough. That's purely because it's a family/cultural tradition in my stepdad's family. He's not trying to make me Muslim. I think in the USA, a lot of boys get circumcised because their dad is, and that's often the only reason. He's thinking along those lines, and it's only because he's trying to take me under his wing, not because he wants to control me. The thing is, if my mum and stepdad have a baby (and that is very likely) and it's a boy, my baby brother would be circumcised, it's just a family thing. However, I don't want to be circumcised, and no-one is going to force me, so it's not worth saying much more about it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermes View Post
The same goes for the name changes. To be fair, I can see a change of surname makes the point to anyone outside that you are a family but the change of middle name cannot possibly be for that reason because most people don't use their middle names very much so it will be mostly a private thing within your family. Referring back to my previous post this is about your step dad asserting that you are his. Of course parents hope to bring up children so they continue not only their genes but also some of their culture and outlook on life because they believe these are something worthwhile but I personally think 15 is very late to be doing that. I think at 15 you should be deciding for youself which bits of culture to take on board and which bits not to.
I'm largely OK with changing my surname. I know what you're saying it's about my stepdad asserting that I'm his, and to an extent you are right about that, but he doesn't mean it in a negative way. It's just because he's proud of me, and wants to take me under his wing. I was happy he was becoming my dad, and likewise he was/is happy that I was/am becoming his son. I call my stepdad 'dad', and that was my choice. No-one made me, no-one even suggested I do so. But I do agree with you about adding an additional middle name instead of changing an existing one. I think that's a sensible idea, and I'm more open to that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermes View Post
If, though, despite what we have all said you feel compromise is the only way then look to your own future and avoid things that, should you regret them, would be hard or impossible to undo. So on that basis I would absolutely not get circumcised as this is irreversible. I would want to avoid getting my tongue pierced without doing a lot of research as I don't know how well it heals if you conclude it was a mistake. Earings are mostly uncontencious and obviously things like hairstyle (the shaven head) and atire (the chain and trainers) are easy enough to change. Names can also be changed as often as you care to go through the process. On the question of names you could suggest taking his first name as an additional middle name rather than a replacement. You can have as many names as you like - the royals usually have a long string of them.
A compromise is going to be needed because I can't say no to everything my mum and dad say. But I do agree with you here, because I think the less important things are more viable things to do. I wouldn't really have any issue with having pierced ears, wearing a chain, or wearing trainers to school, although I would still have to think about it properly first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
L
Bro....sorry, if your ok with all this shit then cool. But I'm gonna tell you straight up from someone who understands some shit about older male sexual predators.
JT, my stepdad is not a sexual predator. That really is bang out of order. That's a very hurtful thing to say.
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Old September 29th, 2017, 08:10 PM   #26
Just JT
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyUK View Post
JT, my stepdad is not a sexual predator. That really is bang out of order. That's a very hurtful thing to say.
It's not about sex. It's about control bro....
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Old September 29th, 2017, 08:45 PM   #27
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

As I said before...you seem to be fine so go ahead anyway.
Still strikes me as odd that you would need ya Dad to tell ya how to dress. I mean if you are part of a group you naturally assimilate to the looks of that group anyway...that's a natural thing to do and basically works in very group of friends I have ever seen.
So has this change be so forced? It would maybe have happened gradually sooner or later anyway if you'd really click with those new friends of yours.

So I'm really sorry but no remotely decent father I know would want his kids to transform into a thug, what you would be seen as where I live with the look you describe.
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Old October 2nd, 2017, 12:09 PM   #28
MikeyUK
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

I've spoken with my mum and my stepdad about the things they asked me to consider, and this is what I've decided, and my parents are pretty much OK with it.

Change my middle name from Thomas to his first name (Hasan)

Iíve decided to keep my middle name and Iím not ever going to change it. I wonít take my stepdadís name as another middle name, although Iím open about another name being suggested, because that might be cool.

Change my surname to his, which is also now my mumís surname

Iím fine with this, so Iíve agreed to it.

Get my ears pierced

I thought this was a cool idea, and my mates have theirs done, so Iíve decided to get my ears pierced with some diamond studs.

Get my tongue or cartilage pierced

Iím not going to pierce my tongue, but I am quite interested in a cartilage piercing, but I will leave it at that at this stage.

Get my head shaved (either #0 or razored)

Iím not getting my head shaved, but I have selected a new haircut that I really like. I chose it without anyone elseís influence, and itís totally me and fun, so Iím happy with that.

Wear a chain

Iíve agreed to do this as itís no big deal. A chain can look really nice too.

Wear white trainers to school (which is not allowed)

As Iím on the football team, wearing trainers probably wonít be a problem, so Iíve agreed to try it out and see how it goes, but I havenít decided on a pair yet, so Iím not sure on the colour or style.

Get circumcised

Iím not getting circumcised as I donít see any reason to do it. If I end up having baby brothers in future then I might reconsider.
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Old October 5th, 2017, 01:18 AM   #29
NewLeafsFan
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

I've gone up and down this list several times and I can't find anything that is for the best. Why are you so sure that this is for the best? I know this is coming from a parent and step parent but you need to do some thinking for yourself now. I'm wondering if he wants you to change your religion or join a cult based on these requests.


Canada / Sport Management (Hockey) Major / Straight / Left-Wing Progressive / 18 yrs old

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Old October 9th, 2017, 01:57 PM   #30
SeansLittleBro
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Default Re: My stepdad wants me to make some big changes

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyUK View Post
The suggestion of circumcision wasn't to appear tough. That's purely because it's a family/cultural tradition in my stepdad's family. He's not trying to make me Muslim. I think in the USA, a lot of boys get circumcised because their dad is, and that's often the only reason.
As one of those circumcised boys in the US we were cut when we were babies. If I had been given the choice there is no way I would go through with a circumcision at 15 after lived my entire life natural. This,, and many of the things that you have presented are only to control you. Your mom is wrong to accept many of those without taking your concerns about them.

Dude you want advise and you have gotten some excellent advise. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. If you want to do them then do them, but don't let someone, especially at 15, tell you what to do with YOUR body. Tattoos are permanent, cutting your hair is not but it appears that it is a religious thing in this case. I'm not anti-muslim at all and whether or not this is the case, you must control what happens to you.

I am a twin, 17 -- gay and proud. Would love to talk to all you guys in here. Very open to discuss things and like to talk to new friends.
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