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Old February 9th, 2017, 12:58 AM   #1
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Join Date: August 28, 2010
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Default Adulthood is a mess. No better than before.

Almost 1am, drank almost a quarter bottle of leftover Sourpuss from New Year'sEve,
Three times my daily dose of meds and there are still voices stuck in my head. All the people that don't want me: my parents, my exes, my friends, just all of them. I missed a midterm today and I'm missing
More tomorrow. I tied explaining all of this to my college program
Coordinator but I'm pretty sure they think I'm lying and until the paperwork goes through, I'm just going to fail. There's no second chances in this program.

I don't even have a doctor. I've had eight. They've all decided they didn't want me as a patient anymore or couldn't see me again. I'm on a two year waiting list. The hospital never keeps me because I never hurt myself badly enough. Even tonight, my pulse is still 70bpm and I'm not throwing up or anything, I'm just drowsy because everything I've taken is a sedative.

My life is falling apart and no one is around to help me. I don't have parents, I don't have friends, and I have a social worker who as of Monday is "discharging" me to live in this world alone because I no longer really need community support.

I want to die. Almost 22 years of this and I have no hope. Nothing anyone will say can help or change my mind because none of you know me. None of you realize that I have done everything to change, to be fixed, to be someone else. I just needed to vent and I'm pretty sure half of it is illegible anyway

Might just ask the mods to delete this later idk. My nights a mess, hope everyone else is having a better one.
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Old February 9th, 2017, 09:55 AM   #2
Fiction
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Name: Kathy
Join Date: January 17, 2010
Location: London, England
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 5
Default Re: Adulthood is a mess. No better than before.

Jo, I know you. I've known you a long long time. I know how hard you've tried to change and how much you've been through, and I also understand how horrible it is.

All I can ask is for you to hold on. There are people who want you, like me. You can always talk to me, I hope you realise that. Maybe we can help each other through this like we used to all those years ago?

Lots of love being sent your way xx

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old February 9th, 2017, 01:30 PM   #3
Just JT
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Default Re: Adulthood is a mess. No better than before.

Hey I'm sorry I missed this earlier. Not that I can do/say anything but I'll try.
Feels weird cause I'm only 16 but here goes....

Your in a slump is all. And you just need to kinda ride it out. Taking yourself out is the easy way out. Life isn't easy. Some easier than others, but never easy. Doctors not keeping you? Then time for a new doc. Self medicating don't help. You I'm sure know that. It only makes it worse. Proven by yiur actions and how you feel. And only you can change that bro

So wake the fuck up and put your boots on and go talk to those people and let them know what's happening with you. They either give you more time or not. Either way it goes it is either a second chance or start over.

Talk to your family. They love you. I'm sure they do. They may not wana hear about this, but they wana know what's happening cause they'll want to help

So man up bro and take care of business. And before it gets a half bottle cause of bad feeling again talk to someone. Even someone here. Email me. I'll almost always asleep. Wouldn't be the first I talk through an all nighter.

Voted most likely to wind up in jail
2017 VT Awards
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Old February 19th, 2017, 12:46 PM   #4
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Default Re: Adulthood is a mess. No better than before.

I'm basically still in the same spot. And I want to die. I told a friend some pretty explicit things last night, exactly how I wanted to do it and various ways I could try. I live alone and have no friends actually in this country so literally no one would find the body or even notice. I don't have family, end of story.

I'm tired. I'm tired of existing and failing and being miserable. I want to end my life and no number of friends or doctors or hospitals can fucking help me. No one is going to stop me from just hanging up my coat one day after class and giving it all up. I'm still here only because I was so tired when I told my friend all of this that I couldn't get up and eventually cried myself so hard to sleep I don't even remember any of it. But here I am and I'm awake and I still feel that awful. I still feel like my life is utterly worthless and no matter how I go, it'll be so much better than existing like this.

I am tired and I am done being in mental and physical pain because the universe and genetics decided to fucking screw me over when it threw me into the world without giving two shits whether or not I'd still want to live in it.

I'm almost 22, this should be over. I get all my ducks in the row and the world still comes crashing down. I'm done. I'm done trying to get this all right because I can't.
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Old February 22nd, 2017, 06:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: Adulthood is a mess. No better than before.

@Magenta,

Just remember--and I know that you already know this, but it's worth emphasizing--that these feelings are chemical imbalances in your brain. It's a sort of dilusion that you can't control. I'm surprised these psychiatrists and social workers you speak of just threw you out like that. It's horrifying, really. You are sick, my friend. It is only an illness and it is not actually you that is bad. Your mind is making you think you're bad.

You said you've been to eight doctors, so on that front I can hardly tell you to go see more. Those must be some crap doctors if they refused to treat you.

Also, if you feel like your life is worthless, it might help to dedicate yourself to a hobby like coding or art. The fact that you have access to a computer opens up tons of opportunities to give yourself purpose. Helping people on VT is a great place to start and it has helped me through some tough times where I felt worthless as well. Ironically enough, your experience with feeling worthless gives you worth to some people because you can help them understand their own problems.

Do you have any hobbies currently? Its no big deal if you don't because there are plenty to explore.
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