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Old February 8th, 2017, 06:04 PM   #1
New Member
Name: Cesar
Join Date: August 9, 2014
Gender: Male
Default Feeling kind of empty, please give feedback

So... I haven't posted much at all but I'm feeling kind of empty inside lately. I'll start back in October.

It was Halloween, 21 days after I turned 16, and my older brother and oldest brother's ex was with me out trick or treating. 2 Black guys see us, walk with us, then jump us. They took all our valuables at gunpoint and left me without 2 teeth and a concussion. I stayed out of school for 2 weeks, and went to the hospital for a day. They shoved one tooth back in it's spot and I'm only missing my front tooth now, but I got a flipper tooth so I look normal I guess. When I got back to school i felt really self conscious about my tooth, especially because girls I'd talk to would tend to react negatively with horror/disgust. They'd try to hide it but it was obvious. My grades suffered and I felt pretty bad throughout it, but I bottled my emotions up. I bottled them so well I hadn't once shed a tear.

Then in December, I met this girl, named Carla. She had gone through a lot as well, with an abusive father and she grew up kind of poor. I wouldn't say im poor, but low middle class, since I could get a root canal, but anyways, I got along with her and even gave her my scarf, which she really loved and wore it for 2 weeks straight. I got a huge crush on her and she hugged me daily, and she laughed when I took out my flipper tooth with my tongue, instead of being disgusted. She was cute and I was starting to feel happy again. She volunteered at the school with me, and even invited me to go watch SAW at her house, and she fell asleep on me, hugging me for the entire length of the movie, and just making me feel great, like I wasn't less of a person for having less teeth or for missing so much school.

January comes and I feel it in my gut somethings wrong. I thought it was silly because there was no proof anything happened. Around the second week or so, when I'm on my way during passing period to see her and hug/talk, I saw her kiss a guy. They'd been together since the 18th of December, at the start of winter break. I felt like somethin was ripped out, but I just... Went to my class and told my friends. They gave me looks of pity and tried to make me feel better.

It's been 3 weeks since then, and I've asked her to not hug me as much because it doesn't feel appropriate. I really just wanted her to keep hugging me as tightly as she had before, but it just felt wrong. Now when she hugs me I just feel empty and my self esteem took a hit, since I can't think of many girls that would want to kiss some dude with a tooth missing. I don't consider myself exceptionally attractive, but I do go to the gym. I actually haven't in like 2 weeks though... I don't feel motivated like I used to. Seeing Carla fills me with a sense of emptiness. It doesn't help she I gave her one of my jackets and she returned it smelling like her. I don't know if I should be angry at her or not for doing what she did even when she had a boyfriend. Apparently the boyfriend is ok with her hugging me and all, but it just makes me feel like such a loser.

I'm not going to the gym, school is harder, mostly only algebra 2 though, and I feel kind of empty from all of this. I guess it was pretty stupid to think I could get a relationship out of this, but it'd been so long since my last that I was really hoping for one. Now I just... feel inadequate and my self esteem isn't great either. I just want to stop feeling so lonely and dejected I guess. Even making this post feels like I should just man up and take it instead. I feel more lost than anything else, and frustrated at my grades because I want to be a doctor and D's in algebra are unacceptable.
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Old February 12th, 2017, 02:24 PM   #2
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Name: mendy
Join Date: January 16, 2017
Location: Chicago
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: Feeling kind of empty, please give feedback

That's really intense. Im really sorry. Firstly that's some really hard stuff you're going through and beating up on yourself is not fair. Secondly if you were traumatized from when you were mugged that's also ok. The way you look doesn't define you, to yourself, or others. The people who can't see that aren't worth the effort. You are great even if this girl doesn't realize it.

Introspective thoughtful and fragile. Love you.
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Old February 12th, 2017, 09:30 PM   #3
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Name: Dan
Join Date: May 28, 2014
Location: United States
Gender: Cisgender Male
Blog Entries: 9
Default Re: Feeling kind of empty, please give feedback


Us guys get attached to girls somewhat easily, but sometimes there's just that one damn girl that you get really attached to; she's just perfect at dealing with you, making you feel better. Inevitably, though, she gets a boyfriend. I know the feeling. The worst part is that you know she has the right to choose which boy she dates. If she doesn't choose you, then that is simply the end of the line it seems. This is because you know deep down that even if she were to break up with her boyfriend and start dating you, you were a secondary choice. She dated him first knowing you were watching the whole time.

The question arises then: Are you okay with that? With being a secondary choice? If not, then you must find a way to move on.

Let me share my personal experience. I had a girl like that. I liked her, but we were as close as brother and sister almost. I could tell her anything, but she never seemed to open up to me. She was never interested in a relationship with me and made that clear when I first asked--not in a rude way or anything. Anyways, she got a boyfriend and I simply couldn't stop liking her while still talking to her. So, I cut contact with her for 2-3 months. After that, we started talking again, but it was less common and it has worked out so far. We aren't too close, but we aren't too far apart. Getting too close to a girl you know you can't have or that has a boyfriend will cause you pain most likely, and it would be wrong to try to "steal" her because she has the right to choose who she dates.
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