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Old January 14th, 2017, 02:35 PM   #1
Periphery
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Default I just want to die

Well here we are again.

I'm home alone, I'm insanely anxious and I just want to die, that's all I can think about. I'm turning 18 soon and it's giving me panic attacks just thinking about it. I have nobody to help me outside of VT, nobody in school gives a single shit if I feel bad. I've been insanely suicidal for the past month now and it's only getting worse. I just feel like I'm a bother to everyone and nobody out there would miss me if I were to dissapear. I fuck up everytime, I push everyone away from me and I feel so lonely. I'm so scared of everything, I just feel really claustrophobic and just stuck. All I want is a fresh start, to just start over again far away from here, but that will never happen. It's painful for me to wake up everyday because it's the last thing I want to. I just want to be gone, I want to dissapear because why would anyone care anyway? I just feel so lost, I can't do this anymore, I simply can't. I have no future, I have no friends in school because all they do is shit talk me and leave me alone whenever they can because who the fuck would want to be seen with me anyway? Nobody, people are ashamed of me, I'm an asshole. I act like a major dick in school while in reality I'm an overly sensitive piece of shit. I've been bullied physically for 4 years and mentally ever since I started going to school and it's still fucking happening.

Ugh I just had to vent I guess, I've been bottling up everything I'm feeling and it's just getting to me and breaking me. I just want to know what it's like to have people you can see care, people that can just give you a hug when you need one. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I've honestly lost all motivation to live and it's not coming back by the looks of it.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~

Last edited by Periphery; January 14th, 2017 at 02:43 PM.
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Old January 14th, 2017, 03:23 PM   #2
Anniebanannie
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Default Re: I just want to die

It sounds like you're stuck in a bad place.

How about trying this exercise: Look at what you wrote and try to narrow down the issues without talking about causes or consequences.

Then see what you can do about dealing with them just a little bit.

See what answers you come up with.
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Old January 14th, 2017, 03:29 PM   #3
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

Where is your family bro?
I think you need to go and talk to one of your parents bro, this is a thing.
You shouldn't be left alone like this ya no?
Just talk to them and let them know how your feeling. I'm pretty sure you'll see they do care for you and help you through this
But let us know how your doing to ok?
Because we do care for you here ok?
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Old January 14th, 2017, 03:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: I just want to die

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
Where is your family bro?
I think you need to go and talk to one of your parents bro, this is a thing.
You shouldn't be left alone like this ya no?
Just talk to them and let them know how your feeling. I'm pretty sure you'll see they do care for you and help you through this
But let us know how your doing to ok?
Because we do care for you here ok?
My parents are fucking assholes. They are making everything even worse than it already is. I feel even worse now that they're home. I physically can't talk to them about how I feel. I simply can't.

@Anniebanannie

I really don't know what to do. I've been feeling like this for years now and honestly all that happens is that I feel happy for a while and then it all crashes again because I'm not good enough and other people use me to their own advantage.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~
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Old January 14th, 2017, 04:18 PM   #5
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

Well what do they do that makes it worse?
Not trying to pry just trying to get a better understanding
Sounds like a pretty big deal for you right now
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Old January 14th, 2017, 04:20 PM   #6
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Default Re: I just want to die

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Well what do they do that makes it worse?
Not trying to pry just trying to get a better understanding
Sounds like a pretty big deal for you right now
Blaming me for everything they do wrong. Being massive hypocrits, always looking over my shoulder, always wanting to know who I'm talking to, getting mad when I'm on my phone. I have no fucking privacy at all

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~
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Old January 14th, 2017, 04:22 PM   #7
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

Do you talk to a counselor or therapist or anything?
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Old January 14th, 2017, 06:17 PM   #8
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Default Re: I just want to die

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My parents are fucking assholes. They are making everything even worse than it already is. I feel even worse now that they're home. I physically can't talk to them about how I feel. I simply can't.

@Anniebanannie

I really don't know what to do. I've been feeling like this for years now and honestly all that happens is that I feel happy for a while and then it all crashes again because I'm not good enough and other people use me to their own advantage.
It does sound bad. When you're 18, will you be able to live on your own? Would it make you feel better to put some distance between you and your parents?

What about counseling? This is a whole lot to deal with on your own.
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Old January 14th, 2017, 06:36 PM   #9
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Default Re: I just want to die

Please don't say that Bram. (I know this is quite hypocritical coming from me) Sometimes it feels like all hope is gone, I know that feeling all too well myself unfortunately, but you should never give up. Life can always get better, and you know I'm here for you. You are not a "piece of shit" nor an asshole, I honestly can't say one bad thing about you. You are not obliged to please ANYONE but yourself, those who don't like it are missing out because I think you are such a kind person, and they're not worthy of your friendship. Remember, people come and go, and I know it hurts, but the ones who are worthy of staying in your life, will remain. The rest don't matter. I'm sorry you feel so down, a person like you deserves all the joy and happiness the world could offer. Anyways, you have my Skype and Snapchat, so don't be afraid to text me (we always are though ).
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Old January 14th, 2017, 07:10 PM   #10
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

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Please don't say that Bram. (I know this is quite hypocritical coming from me) Sometimes it feels like all hope is gone, I know that feeling all too well myself unfortunately, but you should never give up. Life can always get better, and you know I'm here for you. You are not a "piece of shit" nor an asshole, I honestly can't say one bad thing about you. You are not obliged to please ANYONE but yourself, those who don't like it are missing out because I think you are such a kind person, and they're not worthy of your friendship. Remember, people come and go, and I know it hurts, but the ones who are worthy of staying in your life, will remain. The rest don't matter. I'm sorry you feel so down, a person like you deserves all the joy and happiness the world could offer. Anyways, you have my Skype and Snapchat, so don't be afraid to text me (we always are though ).
I'll be honest, I don't know either one of you guys really great. Yeah we all talked and stuff. And since you brought this to here I should make it a priority on my part to get to know you guys better than I do, like you guys know each other.

It's one thing to post encouraging words like I have. But it's something different when a known close friend who's experiencing the same kinda stuff reaches out to you

End of day Bram you got friends here....we should talk more and help each other more bro

But we need you to reply to
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Old January 14th, 2017, 11:21 PM   #11
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Default Re: I just want to die

As @Just JT said above you have your friends here. If you feel you can't talk to your parents talk to those people here. Things will get better...even though you will always have times in your life where you feel like you do now.
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Old January 15th, 2017, 02:20 AM   #12
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Default Re: I just want to die

Thank you, all of you, I really appreciate it. It's just that I feel so anxious all the time. I haven't had breakfast once this past month because I feel so lonely and horrible in the mornings that I simply can't get myself to eat. I've lost quite a bit of weight because of the anxiety and my mom noticed.

@Just JT I actually have a therapist but I can't see her anymore. I have to call for an appointment and that'll have my mom get extra worried, ask me about everything and don't allow me to be on my phone at all, which may happen eventually by the looks of it.

@Anniebanannie I'm moving out in september for college actually, but that's still far away and I'm really not sure if I'll make it to next school year anymore.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~
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Old January 15th, 2017, 06:59 AM   #13
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

You can call your therapist without mom. You have privacy rights. And if you ask your mom won't/can't be told. She might find out later or something though.

Eat anything in tha morning. Even if just an apple or something.
Even something small will get you moving feeling better and make you feel hungry or like eating more

Just try that and see how that goes ok?
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Old January 15th, 2017, 01:42 PM   #14
Periphery
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just JT View Post
You can call your therapist without mom. You have privacy rights. And if you ask your mom won't/can't be told. She might find out later or something though.

Eat anything in tha morning. Even if just an apple or something.
Even something small will get you moving feeling better and make you feel hungry or like eating more

Just try that and see how that goes ok?
It's not that easy. My therapist is my neighbour and when I go my mom will know because she'll see me leave and I can't just leave the house. I'm literally too anxious to eat honestly, I simply can't

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~
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Old January 15th, 2017, 10:11 PM   #15
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

I'm sorry bro, I'm sorry I can't help.with that
But please know I/we are here for you to talk ok?
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Old January 15th, 2017, 11:24 PM   #16
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Default Re: I just want to die

Do you take anxiety medicine because I do , if not ask your parents to bring you to the doctor and see if you need them
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Old January 16th, 2017, 01:21 AM   #17
Periphery
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Default Re: I just want to die

I'm so done honestly. I wake up from horrible nightmares each morning feeling all alone and isolated. I have to go to school by bike and people are saying I've been really reckless in traffic and they joke around that I'm blind but in reality I'm doing it on purpose hoping a car may hit me. I don't want to go to school but I have to and I hate it. I'm scared it's coming to the point where I'm just going to throw myself infront of one.
@LRSSS02
I can't see a doctor because of my parents, I'm stuck here. I can't get meds without them going apeshit.
@Just JT
I appreciate you replying, I really do, thank you.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~

Last edited by Periphery; January 16th, 2017 at 01:35 AM.
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Old January 16th, 2017, 11:23 AM   #18
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Default Re: I just want to die

I'm sorry about your situation
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Old January 16th, 2017, 05:24 PM   #19
Just JT
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Default Re: I just want to die

Ok bro look, I'm not trying to pry ok? You have your right to privacy here but I'm just guna say this

I'm pretty sure we live in the same country right?
You have rights to your own privacy with a doctor
Nobody needs to know but you
You can just call a doc and talk, they'll figure it out for you
Yiur neighbor is yiur shrink?
Bro that's just to close for comfort.
Anyways, go and talk. If mom n dad sees you so fuckin what
You need someone to talk to and that's all they need to know
Do this for you
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Old January 17th, 2017, 01:06 AM   #20
Periphery
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Default Re: I just want to die

@Just JT I live at the other side of the ocean actually. I simply can't do it because of my parents. They'll take away all of my privacy. I can't use my phone without having them ask who I'm talking so. If they catch me on VT I'll lose that and everyone I care about. I can't lose that, I don't want to lose my only privacy I still have. I just feel so empty, what's the point anymore? Every day is a struggle not to kill myself honestly, it really is.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

~Richelle was here~
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